


that thing you took from me; i need it back

by prettysky



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Crippled Character, Drama™, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, a bit of fluff cus i had to, alex and kara aren't sisters not even adopted, alex is a doctor and maggie is her ex, based on the series House M.D., you don't have to watch House to understand what's going on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-10-05 12:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 54,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17324954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysky/pseuds/prettysky
Summary: Alex and Maggie broke up five years ago. They haven't seen each other since then.But one day, Maggie returns, and they both know nothing will be the same as it was.\\The Doctor AU I couldn't shut up about





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> important! please read:  
> This story is mostly based on the series House M.D. Season 1 Episodes 21-22 and Season 2 Episode 10. If you've seen the show, don't worry, because I've changed a lot of things (mainly at the end) and not everything is identical to what's in the show.
> 
> I put Alex in House's place, and I think I should make a point about it - Gregory House is not Alex Danvers, in any sense of the word. House is narcissistic, manipulative, idiot and intriguing, with a brilliant mind. Alex is just the opposite, except for the brilliant mind. She's in a lot of pain, like him, and she's crippled, like him, but all the other things he does and thinks and acts are not even close to how she is.
> 
> Not only did I take most of the idea and the plot but also some of the dialogue lines. The first chapter is almost entirely composed of lines of dialogue from the original script, as well as additional lines throughout the fic, especially those related to the plot or to the spoken medicine procedures. It's important for you to know that there are lines here that I didn't write, but I could easily write as part of the plot. The idea is not mine, some of the lines are not mine, but this story is, so just keep that in mind.
> 
> Another important thing to know here is medicine. Alex is a doctor, and so is most of the characters, and most of the time (mainly in the beginning chapters) they deal with medicine and speak in medical language. If you don't understand something, it's alright, the medical part is less important to the story, and I put it in mainly to give credibility to the story as one that happens in a hospital with doctors. I can say that most of the medical talking I didn't fully understand myself, so there's no need to follow the medical cases.
> 
> Again, it's very important for me to emphasize that while the medical cases and the idea of the plot are drawn from House, everything else is very different. As I said about Alex, none of the characters has anything to do with its "parallel character" in the show, and this is a completely different story, with a completely different background and chemistry between the characters. The stories are much alike, but still very different.
> 
> This story is fully written. I'm very busy lately but I had this thing in my WIPs for literal months and I had to let it out already. I'll do my best to update when I can.
> 
> That's about it. If you have any questions about this story, the original story, the characters or anything else I will be more than happy to answer and discuss, here, on twitter or tumblr. 
> 
> So please, enjoy, and let me know what you think~!

"No."

J’onn raised his eyes at her for a moment, but not his head, and an almost desperate look spread on his face. Alex crossed her arms over her chest.

"I won’t do that."

"Come on, Alex, I need you."

"I just don’t understand why every time Riley is sick I'm the one who needs to replace him."

"You're doing a favor to a friend-"

"He's not my friend," She snorted contemptuously.

"-A staff mate, then, and it's a nice act for me too, because I have very, very demanding paperwork in front of me, and if you won’t do it I'll have to do it myself."

"It’s your problem."

He didn’t look at her now but gave a low sigh, and she almost wished she hadn’t said it. It’s not that she doesn't love to teach. She does. But she doesn’t feel like doing it today. And as much as she respected J’onn, she’s just not in the mood.

"I need you to do this, it's a class on diagnostics. You’re the best for the job."

Alex sighed. "And I'm not going to do it. Is there anything else you need from me?"

J’onn raised his head again, taking off his glasses. He looked at her for a few more seconds.

"I'll buy you a drink."

"No."

"Two drinks."

"No."

He put his glasses back on and lowered his head. "I would suggest a third drink, but I'm not sure how recommended it is, given your situation."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Anything else, Dr. J’onzz?"

J’onn continued to write in the document before him. "I guess if there's no way to convince you, you're free to leave."

Alex picked up her cane and let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, really."

"Dr. Danvers." J’onn's voice stopped her at the door. She didn’t turn.

"If you change your mind-"

"I won’t."

"-But if you will, the lesson begins in an hour."

She pushed the door, limping on her cane on her way out.

***

She felt old. Of course, she wasn’t old, at least not too old. Only forty years old, for God's sake, it’s not that old, Isn’t It? Still, as she limped toward the elevators back to her office, she felt old. A sharp pain gripped her leg and she clenched her teeth quietly. She felt her bones crumble, her lungs shrinking faintly, kneeling under the burden of age, her head spinning.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, rummaging in her coat pocket for the box of pills. Three pills went down her throat smoothly, and she took a deep breath again, pressing the elevator button.

Maybe you are getting old, Danvers. Get used to it.

It's true, she feels more than she really is. She knows that her reddish brown hair begins to bleach at the edges, and that the wrinkles on her face are visible, and that this is a normal look for a woman her age, especially one who doesn’t take care of herself too much. But she still feels at least eighty-five, if not more.

When is the retirement age allowed, anyway?

God, I'm so tired.

Where's that goddamn elevator?

"Dr. Danvers, there's a patient here for you."

"I have other patients, tell them-"

"Hey, Alex."

Alex froze. She hadn’t heard this voice in over five years. She was almost sure she was wrong, that maybe she was just making it up, all the tiredness that had landed on her today, that’s unprofessional, she starts to hallucinate things. She turned slowly, looking straight at the woman standing in front of her.

"Maggie."

Definitely not hallucinating things.

Maggie smiled nervously. "It’s been a while."

Alex nodded, swallowing. "Definitely."

Maggie fiddled with the folder she held in her hand, looking sideways, still smiling nervously. She came closer to Alex, the elevator finally flung open behind her.

"What, uh, what are you doing here?"

"How are you?" Maggie looked at her, her eyes soft, biting her lips gently.

Alex exhaled, examine Maggie quickly. She looked good. Dignified, formal, wearing a flattering work suit. As if she was in the middle of a day job, in the office, and they're talking in the hallway. Her hair was loose, and a small side-bag hung on a leash on her shoulder. The slightest tremor went through Alex while she wondered why she was here, and why she was so nice to her, and why today, of all days, Alex was wearing the flannel that hadn’t been washed. She didn’t try to smell it, but she knew she didn’t look good. She knew she looked awful, actually. At least compared to Maggie, who stood as glittering and wonderful as ever before her, looking at her compassionately.

Alex coughed in embarrassment, realizing that she hadn’t answered the question yet. "I, uh... Yes, I'm fine. You?”

"I'm alright."

They stood in silence for a few seconds, Maggie looking sideways again, as if waiting for someone to come and explaining how to behave in such a situation, and Alex still looking at her, leaning on her cane, one hand in her pocket, while the elevator slowly closed behind her.

"Alex, I need your help."

There it is.

Well, you didn't think your ex was back in town for a wild ride in your bed, did you?

Alex tried to put on a lovely smile. "Of course, what is it?" She studied Maggie again, this time with a doctor eye, trying to find something wrong.

"It's not me," Maggie said quickly as she saw Alex's gaze. Alex blushed and coughed in embarrassment, hoping Maggie hadn’t noticed the way she had studied her before. She nodded and walked forward, taking the folder Maggie handed her, which she now understood to be a medical file.

They stood at the nearest counter, Alex opens the file and begins to take out the items inside and examine them, some x-rays and CTs, and written documentation.

"Who am I looking at?"

"My wife."

Alex's grip at her cane has tightened. Of course. She tried to push it aside as she continued to look at the medical records of the mysterious lucky woman, failing to concentrate.

"Who suffering from abdominal pain and fainting spells." She looked at the scans, consciously aware of the fact that Maggie was looking at as she squints to examine the scans, to find out what the problem was.

"There is no sign of tumors or vasculitis." She put the papers back in the folder. To be honest, she could have done a bit more effort, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to. She glanced at Maggie for a second, who looked at her with expecting, hopeful eyes.

"I'm sorry, Maggie, I don’t know what it is." She took her cane, shaking her head. Maggie looked confused. Alex gave her an apologetic look and began to limp away. "I can’t help you. I'm sorry."

"Alex, wait!" Maggie hurried to collect the papers and run after her. She caught up with her and stood before her, a desperate look on her face.

"Did you think I wasn't going to get married?"

"Not to someone so poorly endowed, this woman's pancreas is pathetic." She pressed the elevator button.

Maggie stared at her, and she shrugged.

"I need your help. Three hospitals, five doctors, none of them found anything."

"Maybe there's nothing to find." What happened to the elevators today?

"So maybe if you take another look..."

"I looked, there's nothing there." Alex started walking toward the elevators on the other side of the floor, but Maggie's hand grabbed her by the arm and turned her around. Alex looked at her arm and then up at Maggie. She stood closer than she had been before, and Alex could see the makeup on her eyes, her brow twitching anxiously, in desperation, the freckles that were almost invisible but standing closely she could see them. She held herself from reaching for Maggie's cheek, and only swallowed, silent.

"Alex, please, she..." Maggie lowered her voice. "She's acting strange, she's disconnected, she's angry. I know something's wrong."

"Sounds like a neurological problem. Or she's having an affair."

Something went through Maggie's eyes. "It's not an affair. She's sick."

Alex looked aside. The elevator finally opened, and a nurse with a man in a wheelchair walked out slowly. She looked back at Maggie. "I need this favor. If you are not too busy... you’re one of the best, and I need your help."

Her voice was quiet. Alex wondered if she knew she had such an influence on her, even after all these years.

"I'm not too busy."

A faint, relieved smile appeared on Maggie's face. Alex took a deep breath, taking out the next words with great effort.

"But... I'm not sure, Maggie. I don’t think I'm ready for that." She didn’t look at her. "I'm sorry."

She left Maggie in the hallway, the honesty still bitter on her tongue. She went into the elevator at last, with her back to the door that closed behind her.

***

Alex picked up her cane a few inches up, its tip touched her nose and dropped it back on the floor. She sat on a chair in front of a small hall full of interns, her back bent forward, her mind full of thoughts. She finally agreed, to J’onn's relief, to teach the interns class today, to try to distract herself from the incident with Maggie, and yet she couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Maggie was her first love. Well, not the very first, there were others before are. But she was the one who made her feel actually happy, feel safe, feel like she worth something, perhaps for the first time in her life. It was like a ball of light entering her life, leaving the years of darkness behind. They were together for five years, five wonderful years, until... well, until the incident.

Alex didn’t mean she would leave. She didn’t want it. Sure, when she looked at the facts, it was Alex who initiated the separation. She had come to the conclusion that she couldn’t be with Maggie anymore. But before the breakup, she often would imagine the life they would have together, just the two of them, living in some suburban house, two children and a dog, happily ever after. She wanted to marry her. She wanted to live beside her forever. She didn’t think they'd have any problems. She used to think of Maggie and her as one of those couples who always had everything figured out. Of course, it wasn’t always peachy, but they always solved it. They couldn’t stay angry for long. Maggie used to send her a text in the middle of the day, after they left home fighting that morning. 'Your thoughts about lasagna for dinner?' As if everything is fine. As if she’s saying 'A fight?' now? have you lost your mind? I'm crazy about you, don’t be stupid.' And Alex would swallow a smile and send her back something like 'Sounds great.' Or 'I'd love to.' As if saying, 'You're absolutely right. Fights are irrational compared to how much I love you.' And they would come back home that evening and make out, leaning on the kitchen wall by the stove that baked the lasagna, usually with lots of 'Sorry' and 'That's okay', giggles and gasps.

Alex let out a low sigh. She felt a dull pain in her chest, and knew it was longing. It was better for her not to see Maggie ever again, but it seemed that when she saw her today it opened an old wound, and even if Maggie returned to the hole from which she had come and Alex would never see her, she would have to heal that wound again. The scent of her perfume she smelled this morning rose in her memory, and the dull pain became sharper.

You're her doctor, Danvers. A scientist. Stop using the right side of your brain so much.

She looked up at the people sitting in front of her. All with white coats, some with laptops open or papers, eager to hear her words, to listen to her wisdom. One of them, in the front row, with his combed hair up, sat tensely in his chair for the past ten minutes. She took another look at the rest of the room, and put her head back to the bent position where she had been sitting before, turning her cane back and forth in her hand.

"Three people walk into the clinic. Their legs hurt. What's wrong with them?"

Haircut swung his hand up in the air. Alex raised an eyebrow at him.

"The most likely cause of leg pain is a muscle strain. Apply heat on the affected areas, and let it rest.”

Alex nodded. "Statistically, you're right, very good." Haircut looked proud of himself, and his back stretched up a bit more.

Alex went on talking for a few minutes, her cane knocking on the floor and turning in her hand like a wand. She saw from the corner of her eye the students summarizing, writing, documenting her words. She talked about leg pains, statistics, and different treatments.

She paused for a few moments, looking up the small hall. "Three people, six legs." She said slowly, a bit thoughtful.

"Let's talk about them, shall we?" Her cane resting in her palm. "The first person was a farmer. They fixed a fence. The initial assumption was tightness in the ankle, loss of muscle control. The second person was in volleyball training, the coach assumed it was a muscle strain. The third person was..." She paused, thinking. "A golfer. Or, uh, something like that."

Alex got up from her chair, using a cane to walk across the stage. "When we will go over these cases, we'll find out that one of these people was a fraudster who tried to get drugs, and another one was very close to death." She looked at the crowd. "Guessings, anybody?"

The audience was quiet.

"Alright," she turned to the whiteboard beside her on the low stage. "Let's start with the farmer."

She wrote the details of the case and the symptoms, and the students' words, rejecting and encouraging ideas. Haircut participated enthusiastically, along with a bespectacled girl and a broad-shouldered guy who had a piercing in his eyebrow. The case was about a man who was standing and fixing the fence of his house, and suddenly felt a sharp pain in his thigh and fell to the ground. When he was brought to the hospital, a deep wound was discovered in his thigh, which, to his doctors first guess, was a snake bite.

"His doctors?" asked Glasses.

Alex turned around for a second and waved her hand dismissively, turning back. "My team."

Alex worked with a team of diagnosticians, each with different expertise in medicine. They would solve together cases of diagnosis problems, under Alex's supervision, and almost always succeeded in their work. Kara was an immunologist, James was a neurologist, and Winn was an expert on emergency medicine, though each specialized in other fields besides they’re own specialty. Alex was the head of the team and the diagnosis department. A double doctor and an expert in medical diagnosis, and although she was tough with her subordinates, she liked them, and they worked well together.

"The man was bitten by a snake." Alex turned again, taking her cane that was hung from the top of the board. "What now?"

"Checking allergies history?"

"Giving him general anti-virus?"

"Go and look for the snake?"

Alex turned her cane in the air. "No, no, and yes." She pointed to Eyebrow Piercing. "We went back to the farm and looked for the snake that bit him, along with Humane Society. They found the snake, trapped it, and we brought the anti-virus for the type of snake that attacked him.”

There was a silence as Alex continued to twist her cane in the air.

"So that's it?" Said Glasses, embarrassed.

"No." Alex looked at the board. "The man had a severe allergic reaction."

"Because of the bite?"

"Because of the anti-virus."

"So he's allergic." Said Haircut proudly, as if he was the one who suggested that they should check the patient's allergies and now he was lying in front of him on the hospital bed, breathing in relief.

"We gave him steroids, that's not it." Alex was still standing with her back to the audience, missing Haircut’s back that had lowered in disappointment.

"Maybe it wasn’t the right snake? maybe it was just a snake that passes through there."

Alex turned to look at Eyebrow Piercing. "You're right." She gave him a smile. "If you check online, you'll find that there are three common types of snakes in this area; the copperhead, timber rattler, and the coral. The anti-virus we gave to the man was suitable for two of these." She turned her cane again in the air. "What now?"

"Going to look for the other snake?"

"Giving him the anti-virus for the second type?"

"He can develop another allergic reaction, one that can kill him!"

"You'd rather go looking for the second snake? It could take too long, the snake must've gone away."

"Giving him another anti-virus, without checking if he’s allergic, especially when he developed an allergic reaction to the first virus-"

"Dr. Danvers, what should we do?"

The entire audience stared at her, and Haircut seemed almost flushed from his argument with Eyebrow Piercing. Men really do love to fight, don't they? Alex snickered slightly and sat down in her chair.

"Who gives the man the second anti-virus?"

Half the hands in the hall were raised.

"And who goes looking for the snake?"

The other half raised their hands.

"I guess one of the answers kills him, and the other saves him." Said Glasses.

"Yes."

"And there's no way to know what's the right thing to do?"

"No."

There was quiet for a few moments.

"But..." Mumbled Haircut. "You can’t blame us f-"

"I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, or maybe there isn't even a way you could know the right answer, it doesn't make your answer okay. It's a lot easier than that." Alex knocked her cane on the floor, looking at the handle. "It's just plain wrong. There are consequences for your mistake, and sometimes there's no turning back."

Again there was silence.

"We gave the guy the second anti-virus. He didn’t develop an allergic reaction, but the condition of the leg didn’t improve. In fact, we brought him every anti-virus we know, and the leg continued to turn black." She turned and looked at the board.

"What now?"

It was still quiet, and she turned to look at them. Glasses looked around in embarrassment. "Is there no more anti-virus you can get?"

"No."

"Maybe it's another snake?"

"We brought him every anti-virus that could cure any snake bites it could have been. Not only the leg is black, but the venom must also have come halfway to his heart." She knocked her cane again on the floor, a little harder. "What. Now."

No one answered. Alex sighed.

"The man is dying. You know what dying people say?" She started walking back and forth on the low stage. "People who are dying tend to focus their priorities. Find out what’s important to them. Find out what they are willing to die for. What they are willing to lie for." She raised her other hand in the air as she spoke. "Our farmer here, the first thing he said when I told him he was dying, was 'But who will take care of my dog?'"

Eyebrow Piercing chuckled. "The guy's going to die, and what he thinks about is his dog?"

"Imagine that." Alex stopped. "I suggested that maybe one of the neighbors would agree to take care of him, but he said that the neighbors didn’t like him, and when I suggested that Humane Society would take him, he resisted. And then I began to think that maybe... it wasn’t a snake bite."

Haircut’s eyes lit up, and Alex smiled the slightest smile. She forgot how much she liked to see such a spirit in young interns. They were annoying, and stupid, and often did the exact opposite of what was necessary, but she was like that too. Not that she remembers it.

“I did some investigation. Apparently, the dog bit one of the neighbors not long ago, and now he bit the man. The man was afraid we would rat about him to the authorities, so he was silent and hoped that one of the things we’ve given him would improve the situation." She went back to the board and wrote it down. "Obviously, it didn’t."

She finished writing and stayed with her back to the audience, looking at the board.

"in dog's saliva, there was a type of strep bacteria, which caused the inflammation to develop and damage the tissues. We had to operate and remove the damaged tissue. Eventually, we had to remove his leg.”

"Remove his whole leg?" Glasses asked, shocked.

"The guy lied about what bit him, I think he deserved it." Said Eyebrow Piercing.

"But the whole leg? You couldn’t leave at least a little b-”

"The man's leg was badly damaged. He was lucky he got out of it alive." Said Alex, still with her back to the crowd.

"And, he lied," Repeated Eyebrow Piercing.

"Yes, I know he lied, but that doesn’t mean it should make you feel better about the fact that you've cut his leg off!"

"People lie." Said Alex, turning around at last. She was supported by her cane as she stood, looking at Glasses. “People need to understand that when they lie, there are consequences for their actions. They have to understand that even if they don’t reveal the whole truth, if they hide something, if they do something that causes damage, they have to bear the consequences." She found herself clutching the cane tightly, her knuckles whitening. "Them, and no one else."

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, let out a shuddering breath. Her thigh tingled, just a little.

"Why don’t we take five?"

***

Lucy dug her teeth into her sandwich. "What did you expect?" She said with her mouth full. "That she wouldn’t get married?"

Alex sat hunched over, her forehead resting on her cane. “She said the same thing."

Lucy swallowed. "And... are you going to check her wife or not?"

"She's probably fine."

"Oh, come on," Lucy wiped her mouth. "The only reason she came to you is because she's desperate. She won’t invent a disease that doesn’t exist just to get back in touch with you."

"You say she hates me?"

"She doesn’t hate you."

"That's a relief."

"I think she still loves you."

Alex shook her head, closing her eyes. "That’s... not a relief."

"It's just that she can’t stand to be near you, it hurts her. So she turns to you, because she's desperate."

"Have you thought the maybe she might’ve come to me because I'm an expert in the field?"

"Oh, so she didn’t she hear about you before she went to the other three hospitals and the five doctors?" Lucy took another bite. "So would you check her? There's something there, for sure."

Alex was silent. "I don’t know." She said finally.

"You broke up with her, you know. A pretty ugly break up, if you ask me."

"I don’t recall I did."

There was a cough behind them and they turned. Haircut stood there, pointing to his watch.

"It's been almost six minutes, Dr. Danvers."

Alex stood up with a low sigh, turning back to the classroom.

***

"I found her!" announced Haircut as they entered the small hall, and everyone returned quickly to their places.

Alex looked at the board.

"Person number two, volleyball player." She said, and began to write down. "A sixteen-year-old girl came after a volleyball game with strong leg pain, and a brief examination showed that the pain wasn’t due to muscle contraction, as it was reasonable to think, but from tendonitis." She paused as she waited for the pens rustle and the writing on the keyboards to fade.

"What causes tendon inflammation?"

Answers flew from every direction, and Alex ruled them out one by one.

"Okay, okay, everyone, stop. Let's go back, what's the first thing we do?"

"Take history," said Glasses.

"That’s right. In this case, the doctor who took the details was a bit... thorough. Actually, too thorough." Alex sighed, remembering the endless sheets of notes that Kara had written about that girl. Not that Alex didn’t care about her patients, but Kara had the gift of sitting and listening for hours to her patients. Sometimes it was impressive, sometimes frustrating, and sometimes... it just paid off. Alex sat down. "She did the job right."

"In her examination, the doctor found no family history to prove tendinitis, but from talking to the girl she found out she was depressed, and in addition to the tendinitis, she found a small lump, here." She pointed to her neck and drummed her cane on the floor. "Problems with the thyroid glands can cause a depressive state of mind, and,” she swung her cane into the air, “Inflammation of the tendons. Another examination confirmed these suspicions."

She was silent for a few moments. "Treatment?" She raised an eyebrow in acceleration motion.

"Uhh, ah-" Haircut stammered.

"Thyroxine. In case of a thyroid problem and inflammation of the tendons. It will also resolve the depressed condition." Said Eyebrow Piercing

"Very good." He sent her a smile she was sure was captivating. She got up on her cane and walked over to the board, ignoring Haircut’s slightly hurtful look.

"So... that's all?"

Alex was silent as she wrote it on the board. "Almost."

"She got the proper treatment, and yet her condition continued to worsen. She didn’t respond to the treatment." Alex turned. "We discovered that she has hypersensitivity to touch, and her calcium was up. Guesses?”

"Parathyroid adenoma?"

"Kidney problems?"

"Vit D intoxication-"

"Hyperthyroid!"

"Good ideas. Let me save you the trouble, it was an adenoma." She nodded at Glasses, who smiled politely back. Alex turned back, expands on the implications of the adenoma and its treatments, writing them on the board.

"Where was the adenoma?" asked Haircut, his hair was a little messier than before.

"We did MRI, which revealed osteosarcoma. It was a cancerous tumor on the femur. The tumor is surgically removed, and the girl returns home safely and with chemo queues for the near future." Alex looked at the board again, silent, as the interns summed everything up.

A minute or two passed, and suddenly Glasses’ voice woke her from her deep thoughts.

“Dr. Danvers, the third person?"

Alex exhaled. "Ah, yes, the... the golfer."

"Golfer?"

"Well, they’re not really a golfer. But it doesn't matter. They were tested and diagnosed with decreased reflexes in their patellar tendon." Alex walked along the stage, her gaze fixed on the floor. "Anyone?"

"Slipped disc?"

"Wait a minute," Haircut said, and all eyes turned to him. He seemed to enjoy the momentary attention. "You said at first that one of the people who came in was looking for drugs. It wasn’t one of the other people, so it must be them." He finished triumphantly.

Alex looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Impressive." She nodded to him, and he craned his head up. "Indeed, they seemed to go into the clinic to get drugs, because they were writhing in terrible pain and begging the doctor to give them a sedative. In fact, they didn’t relax until they got 50 milligrams of Demerol straight into their leg."

"So that's it?"

"No. They came back after two days and said that the pain came back." Alex sat down. "What now?"

"I would call the police." Said Eyebrow Piercing

Alex studied him. "Why?"

"They're a drug addict, They're lying about some pain because they want more drugs."

"Drug addicts are stupid, no doubt." She shook her head, the box of pills in her pocket suddenly feeling very heavy. "But drug addicts sometimes get sick, too."

"So you give them more drugs?" Said Eyebrow Piercing in amazement.

"No, I'll see if there's anything wrong with them. Start with the urine.”

"Why there?"

Alex balanced her cane on her palm. "For starters, it's a test that takes fewer resources and money than other tests, and it's very, very painful. I want to make sure it really hurts that bad that they’re ready to sit with a tube in their bladder for half an hour."

There was a slight laugh in the crowd, and Alex rose to the board, beginning to write.

“They peed, indeed, and just when we thought they were alright and could go home, better with a rehab center referral, they started to pee blood."

Alex heard the sound of pens and keyboards and gave them another minute before turning and looking around.

"In fact, their urine was dark brown. Can someone tell me what causes the urine to go dark brown?"

"Kidney stone."

"Kidney stones cause...?"

"Blood in the urine."

Alex pinched her nose. "Dark brown urine is made of yellow, red and brown. Yellow for urine, red for blood, and brown for...?"

“Waste?"

"It means the kidneys stop functioning, why is that?"

"Trauma."

"No."

"Maybe damage done by the injection of the sedative?"

"No."

"Infection, then."

"Treatment?"

"Antibiotics," said Haircut.

"What else?" Said Alex, looking at them expectantly. The audience was quiet.

"Come on, come on!" She almost shouted. A shudder passed through them, but they remained silent, puzzled glances passing between them.

Alex stepped off the low stage, walking among them. "A blood test showed an elevated level of creatine kinase. What does that mean?" She turned her question to Eyebrow Piercing.

"The diagnosis of the trauma is correct, they need to rest for a few days."

"Are you sure?" She stared at him, and he paused.

"The elevated creatine kinase rules out infection, so-"

"There's something else you're missing." She turned to Haircut. "What are you missing?"

He looked at her, blinking. "It's- it's kinda hard to think when you're standing over our heads like th-"

"Yeah? You think it’ll be easier for you to have a real patient who’s actually dying? You think you won’t have pressure from every direction when your patient is lying in bed, suffering from pain, and you don’t know what their problem is? You think you'll always know the solution to every problem and the cure for everything? Do you really think it’ll be that easy?" She suddenly realized that she was raising her voice, tapping her cane on the floor threateningly, and that Haircut was sitting hunched in his chair. She swallowed and turned.

"What are you missing?"

The silence continued, and she opened her mouth to say the diagnosis when a voice stopped her.

"Muscle death."

She turned. Kara stood up at the end of the small hall, her hands folded.

Alex nodded, and Kara smiled at her.

"A dead muscle leaks myoglobin, which is toxic to the kidneys." Glasses mumbled.

Alex nodded at her too, and rubbed her eyes.

"The patient's doctors didn’t find anything, just like you didn’t, and sent them home with antibiotics and orders to rest, just like you would."

"Did they got better?"

"What do you think?" Alex's voice was quiet, her gaze on the board. There was silence again.

"It's the nature of the medicine that you're about to screw up. You're going to kill someone. If you can’t handle this reality, choose another profession, or finish medical school and teach others." She took a deep breath. "Three days after they were sent home, it was the patient who suggested that they should check to see if this was a muscle problem. An M.R.I test confirmed their suspicions. It was an aneurysm that clotted and led to infarction."

She remained with her back to the audience, breathing deeply. The silence penetrated deep into her ears, returning old voices to her mind.

She needs another pill.

*  
*  
*

"We have to do the surgery." Said Dr. J’onzz.

Alex wasn’t listening. She didn’t want to listen to anything. Maggie's hand groped hers, and their fingers were intertwined in a way that always amazed Alex, how two hands could fit so perfectly together. She wanted to look into Maggie's eyes but was afraid it would make her cry, and she has to be tough now.

Instead, she concentrated on one spot in the wall opposite her, Maggie and Dr. J’onzz's voices passing over her, and she was only holding tight on the woolly hospital blanket in her other hand.

"The necrotic tissue has to be removed, if there's too much-"

"I don’t care."

"It can save your life."

"I need my leg."

"Alex," Maggie put a hand on her shoulder. "I love your leg, but it's an operation that can save-"

"You won’t cut off my leg." She looked at Dr. J’onzz, his gaze frozen and authoritative. He looked from Maggie to Alex and back.

"I'll give you time to think about it." He said before leaving the room.

Alex closed her eyes and exhaled. "They won’t cut it off, they won’t." She dared to take a quick look at Maggie, realizing too late that it was a bad idea. Maggie's eyes looked at her warmly, her hand rising to caress Alex's cheek.

"They won’t, they won’t, they won’t," she repeated it like a mantra. She kept repeating it even as Maggie's hand hugged her shoulder, even when she buried her face in her chest, even when she let her eyes eventually get wet. "They won’t."

*

"There are so many people with prosthetic legs that are getting along so well-"

"Doctor J’onzz, I'm not doing it."

Maggie turned to stand up and looked out the window. Three hours had passed since Doctor J’onzz had gone and returned, and Alex hadn’t changed her mind. She didn’t look at Maggie, and still stared at Dr. J'onzz's face, determined. "Do a bypass, restore the circulation-"

"Alex, there are potentially devastating complications, a dead muscle release dangerous substances-"

"Cytokines and potassium, which in the case of restoring the blood flow will sweep back into my system and can cause cardiac arrest or organ failure." She leaned deeper in her back cushions. "On the other hand, I might be able to use my leg again."

Dr. J’onzz glanced at Maggie, who was standing still with her back to them, looking out.

"The postoperative pain alone will-"

“I'm a doctor, J'onn. I know the risks. You don’t have to explain to me."

"Amputation is safer."

Alex raised an eyebrow. "For you or me?"

He didn’t answer, just pursed his lips.

"The leg stays, and this is the final word. Go book an O.R.”

He looked at Maggie again and then at Alex, saying nothing. He left the room in silence, closing the door behind him.

Maggie turned, still standing, hands folded.

"Alex..." she said quietly. "Alex, please, think about it..."

"No. I made my decision." Alex shook her head, looking at the wall.

"You're going to kill yourself-"

"I won’t die." Alex's voice was cold. "I won’t die. I will stay with my leg and I will live."

Maggie shook her head, lowering it down. Alex knew that if she would look at her she would find wet eyes. She didn’t dare make the same mistake again.

Somehow their hands found their way back to one another, and they remained intertwined, clasped together until Alex fell asleep, a small crease stays between her eyebrows.

*

Maggie stood in the gallery of the O.R and looked down. The surgery was short, but not simple. She couldn’t sit, walking back and forth, biting her nails. She can’t remember when she last ate, or went to the bathroom, or thought of something other than Alex, who was now lying down on the surgical table below, letting surgeons remove the clot from the muscle's blood vessels in her leg. She also shouldn’t be up here, but no one cared enough to argue with Doctor Danvers’ girlfriend about it.

God, it seems like everything went so fast. Just last week they watched this TV show about the desserts making, and Alex looked wide-eyed at how people that were building cakes and growers out of whipped cream and chocolates and strawberries, all from scratch, in front of her very eyes. Maggie watched her with amusement, as if she had never seen such desserts before, almost mocking her that she was acting like a little girl. She thought that Alex never really let herself be childish or laughing next to anyone else, which made a faint flutter of happiness in her chest; Alex is hers, with all her layers together.

They lay curled up on the couch long after the show was over, and Alex curled a strand of Maggie's hair on her finger.

"Why don't we buy a cheesecake with blueberries for Sunday?" Alex thought aloud. Maggie hummed something in response.

"Why don't we make a cheesecake with blueberries for Sunday?" Alex said, louder, with enthusiasm in her voice. "I can make it, it's easy! I can totally m-"

"No." Maggie said, rising slightly. "You can’t make it for sure. I might be able to make it."

"You don’t believe me," Alex sounded offended, although Maggie knew she wasn’t really offended, by the way her fingers continued to curl Maggie's hair. Probably because deep down she knows she really can’t make it.

"You know who can make it? The man in the bakery," Maggie murmured, putting her head back on Alex's chest. Alex let out a laugh that wobbled Maggie. "This is true."

"He'll make us a cake with blueberries... and sugar dough... and crumbs all over the top..." Alex licked her lips with appetite and Maggie laughed. 

"What about chocolate?"

"So much chocolate for you," Alex murmured, pulling Maggie to her, and Maggie could almost taste this divine cake on her lips.

A voice behind her brought her back to reality, and she suddenly realized that he was calling her for the third or fourth time. She turned quickly. Winn stood there, holding a paper bag in his hand.

"Maggie," he said, smiling warmly. "How are you?"

It seems that this is the first time in a long time she has been asked that question, because she’s not sure how to react. The love of my life lies on the operating table down there, and I don’t think I remember how to breathe. You're a doctor, you can help me, right? She sighed and nodded. "I, uh... I'm fine."

Winn's smile turned a bit more sympathetic. "No, you don’t. But don’t worry, you will be." He handed her the bag and shook his head toward the operating room. "And she will be too."

Maggie took the bag from his hand. Winn was one of the doctors on Alex's team. The crew was very new, only a few months they worked together, and from what she heard from Alex about Winn, he was sweet, a bit of a nerd, and very smart. She didn’t get the chance to meet him properly, only a few minutes here and there, but he treated her with pleasurably friendliness, gesturing for her to sit next to him. She felt a little calmer, and sat down, looking at the contents of the bag. There were a sandwich and a bottle of soda.

"I figured you didn’t really have time to eat recently, and now is a good time for you to relax."

Relax? Is he kidding?

"From my experience, the person down there doesn’t really care if you sit here and bite your nails or if you relax and eat." He said calmly. "I even think Doctor Danvers would be happy if you took a moment for yourself."

She didn’t answer and just nodded. Winn didn’t look very old, but he sounded experienced. Twenty-seven at most. Alex did describe him as the youngest member of the team, but a brilliant mind. Maggie agreed to herself to rely on him.

Maggie chewed the sandwich slowly while she and Winn watched the blood clot that blocked Alex's leg muscle get out of her body, lying on a sterile tray beside the surgical table. She stared at the tiny spot, wondering what would happen to them now.

*

Sweat glistened on Alex's forehead. 

"I need more morphine," she said, shivering. There was no trace of the stiff, tough Alex from before the surgery, and she became a tangle of rags, begging for another sedative as quickly as possible.

Maggie continued to wipe her face with a towel, a tortured look on her face. "The doctors say they can’t," she murmured, wishing she had a better reason why she was continuing to torture Alex like that.

"These doctors don’t understand anything, they don’t know anything," Alex said through clenched teeth. "I diagnosed myself, I cured myself, and if I could I would operate on myself. I am my own doctor, and I need more morphine, now." A trace of the stiff Alex appeared on the surface, and Maggie shook her head.

"You don’t think logically, you're in pain-"

"Maggie. Go get me morphine."

Maggie watched her, speechless, shaking her head.

"Please..." A fresh sweat appeared on her forehead again, and her eyes were red with pain. "I can’t..."

"Alright," Maggie heard herself say, and she kissed Alex's red cheek, hurried out of the room.

J’onn stood outside, signing some medical papers on a clipboard a nurse handed him.

"Doctor J’onzz," she said, and he turned quickly.

"Maggie," he said softly. "How is she?"

"Very bad. Is there any chance of getting more morphine?"

He shook his head. "She has already received more than the allowed amount, it could be dangerous."

Maggie nodded. She knew that was what he would say. But she had to try, for the faint chance of easing Alex's pain.

"How long should this pain last?"

"It depends on how many muscle cells had died," he said. His gaze was sympathetic and his voice steady. "She may be right," she added gently. "She can get out of it with almost full functioning of her leg."

"Or?"

"Or she could suffer from pain for the rest of her life. There's no way of knowing what's going to happen. We just have to wait."

Maggie looked away at Alex's room, where she kept sigh from pain, her hands gripping the gray blanket. She didn’t know how long she could keep looking at her suffering like that. She wished she had a way to take away her pain, feel it herself, for Alex...

"There's a third option... surgical one. If you want to think about it," J’onn's voice suddenly woke her. She looked at him. "Some kind of middle ground between what we did and amputation. It's a pretty safe option, relative to what we have now." His voice sounded softer, and she realized that between the lines, he recommended that that’s what they should do. She nodded, looking back at the room, a bitter smile on her face.

"She's not a big fan of middle grounds," she said, and she didn’t have to look at J’onn to see that he nodded in agreement.

*

"How bad is it now?" Maggie's voice was quiet. It’s been about two days since the surgery, and she couldn’t remember the last time she closed her eyes. Winn came from time to time, bringing them food and consoling looks, but Alex continued to writhe in pain, and it seemed that the pain would never stop.

"It's bad." Murmured Alex.

"It doesn't get any better. If you were right the pain would fade, but it's not," Maggie had reproach in her voice, but her hand stroked Alex's arm calmly.

"It just takes time," Alex's voice quivered, her eyes closed.

"No, it's not."

She was silent for a moment.

"You have to let them cut off your leg."

Alex shook her head. She looked at Maggie, breathing deeply. Maggie saw the anxiety in her eyes. "It's my leg, Maggie, it's my life," she whispered.

"Would you give up your leg to save me?"

Alex didn’t blink. "In a second."

"So why do you think your life is worth less than mine?" Maggie was desperate, tears in her eyes. "It's just a damn leg, Alex..." She saw Alex swallowing. "Don’t you think you deserve to live, to be happy?"

There was a small promise in those words, all their grand and unspoken plans, all their life's aspirations, their whole future, amounting to one leg.

"Let them take your leg."

Alex looked at her, and beyond the terrible pain and despair, Maggie saw love, as deep as an ocean. And with all that, she knew it wouldn’t be enough. "I can’t."

A tear fell on Maggie's cheek, and she bowed her head to the mattress, burying her head in Alex's shoulder, trembling.

*

Maggie rubbed a napkin between her fingers, the coffee cup in her hands is empty. She was sitting in the hallway, not far from Alex's room, waiting for Doctor J'onzz to arrive. A huge stone sat on her chest, and she felt herself kneeling under the heavy load.

"How is she?"

Maggie raised her head, Doctor J'onzz sitting beside her.

"Not good."

Dr. J'onzz nodded.

"Has she changed her mind?"

Maggie shook her head. "She wants to get into a chemically induced coma, so she could sleep through the worst part of the pain," Alex instructed her what to say before she asked her to page Dr. J'onzz and ask him.

"We can do that," Dr. J'onzz nodded. Maggie kept twisting the napkin in her hands.

"What will happen after she gets into the coma?" She asked, looking up. Dr. J'onzz folded his fingers on his knees.

"We'll monitor her condition closely, of course, and if she goes through the next 48 hours without any drastic incident-"

"No, I mean... with the medical decisions. I’m her health care proxy, I can make medical decisions for her if she can’t," said Maggie, and J’onn looked at her, raising his eyebrows, his lips opening in slight surprise. Maggie looked like she had a plan, her tired eyes determined.

"You have to talk about it together, see what she wants to do," she said slowly. Maggie shook her head.

"I know what she wants, but if she's out, that's my decision, right?"

J’onn was silent. He looked around and sighed, and finally looked at Maggie again. The determined look didn’t leave her eyes. He bit his lips and nodded slowly.

Maggie leaned back, and she didn’t know if she was only imagining, but the heavy stone was slightly lifted over her chest.

*

Dr. J'onzz took the syringe out of the tube, the anesthetizer already cruising into Alex's system. He looked at her for another moment as she turned to him with tired eyes. "You'll fall asleep in less than a minute," he said. She nodded gratefully at him, and he gave her a thin smile, leaving the two of them alone.

Alex turned her head heavily to Maggie. "Hey,"

"Hey," Maggie put her hand on Alex's cheek. She sniffed, trying to smile.

"I'll see you when I wake up." said Alex, a slight smile on her face. Her eyes struggled to stay open as long as she could. “We'll go golfing.” 

Maggie shook her head, letting out a burst of wet laughter.

"I love you," Alex murmured through tired lips.

"I love you too," Maggie's voice was a weak whimper. Alex smiled, letting her eyes close.

"I'm sorry," Maggie said, more quietly, her hand still caressing Alex's cheeks. Alex's eyes were closed but she shook her head.

"It's not your fault," she said, and then stopped moving, sleepy and calm.

Tears pierced the dam in Maggie's eyes and she covered her mouth, closing her eyes.

"Yes, it is," she murmured, but Alex was already asleep.

Maggie looked up, discovering Doctor J’onzz standing outside the room. She came over to him quickly, wiping her eyes.

"The middle ground you were talking about..."

"We cut out the dead muscle." He nodded. "There's still some risk of reperfusion injury, but-"

"I want it. Give me the forms that need to be signed."

J’onn looked at her, nodding warmly. He put a hand on her shoulder. "You're saving her life."

Maggie looked into the room where Alex lay calmly. "She won’t be seeing it that way."

*  
*  
*

Alex rubbed her neck, which felt stiff suddenly. The room was completely quiet, and dozens of eyes watched her curiously. Kara was sitting on a chair at the end of the small hall, listening thirstily like everyone. Alex didn’t look at anyone, just stared at the spot on the opposite wall.

"The extent of the muscle removed caused the utility of the patient's leg to severely compromised. Because of the time delay in making the diagnosis, the patient continues to experience chronic pain." The box of pills in her pocket felt heavy again, and she held her cane tight, running her hand over it again and again.

"She didn’t have the right to do that," She heard Glasses say.

"She had the proxy," said Eyebrow Piercing.

"She knew they didn’t want the surgery!"

"She saved their life," she said.

"We don’t know that," Haircut joined. "Thay could have been okay,"

"It doesn’t matter," said Glasses. "That's the patient's decision."

"The patient is an idiot," said Eyebrow Piercing, leaning back.

Alex snickers slightly and shook her head. "They usually are."

It was quiet again, and she knocked her cane lightly on the floor, looking around. "What time does this class end, anyway?"

"Ten minutes ago." She heard J’onn's voice. She turned to the door beside the low stage, where he stood with his hands folded, leaning against the frame, a slight smile on his face.

Alex rolled her eyes and stood, limping toward the exit where he was.

"I'm not doing it again," she murmured at him, and left the classroom without another word.

*

"Maggie? it's Alex." Alex swallowed, shaking her head. "I have... I have an opening tomorrow at 10 AM If you want, you can... you can come. Don’t be late." She nodded, as if Maggie could see her, and hung up.

She looked at her phone for a few seconds and then put it in her pocket, where it bumped with the pills box. She continued down the hallway toward her office, her cane making rhythmic thumping sounds on the stone floor every time she took a step.


	2. Chapter two A

Alex glanced at her watch. They were twenty minutes late.

It's not that she's surprised. After all, they blow her off three times before and made her wait for them, twice in her office and once in the hospital cafeteria. Each time she waited for half an hour or more until the text came from Maggie, usually saying something like 'I'm sorry, but we'll have to set another date. She can't come.'

Apparently, Maggie's wife didn't like hospitals, or medical procedures, or doctors. Alex pondered with the idea of the poor woman being treated by a doctor who used to date her wife, shaking her head with a bitter smile.

If it had been anyone else, Alex would have transferred the case to another doctor long ago. She would say that she doesn’t have any time to waste, or that if they keep evades the matter like that there was probably nothing wrong with the patient. That it’s not important enough for the patient to come and examine. She wouldn’t even bother with the case.

But it was Maggie. Maggie, who had been hers until five years ago, who would have asked Alex for everything, the moon, and Alex would give it to her. Alex didn’t know if Maggie was aware of that influence on her, but preferred not to find out. In any case, Maggie is no longer hers, she’s another woman's now, and Alex is the one who needs to cure that woman.

Alex glanced at her watch again. It had been two minutes since she had last checked.

She sat now in a small cafe, not far from the hospital. Maggie thought that maybe a non-hospital environment wouldn’t deter Claire from coming, and Alex agreed, as long as it could work.

Claire. Maggie's wife. The pounding of Alex's foot on the floor became more frequent, more nervous. She looked for her online, of course. Claire was a high school teacher, and her picture was on the school site she taught in, under the title 'Claire Warner, Head of Mathematics'. She was light-haired, with a pleasant smile and a prominent beauty mark on her left cheek. Alex wanted very much to hate her, but all the signs didn’t give her that chance - the woman was quite perfect.

And she could probably walk without a problem, too.

Alex shook her head.

The whole situation starts to get on her nerves.

She was about to call the waiter to bring her the check, and then the door opened, and Maggie and Claire entered the cafe. They looked like they’re laughing, relaxed, and Alex's heart seemed to fit under clamps. Maggie glanced around, and when she saw Alex, she started walking toward her. Alex stood heavily, supported by the table.

Claire looked around, then finally at Alex. She stopped abruptly, reaching for Maggie.

She doesn’t know she came to see me here, Alex realized, and tried not to smile at the trick Maggie did. Sounds like Maggie. She continued to stand there, watching the women arguing in whispers, Maggie moving her hands in frustration and Claire looking back and forth at Alex and back at Maggie, a firm but frightened look in her eyes.

Finally, they started to move toward Alex, Claire reaching a hand to shake Alex's as Maggie sat down at the table.

"Doctor Danvers, it's nice to meet you," she said, a matter of facility in her voice. Alex squeezed her hand firmly.

"Nice to meet you too." She said, and for a fraction of a second she met Maggie's eyes, who was already sitting down, lowering her head quickly. She looked relieved, probably because they're finally meeting Alex, and Alex held herself from smiling at her encouragingly, from reaching out to hold her hand.

"My wife tells me you're quite the doctor," Claire said, raising her hand to call the waiter. Alex exchanged a second look with Maggie, who quickly looked down.

"That's what they say about me," Alex said at last, leaning back a little.

Claire ordered coffee for her and Maggie and looked back at Alex. A silence fell on the table. Alex noticed Maggie hadn’t said a word the whole time, which was a bit odd. It occurred to her that Claire might have laid down a condition that she wouldn’t speak, and Alex began to wonder about Claire's personality, and her relationship with Maggie.

Claire squinted and looked at Alex intently. "Well, I would love to chat and catch up, but I want to make it clear beforehand that we are not discussing my medical condition." Alex raised her eyebrows and looked at Maggie, who opened her mouth to protest.

"Maggie." Claire's voice was cutting, and Maggie closed her mouth, staring right at Alex. Alex coughed, leaning forward with a smile.

"Mrs. Werner, I studied your file carefully, and even though there was nothing special that caught my attention, I would be happy to take you to the hospital for routine checkups," Alex spoke in all the most official doctor tone she could muster. Perhaps she was only imagining, but the slightest smile appeared on Maggie's lips.

Claire shook her head. "I feel fine. The fainting and the abdominal pain, it's the stress, the other doctors said. It's a bit of a stressful time for me at work and Maggie is just getting a bit too protective, that's all." She looked at Maggie, who shook her head and opened her mouth again.

"Claire, it's not-"

"Yes, it is, Maggie, and you got to stop worrying so much. I don’t understand what is your problem."

Alex looked at Maggie, recognizing fear in her eyes as she looked at Claire, and the understanding settled on her, like a bolt of lightning.

Maggie is afraid to lose another partner because she wasn’t careful enough to notice that something was wrong. Nothing in Claire's file was a sign of concern, and most people would let it pass and go home. But Maggie is not most people. She lost too much because she was complacent, because they both were. Maggie wouldn’t let something like that happen for the second time.

Alex took a deep breath and gave a pleasant smile. "Actually, Mrs. Werner, there was a minor thing about your examines that caught my attention. That's why I insisted we’d meet."

Claire narrowed her eyes again. She didn’t seem to buy what Alex was saying, but she didn’t say a word. Alex wondered if Maggie had told her what was Alex's side about this whole story, and how determined she really was to meet them.

"In one of your scans there was something, a stain, and I'd like to take you for further tests, to find out how dangerous it really is. I wouldn't want you to come for pointless tests if there was no risk for your health."

Claire still didn’t answer, and she looked at the coffee cup in front of her now, mixing the drink inside with no purpose. Alex knew she knew she was lying. And yet she went on talking.

"Mrs. Warner, I'm a doctor. My job is to cure people who need it. I wouldn’t dream of calling you up to the hospital if you were okay."

Alex didn’t look at Maggie, but she knew she was smiling through the cup of coffee she was drinking.

Claire looked up abruptly, looking from Alex to Maggie.

"Okay," she said. She put her hand on Maggie's knee, who looked relieved. "I'll do the goddamn tests."

"Thank you," Maggie said quietly, giving a little kiss over Claire's ear as Alex searched for something else to look at. Claire smiled at her and looked at Alex again.

"Why don't we... put all the cards on the table?" she said. Alex nodded and Claire took Maggie's hand in hers, in a kind of possessive step, which made Alex move slightly uncomfortably in her chair.

"You two dated. A long time. I hope these tests won't take too long, and I trust Maggie." Claire didn’t look away from Alex's eyes, and Alex tried not to blink.

"I hope I have nothing to worry about."

"Don’t worry, Mrs. Warner. You can trust me." She didn’t look at Maggie.

Claire nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Danvers." She said and emptied her cup in a few quick gulps.

"Let’s go."

***

Kara looked at the board, on which she just finished writing the symptoms of the case. Winn studied the file and James was busy with his lettuce sandwich, looking at the board with Kara.

"Ideas, anyone?"

Winn frowned, confused. "This case doesn’t really... make sense. I mean, they did all the tests, but found nothing." He looked at the board and then at Kara. "Do you think this is some kind of test? or us?"

"Danvers is trying to get us to find something where there's nothing to find? could be," Kara took another sip of her coffee. "But I doubt that she’ll waste our time with useless files and riddles."

"Did I hear useless?" Alex limped into the room, dropped her bag on one of the chairs, and turned to the coffee stand.

"No, I just meant-"

"It's alright, Zorel, I didn’t see anything in that case at first sight either." Alex started making coffee for herself, clattering loudly in the kitchen utensils to the silence.

"So that means there's no problem with the case?" James tried to clarify the situation. They all looked at Alex as she turned back to the board and looked at the symptoms Kara had written.

"It means that there is a problem, we just don’t know where it is."

"So...?"

"The woman with abdominal pain and mood swings. What do we do?" Alex turned to take her bag, a hot cup of coffee in her other hand.

"Ultrasound and C.T. for her abdomen and pelvis with and without contrast..."

"Let's start with that." Alex nodded towards Winn. "Get started." She said, opening the door between her office and the diagnostic room.

"These tests have already been done, Doctor,"

Alex turned to look at James. "Did you do these tests?"

James raised an eyebrow. "No."

"Than go and do them. I want all the tests that had been done and needs to be done, again. We're gonna find out what's wrong with this woman."

She went into her office, leaving the three behind, confused.

***

"...Nothing out of the ordinary."

Claire glared at Maggie, who ignored her, and turned to Kara with crossed arms.

"Okay, so what do we do now?"

"Leave," Claire said. She and Maggie exchanged flushed glances, and Alex felt invisible sparks pass between the two from the corner of the room, where she was leaning against the wall. There was silence for a few moments as the two continued to stare at each other until Kara cleared her throat in embarrassment and looked at her papers again.

"There's a surgical option, if you'll agree. It will allow us to examine from within what’s wrong instead of continuing to carry out tests-”

"No. You didn't hear me? We're leaving." Claire began to take off the blanket, and Maggie reached out to stop her.

"Claire, listen to me-"

"No, Maggie, I love you, but I can’t go through any more useless tests that show the same data again and again just because you have a gut feeling about what's happening in my body!" Claire raised her voice in fury, talking through clenched teeth. She snapped Maggie's hand away from her arm, got out of bed and began to pack her things, taking out clothes from the bag that was on the chair.

Maggie looked around desperately. Alex didn’t say a word the whole time, and Kara stared at the floor, hugging herself tight. Alex knew she didn’t like shoutings, something about her childhood trauma and the fact that she had been in an orphanage and foster homes for most of her life. Kara dared to look up for a second to look at Alex, her chin trembling. Alex gave her a small, encouraging smile and motioned her to get out.

Maggie looked at Alex, her eyes pleading. Alex rose from the wall, leaning cautiously on her cane towards Claire.

"Mrs. Werner-"

"What?" Claire barked.

Alex didn’t flinch. "I would be happy to explain to you about the surgical possibility Dr. Zorel offered, if you would listen-"

"I'm not - I'm not listening to anything you have to say, I'm done," she looked at Maggie, "You hear me? I'm done. We've done all these tests six times, and now they want to cut me open? Absolutely not.” She continued to arrange her belongings in the bag.

Maggie and Alex exchanged another look.

In all the tense atmosphere in the room, Alex noticed that it had been over five years since she and Maggie had been in the same room for more than ten minutes, yet she felt as though it hadn’t been a week. The way Maggie looked at her, the way they looked at each other, how they communicated and transmitted thoughts through their eyes, movements and body language only, was extraordinary. She felt as if she was riding a bicycle again, her knees rising and falling, her thighs pushing the pedals forward and the wind blowing on her face, and she was riding away, the whole world in her palm.

"Baby," Maggie put a hand on Claire's shoulder, her voice painfully soft, causing her to stop for a moment from her nervous movements, to breathe. Claire turned to look at her, desperate.

"I can’t do this anymore, Mag," she said in a faint voice. "How many more doctors will have to test me before we can return to our lives?" Maggie bit her lip as she looked at Claire, running her hand back and forth on her arm.

"Just one more."

Claire looked at Alex, that was leaning on her cane, looking at them, a formal look on her face.

"Can you give us a minute?" Claire said, looking at her candidly, her face weary. Alex nodded once at her and again at Maggie, who smiled a tired smile, and went out of the room.

***

"She'll do it."

Alex looked up from the papers in front of her. Maggie stood in her office doorway, crossing her hands. Alex took off her glasses and leaned back, motioning Maggie to enter. Maggie sat in the chair opposite Alex. She studied the office, which was boring; gray, brown, without any decoration or color. Only one picture of a man in his fifties embraces the twenty-five year old Alex, dressed in academic gown and hat at her graduation ceremony, both smiling broadly at the camera. Alex can’t remember the last time she smiled like that.

She actually does remember. But it's much easier for her to pretend she’s not.

Maggie drummed her fingers on her knee, looking around. She bit her cheek when she finally looked at Alex.

"I convinced her to do it."

"Very good."

"Well, I am a lawyer,” A tiny smile slid onto Maggie's face, and Alex couldn’t resist smiling back.

There was silence as each tried to find something to look at but the other.

"So," Maggie took a deep breath. "What exactly are you looking for?"

Alex leaned forward, shrugging. "Honestly, we don’t know. Something in the abdominal area causes fainting and strange behaviors, so we'll go inside and see if there's anything we missed in the tests." She was silent for a moment. "I can’t promise that we'll find something." She said, her voice quieter than before.

"I know," Maggie nodded. "But I want us to do everything for the chance to make her better."

Alex was silent. She knows she needs to get angry. She knows the right thing to do is to go over to Claire and explain to her that this surgery can be dangerous, useless, and stupid. She knows she needs to explain all of this to Maggie, but from the look on her face, she knew there wasn’t much chance that this would make any difference. Claire agreed to the surgery, reminded her a voice in the back of her mind. But what if she only agreed because Maggie had persuaded her to agree? What if, inwardly, she doesn't really want to do this surgery?

Maggie would never let anything take another partner from her. And Alex couldn’t refuse Maggie. And if she's being honest, she didn’t want to start caring too much about Claire. She rubbed her eyes. Okay, if everyone agrees to do the surgery, they'll do the damn surgery. After all, this is their only chance to find out what's wrong. There might be something there. And if Claire really agrees, there's no reason not to.

"I'll book an O.R." She picked up the phone to make the call while Maggie rose from her chair, a grateful look on her face.

"Thank you, Alex," she said before leaving the room, giving her a last look. Alex watched her walk away, lost in thought.

"O.R."

Alex blinked, focusing. "Yes, hey, it’s Dr. Danvers. I need an O.R as fast as possible for the patient Claire Warner. Yes, I need Goldstein, if that's possible..."

As Alex continued talking to the nurse, Kara entered the room, sitting down in silence on the chair Maggie set on a few moments ago. Alex nodded at her without saying a word.

"I saw Maggie leave," Kara said as Alex put the phone down. Alex took a pen and went on with her papers.

"Yes, she convinced Claire to do the surgery. I booked the O.R for tomorrow morning." Only the sound of the pen on the paper was heard for a few moments before Alex looked up, finding Kara sitting with her hands folded, her brow furrowed.

"Is there a problem?"

"I just don’t think that surgery is the right move for us right now."

Alex put down her pen. "You think it's nothing."

"Five doctors examined her before us and found nothing, Danvers. I think it's time to give up."

"No doctor has performed a surgery."

"It doesn’t mean that this surgery should be done. It's too early to say there's anything there that requires such an intrusive step."

Alex studied her for a moment, her hands crossed over her chest. "Still, I'd like-"

"It's because of Maggie, isn’t it? You and her, you used to date."

Alex fell silent. "What are you talking about?"

"I know you, Danvers. If it was anyone else you would talk with them in your doctor's voice and tell them it's nothing and they can go home, but because it's Maggie..."

"You're being ridiculous."

"I'm just saying what I see." Kara shrugged. Alex's mouth stretched to a thin line, and she picked up the pen again.

"There's something there. I don’t know what it is, but we'll find it."

"Of course." There was a bit of sarcasm in Kara's voice.

"It's not because of Maggie, Zorel! Maggie has been happily married for the past two years, and it's been five years since we even talked! There's absolutely no reason-" She stopped suddenly as Kara closed her eyes, wincing. Alex sighed.

"Sorry, I just-"

"No, it's okay, it's my fault..."

"No, it's not your fault. Don't blame yourself." Alex shook her head. "Look, there's no reason for me to want to go back to being with her if I don’t even have a chance. I'm not... interested. Even if I had the chance.”

Kara was silent, studying her. "Alex, I think-" she said in a soft, quiet voice.

"No. This discussion is over. I’m asking you to leave. update Olsen and Schott in the surgery details." She stared at her. "It will happen tomorrow morning, no changes."

Alex didn’t look at Kara anymore, not when she stayed in her chair for a few more seconds, Alex knows exactly what a look on her face, and not when she got up slowly and left the room, closing the door behind her.

Alex put the pen down slowly, burying her head in her hands. She took the bottle of pills from her pocket, swallowing two of them quickly.

*  
*  
*

"So that's it?"

"What did you expect?"

Maggie closed her eyes. "I don’t know. I guess I expected you to be... more grateful."

Alex shook her head. “How can I be grateful when you did exactly what I didn’t want you to do? How can I be grateful when my leg hurts unbearably? How can I - " she gasped for a moment, her throat chokes. "How can I be grateful when the woman I love betrayed me?"

"I tried to save your life, Alex, you don’t und-"

"No, what you don’t understand is that I wanted to save myself, after everyone around me made me go through what I went through, and yet I couldn’t do it." She stared at her bluntly. "Because of you."

There were tears on Maggie's cheeks. "Alex..."

"No. We're done. We are over.” Her voice trembled. “I don’t want to see your stuff in the house. Find a place to stay, I don't care. I won't let you hurt me again."

Alex grabbed the wheels of her chair and rolled away, her mind obscuring Maggie's sobbing sounds from the room she was coming out of.

Three days had passed since she woke up to find that she had been operated. She was unable to sue, since Maggie really was her health care proxy, and now she had to undergo physiotherapy, taking medication regularly until she’ll be back to normal, and dealing with the people around her, who seemed, until the very last one, to agree to the step that was made.

She hated them. For the worry, the confidence that they know what's good for her, what should be done. No one let her do her fucking job right. She's a doctor, for god's sake, she knows exactly what to do and when. She was her own doctor, and if that would have happened to anyone else-

No. She doesn’t need to keep thinking about it.

She continued rolling down the hallway, up the elevator and on her way, finally reaching the physiotherapy center. She took off her shoes with the help of the instructor, began to do the exercises with effort and clenched teeth, quietly.

She loves Maggie. She loves her so much it hurts, sometimes more than her leg. But what Maggie did... it was unforgivable. She doesn’t hate her, and she never will. She can’t.

But she can’t be with her either. She could never be with her.

*  
*  
*

Alex looked up just as James opened the door across from her, while she set on one of the chairs in the waiting room.

"She's okay. In recovery now."

Alex nodded. James paused.

"Goldstein says he didn’t find anything, just a... distended bladder."

Alex knocked with her cane gently on the floor, thinking. "Neurogenic bladder doesn’t cause pain," she muttered.

"And no changes in personality, too," James said, shoving his hands into his pocket. "I think Zorel is right. There's nothing there."

Alex raised her head. "Bring me the surgery's tape, will you?"

He nodded and started walking away.

"Olsen," she called, and he turned.

"Did you talk to Maggie?"

"She's with Claire right now," he said. He opened his mouth for a moment to say something, and closed it immediately, turning again and walking away.

*  
*  
*

"Danvers, we've talked about this, there's nothing there," Kara sighed. She and James stood in her office, where she sat and watched Claire's surgery tape for the second time. She didn’t take her eyes off the screen as she spoke.

"No,  you said that there's nothing there. I insist we keep trying." She scrawled something on a page in front of her and looked back at the screen. "Schott is coming soon and he'll help me find out what's wrong. You're welcome to join us if you want." James shook his head and exchanged a look with Kara, sighing.

"I think we'll pass," said Kara. Alex shrugged, still not looking away from the screen. They left the room.

She finished watching the tape a second time, and just as she began the third time, Winn entered the room.

"Hey," he said, a slight smile on his face. He noticed her weary gaze. "Still nothing?"

She nodded. "Come, maybe you'll see something." She handed him the notes she made and they began to watch the tape again, searching, examining.

"What’s that?" Winn stopped and reached for the screen, pointing at a stain. Alex reached out her hand as well, enlarging the image on the screen. The image grows while the stain remains the same size. They both groaned in disappointment and Alex went to fetch a cloth to clean the screen.

"I don’t understand," Alex said three hours later. "There must be something we missed." Winn looked at the notes, humming to himself. She looked at him, thinking.

"Do you think she's telling the truth?"

He looked up confusedly. "Huh?"

"Maggie, do you think she's telling the truth? Or is Claire right and she's just exaggerating?"

Winn opened his mouth and closed it, shrugging. "Well, um, I... I think that... these are symptoms that, you know, you should never be mindful of these things..." His voice trailed off and he quickly returned to the notes.

"Is that why you're helping me?"

"I'm helping you because I work for you," he said, not raising his head.

"Olsen and Zoral too, and neither of them is here with us,”

He paused, then looked at Alex, right in the eyes. "Look," he put down his pen. "I think this woman has symptoms that can be caused by stress or infection or anything else that doesn’t require serious attention. It could be that she just have to take a few days off and take more vitamins and antibiotics. But I also think," he hesitated. "That you always have to consider all the possibilities. And if there’s even a five percent chance that this woman is sick, we have to check for what it is." he paused again. "I've seen worse things."

He returned to his notes before he could look at Alex's reaction, who raised her eyebrows slightly, surprised. Winn never talked to her about what happened to her five years ago. She didn’t know how much it had affected him. She began to say something but he interrupted her, pointing to one of the notes Alex wrote.

"You wrote here, 'unclear movement, peristalsis?’ what’s that? I don’t remember we checked that."

"Let me see," she looked at the notes. "You're right. Let's have a look."

They rewind to right moment, increasing the display and slowing the rate. "There must be something here," he muttered quietly. They watched the passage in silence, rewinding again and again, until Winn jumped out of his chair.

"Here, what’s that?" He called. He rewind once more and they watched it again.

A slight tremor, almost imperceptible, appeared in the muscle fiber. It was gone, and a few seconds later, it came back again, and disappeared. Alex gaped at Winn.

"I can’t believe it," she whispered. "Tremors in the muscle fiber." She looked at Winn, who was smiling triumphantly.

"Abdominal epilepsy," He said. “It's a neurological problem.”

They found it. Winn raised his hand in the air to Alex and they high fived, calling out silent triumphs.

"Don't you dare tell anyone we high fived.”

"Of course, Doctor."

***

James walked into the room, waving a stack of papers.

"How did it go?"

"I saw a very small, diffuse abnormality in the brain waves. Probably white matter." He put the papers on the table where Winn took them and began to leaf through the results of James's neurological examination.

"Meaning, her axonal nerves are dying," said Winn. James nodded. "This explains the neurogenic bladder." James sat down. "With enough dead nerves, she’ll die."

Alex turned to the board, scribbling and erasing symptoms and possibilities.

"Global axonal nerves," she announced, looking at all three. "Common causes?"

"Encephalitis and Alzheimer's," Kara said, shaking her head seriously.

Alex nodded and closed the marker in her hand, nodding at them. "Check her blood for Alzheimer's protein markers-"

"Wait, Alzheimer's has a genetic component," Winn said, turning to Kara. "What about a family, parents?"

Kara glanced at the file. "Both parents died in a car accident. There’s no past of dementia or Alzheimer's." She looked at Alex, waiting for further instructions. Alex thought for a moment.

"Send cerebrospinal fluid for complete blood count and viral serologies to rule out encephalitis, and get tau proteins to check for Alzheimer's," Alex concluded, and the three of them got up to get to work.

"Zorel," she called after Kara, who turned around. "Not you," she said. "I need you to go and find out more medical history."

Kara looked, confused, at the medical file. "We already have medical history."

"We need more, mostly from recently. Habits that changed, nutrition, activity, whatever you can get," Alex turned to her office as she spoke, halfway out.

"Wait, but-"

"Oh, and, uh, talk to Maggie, not to Claire. Maggie will give you the information you need."

Before Kara could protest again, Alex disappeared into the office.

***

"Danvers?"

Alex lifted her head, finding J’onn standing in the doorway of her office. "May I come in?"

"Doctor J’onzz," she put down her pen.

"You have a minute for me?"

"Sure, what's going on?"

He hesitated for a moment, then came in, sitting down opposite her. "I wanted... I wanted to make a few things clear. It's about Claire Warner. Or rather... about Maggie." He stopped. She studied him with a puzzled look.

"What about her?"

"Well, you know... you two have, uh, history, of course, and I wouldn’t want to interfere in the relationship that’s going on now, or was going on, between the two of you, I mean, you, you’re Claire's doctor, and with her condition... and I thought, I mean, if it’s necessary, in your opinion, if you want to move Claire to another diagnostic department, there's a good one in-"

"Why?"

J’onn looked surprised. "Why?"

"Yes, why do you think Claire should go to another diagnostic department when she has us, the best diagnostic department in the whole area and also the closest one to Maggie and Claire?"

J’onn pressed his palms together. "I don’t want you to think for a moment that I underestimate the diagnostic skills of this department, Danvers, I just think that... the history between you and Maggie can be a bit... tense." He hesitated again, examining Alex's reaction. "Don’t you agree?"

"Dr. J’onzz, Maggie and I are adults. We’ve progressed and moved on with our lives, and we are fully capable of cooperating to get Mrs. Werner better, and I suggest that you leave the treatment to me, without questioning my professional abilities. They won't be affected by anything, you can be sure of that."

Alex's words were concise, formal, and she felt the discussion was over, but J’onn remained seated in his chair, looking into her eyes.

"Are you sure? because I can make a few calls-"

"This case has anything to do with Maggie!" Alex snapped, hitting the table with her hand. "When do you people are gonna understand this? She means nothing to me! Nothing!”

Before J’onn could react, the door behind him made a creaking sound. Alex lifted her head and found, horrifyingly, Maggie standing there, her hand a few inches from the slightly open door, her fist clenched to knock.

Alex turned pale, and Maggie looked at them both for a moment, shocked. No one said a word for a few seconds, then Maggie turned quickly, walking away.

"Maggie-" Alex managed to mutter, but Maggie was already out of there, her footsteps hurrying down the hallway.

J’onn and Alex exchanged a glance, Alex pinching the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes. She didn’t even try to run after her, knowing her pace wouldn’t be fast enough to reach her.

"I'm sorry, Danvers." Said J’onn, sincerity in his voice. She heard him rise from his chair, stands up, walking away.

She opened her eyes, finds him pausing by the door. He turned to her, a merciful look on his face.

"I think you should talk to her," he said quietly. She shook her head.

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Alex-"

"Please, J’onn, just... don’t. I don’t need it."

He was about to say another thing, but he gave up and left, closing the door behind him.

***

"Hold Still," murmured Winn, inserting the needle into the back of Claire's neck. Claire clenched her jaw while she held Maggie's hand, who sat beside her, her eyes worried.

"It'll take only a moment," he said, and Maggie squeezed Claire's hand in encouragement. A few minutes later he finished, and ordered her to lie back on her back, and not to move in the next hour. Claire took a deep breath, Maggie still holding her hand. Winn got up, took off his gloves, and let the nurse fix the metal tray and the spinal fluid he had got out, to bring to the lab. He nodded at the two of them. "You should rest now," he nodded at them. "Both of you."

Maggie nodded gratefully. "Thanks, Winn," she said with a faint smile. He smiled back and left the room.

"So what did you find in the neurological examination?"

He turned. Maggie stood behind him, apparently stepping out of the room after while he did notice. He glanced toward the room where Claire was lying in bed, her eyes open, tired. He looked back at Maggie, a serious look on her face. "Winn?"

"Yeah, I don’t... You better talk about it with Alex."

"I'd rather talk about it with you."

He sighed. "We're looking at several possibilities. I'm just doing what I'm told.”

"That's not true, and you know that, and more than that, you know I know that, so I don’t understand why you're insisting on avoiding me about it." He tried to ignore her gaze as she tried to catch his. "What have you found? You're starting to worry me, Winn."

"It's nothing, it's really... We're just checking, nothing's sure yet. Please, Maggie, you'd better talk about it to Alex, she’s Claire's doctor."

"So are you."

He sighed again. Maggie folded her arms, standing in front of him with a sealed look, waiting for him to speak. He wondered for a moment why she was so insistent not to talk to Alex, if anything had happened between them, if... He quickly cleared these thoughts from his mind. It shouldn’t worry him. He doesn’t need to interfere with matters that aren’t his. He bit his lip, looking around.

"We... it could be Encephalitis, or Alzheimer's." Maggie's eyebrow rose and he hurried on, "But we don’t know anything yet, maybe it's none of these, we might be wrong.”

"Alex's never wrong."

So why did you think she was wrong when you cut off half of her muscle? He wanted to say, and stopped his tongue quickly. He studied her for a moment. She looked more worried than before, but still tough and serious.

"As I said, you should go to her if you want more information, but that's what we have in the meantime."

She studied him for a moment, then nodded. "Thanks, Winn."

He was silent, giving her back a little nod as she walked away.

***

"Her cerebrospinal fluid is clean. It's not encephalitis."

Alex looked up as the three of them entered her office. James sat down and put the test results on her desk, and she took them while he went on talking.

"No red cells, no white cells, serology’s negative."

"So we’re back to Alzheimer's," Alex murmured, still looking at the tests results.

"The marker tests come out negative as well," Kara said from the corner of the room.

"It still doesn’t mean she doesn’t have it." Alex lifted her head, put down the papers. "PET scan will reveal any changing metabolic activity in the cerebral cortex." She nodded at James. "Run a test. And check her memory.”

James nodded, leaving the room, and Kara went out with him. Winn sat down, a little hesitant, in the chair opposite Alex. Alex glanced at him inquiringly over the papers on her desk.

"I wanted... well, I know it's none of my business, but I, uh, I was just wondering if... if everything’s okay between you and Maggie."

It seems to be a quite popular question lately, isn't it?

Alex sighed a low, almost imperceptible sigh, and put on her glasses, turning back to the papers in front of her. "Everything is fine between me and Maggie."

"Are you sure? Because I-"

Alex stared at him and he stopped. "I’m sorry," he murmured, and hurried to get up. A trace of remorse spread across Alex's face.

"Schott,"

He turned quickly.

"You're alright. It’s gonna be fine. I just... don't worry about it, okay? Everything is fine.”

The corner of his mouth lifted slightly and he nodded to her, then went out.

She liked Winn. More than her other employees, she must admit. He was always ready to take the extra step to discover things, he was brilliant and pleasant, but... their relationship was built in a way that she couldn’t tell him what she felt. Not towards Maggie, or Claire, or even towards him. They always talked about work.

She wasn’t sure if there was anyone she could talk to about what she was feeling.

She wasn’t sure if she should even talk about it at all.

***

The light breeze on the roof's building stirred Alex's hair, and she took a deep breath, trying to relax her muscles. It was almost like meditation. She definitely needs some tranquilization right now. She sat on one of the stone balustrades that were there, her legs swaying in the air. It was a funny, almost childlike behavior, and she remembered how Maggie used to tease her when she did it, how she didn’t care. She used to feel liberated when she did it, lighter. She used to come here to think, and often it helped.

The door to the roof opened behind her and she turned to look. Maggie stood there, still holding the door handle, biting her lips, looking straight at Alex.

They exchanged a long, silent look until Maggie came out, closing the door. Alex turned her head back to the landscape, feeling and hearing Maggie climb on the stone balustrade and sit just like her, a few inches beside her. She could almost feel her body warmth radiant, warming her too.

"I thought you'd be here. I went through your office and you weren’t there but Winn said you hadn’t gone home yet, so I thought..."

"Yeah."

"You always come here."

"I haven’t been here for five years."

Maggie was silent, and the silence roared in Alex's ears, deafening her. It was true. She really hadn’t been here for five years. More, probably. But she used to come up here a lot. Maggie would sometimes pass through the hospital, looking for her everywhere until she reached the roof, where Alex sat, watching the view. Sometimes they would sit and talk, sometimes Maggie brought food, sometimes they just sat there, cuddling, and watched the sunset from the rooftop. Sometimes Alex came up to solve a complicated case and Maggie simply stayed as a company, trying to help, even though she had no knowledge in medicine.

Alex remembered, heart-pinched, at one of the days on the roof, just her and Maggie, how they talked about nothing for hours. The feeling in her stomach now was as heavy as cement.

*  
*  
*

"What about Rio de Janeiro?" Said Maggie in a funny accent, and Alex rolled her eyes.

"If you stop talking with that bad accent, I'll consider it." Maggie threw popcorn at her and Alex tried to catch it in her mouth, unsuccessfully. Maggie laughed, and Alex smiled at her.

They had been girlfriends for two years now, and Alex felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Maggie came to visit her in the middle of the day and bought peanuts, popcorn and a few bottles of beer, and since Alex shouldn’t have been caught drinking on the job, they went up to the roof. Alex had just finished her second doctorate and was transferred to a new, more senior position, and recently she was freer to do as she pleased.

"Okay, but listen to it - Paris." Maggie spoke again in an even funnier accent, different this time, and it was Alex who threw a peanut at her, missing Maggie's forehead for at least ten inches. Maggie stuck out her tongue at her.

"What? Paris is the best city in the world! I wish I could go there." She took a sip from her beer bottle.

"Maybe we'll go one day."

"Yeah?"

"Yes, I'll take you."

Maggie smirked, starting to move slowly toward Alex. They were sitting very close, and Maggie just dragged herself with her legs, clinging to Alex's side. The act was awkward, but nothing was awkward about Maggie at this moment. Sexy, maybe. Beautiful. "You’ll take me to Paris?"

Alex put her hand gently to hold Maggie's waist, bringing her lips to Maggie's face. "I'll take you to Paris." She murmured with a smile against her cheek, Maggie humming with delight under her touch.

*  
*  
*

Alex woke herself quickly, biting her cheek.

They never got to Paris.

Now they just sat there in silence, that became less and less thunderous. Sitting close, but still so far away.

"Alzheimer's?"

"No. James did more tests today, her brain is functioning properly. We didn’t find any problems."

She heard Maggie sigh beside her.

"You didn’t come here to talk about Claire, Did you?"

"I did." She felt Maggie look at her and didn’t dare look back. She shrugged, and Maggie sighed again, louder, as if something was standing in her way and she tried to get around it.

"Okay, I didn’t."

Alex's heart went up to her throat. She wasn't sure she'll be able to handle it, whatever it is.

They didn’t talk about anything. From the moment Maggie stormed back to her life two or three weeks ago, they hadn’t discussed their relationship once. Alex wondered for a moment if the right person to talk to about what she felt about Maggie was actually... Maggie.

"Are you still angry at me?"

Alex was silent for a moment.

"Yes."

Maggie studied her hands. "That's good to know."

"Though it's less than it was before. Less... intense."

There was silence again, both staring at the dimming afternoon light. Alex suddenly discovered that she wasn’t sure what she wanted to say. What she wants to hear. She's still angry at Maggie, but every moment she continues to sit next to her, something in her... softened.

"I mean, I heard what you said and I-"

"I'm sorry you heard that. I didn’t want you to hear, I didn't even mean to say it, it just..."

"Came out."

"Yeah."

Maggie lifted herself up a little, flipping herself in her seat and sat back with her legs on the opposite side, her back to the landscape. Alex remembered Maggie was a bit afraid of heights, and smiled a small smile, turning her head so Maggie wouldn’t see.

"Look, Alex," the words came out hesitantly, and yet they came out pressed, and she uttered every word carefully. "I'm so sorry. For… for everything that happened. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just wanted... I just wanted to save you.” Her voice choked with the last two words.

Alex stared at her own thigh, wondering at the space she had left there. At the space she had left in her heart. She ran her hand back and forth on her leg, clenching her teeth as the pain began to throb again.

"And I know that... I know it's not a picnic for you to see me and Claire and to take care of Claire, and... to be in that state, I know you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. But... but for what we were, for who we used to be, I need you to save her. " Her voice cracked. "Please, Alex."

Alex looked at her now, swallowing. There were tears in Maggie's eyes.

She wanted to hate her. For what she did, For who she made her be. But she found herself unable to tell her no, no matter what the price it charged her. She couldn’t hate her, and even the anger seemed to begin to be replaced by mercy, tenderness, forgiveness.

She loves you. Lucy's voice echoed in her ear. She still loves you, so she can’t be near you. She can’t afford it.

Alex looked at Maggie, holding out a hesitant hand to take hers, to comfort her. Maggie caught it like a lifeline, crossing their fingers without hesitation. She looked just like a person who can’t afford what they’re doing, yet still does it.

A flickering sign in Claire's image appeared before Alex's eyes on the sight of their intertwined fingers, and she closed her eyes. You can’t, it’s forbidden. You’re not allowed.

"Do you forgive me?"

Alex opened her eyes. It was almost dark now, and Maggie's eyes glistened with tears. She didn’t know whether she was crying for Claire or for Alex.

Alex couldn’t speak, and only nodded weakly.

Of course she forgives her. At this moment, when she’s looking at her like this, there’s nothing she won’t do for her.

Maggie smiled, rolling her eyes. "I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby..."

"No, hey, it's alright," Alex quickly reached out, instinctively, wiping Maggie's cheek. They remained frozen for a moment, unable to move, only Alex's hand still resting on Maggie's cheeks, their fingers still crossed. Their faces were suddenly one or two inches away, without Alex noticing.

She can’t, but what she wouldn’t give to kiss her right now.

They stayed like that for a while, Alex didn’t know how long, but Maggie finally got off the balustrade, leaving her alone on the roof, as if she had never been there.


	3. Chapter two B

"Alex? Alex!"

Alex opened her eyes at once. Maggie leaned over her, a soft dimpled smile on her face.

"Good Morning."

Alex snuggled into her pillow, closing back her eyes. "What's the time?"

"Five AM."

Alex jerked up, opening her eyes again in alarm. "Really?"

"No, I’m kidding," Maggie laughed. "It’s about nine."

Alex turned to the other side, feeling Maggie's hand sliding down her body. "It’s Saturday. Why are you doing this to me," she murmured into the pillow, sighing. Maggie giggled, clinging to her even tighter.

"Guess who's birthday it is today," she whispered into Alex's neck.

Alex opened her eyes again, slowly this time, for the third time since she woke up a minute ago. It's getting tiring.

Of course, how could she forget.

"Mine?"

"Yours!" Maggie cheered. "Happy Birthday, baby!" she started to drown kisses along the back of Alex's neck and her shoulder, reaching to her collar bone in a moment, turning her on her back with a smirk.

She settled herself on Alex's stomach, bending down to kiss her, her hair becomes a waterfall covering them both from all sides. Alex could smell Maggie's scent from up close as her hair shielded them from the outside, the scent she has right after she wakes up. She used to think it's a bad smell, like everyone has after a night sleep, but something about it lately started to feel comforting, cozy, and as she distractedly thought about it, she decided she wouldn't give it up for the world.

"I hope you didn’t plan anything but to stay in this bed all day," Alex murmured between kisses. Maggie kept on smirking.

"There's no place I'd rather be," Maggie said as she straightened up and took off her shirt, leaning back towards the laughing Alex.

*  
*  
*

"Alex? Alex!"

Alex opened her eyes at once. Lucy stood in the doorway of her office. "Earth to Alex!"

"Yeah, hey," she straightened up in her chair. "What's up?"

"Lunch?"

Alex looked around. She could use some food right now, and in any case her work pressure had dropped recently. She could take a few minutes for herself. She got up and went out with Lucy to the cafeteria.

"So how's that patient of yours?" Alex asked as they sat.

"Which one? The cancer patient or cancer patient?"

Alex rolled her eyes and Lucy laughed, popping a grape inside her mouth. Lucy was an oncologist, and she never got tired of this joke.

"Bone cancer. Blond hair, tall..."

"Oh, Nicholas, yeah, I remember." She put another grape in her mouth, chewed it vigorously, ignoring Alex's gaze.

"Well, what about him?"

"He died. Three days ago."

"Oh."

"Yes, I'm sorry, I know you helped with this case, and what happened with his shoulder, and-"

"Don’t be sorry, it's not your fault."

They sat in silence for a few moments, the cafeteria buzzing around them.

"So how’s it going with Claire Warner?"

"You mean how’s it going with Maggie?"

The angle of Lucy's mouth rose. "Yeah, that too."

"Claire is stable, for now. There's still no progress. At least we know it's not alzheimer's or encephalitis, so that's good. But there's no change."

"And Maggie?"

Alex looked up at Lucy, who shrugged. Alex took the box of pills from her pocket, sliding two pills down her throat.

"She’s okay."

"Did you two talk?"

"What’s there to talk about?"

"She appears out of nowhere five years after she took you half a muscle without your permission and left you-"

"I left her."

"-now with her new sick wife, and expects you to cure her-"

"She asked, and I agreed."

"And you think you have nothing to talk about?"

"We've been over this, Lane, there's nothing to talk about. I treat Claire, they're both out of here forever, and I'll never see her again."

Lucy studied her.

The truth was that Alex wanted to talk to Maggie. About what this reunion means for them, about how she feels, how they should behave around each other, what she needs to expect. She just didn’t know how to approach the subject. Especially after that moment they shared on the roof two days ago, and how since then Maggie can’t seem to look her in the eye, and Alex keeps wondering what the hell all of this means. She wet her lips, chewing on it nervously.

"I mean, what do you want me to tell her? Hey, you broke me and made me leave you five years ago and since then I'm not the same, want to have a cup of coffee and solve all our problems?"

"No, but something like a closure can be nice, for both of you."

Alex turned her fork between her fingers, staring at it thoughtfully. "I don’t need a closure."

"It's not about what you need to do, it's about what you have to do."

Alex was silent.

"You still have feelings for her."

Alex rolled her eyes. It would be nice if everyone will stop making assumptions about her.

"I don’t."

"You do, that's why you took the case."

"Have you considered that I may be a doctor, and I can heal this woman, so I do, and there’s nothing else behind that choice?"

Lucy snickered, taking another grape from the bowl. "Oh, give me a break, Danvers, this woman broke you to pieces, and you still help her. You hope to save her woman so she'll leave her for you, to be the knight in shining armor."

Alex glared at her, her fists tighten and loosen. Her leg is starting to sting.

"This is not true."

Lucy sighed, shrugging. "Just don’t try anything stupid."

Before Alex could respond, Kara appeared behind Lucy, panting.

"Danvers, there’s - there’s a new symptom."

Alex stood up quickly, grabbing her cane. "What is it?"

"Paralysis. In the toes and hands."

Alex stole a glance at Lucy, who nodded at her. "Go," she said, and Alex began to follow Kara, hoping they wouldn’t be too late.

***

Winn came in, a pile of papers in his hands. "There you go," he handed them to Alex. Alex put on her glasses, examining the papers.

"What’s that?" James asked from the corner of the room.

"I did an indirect coombs' test. No agglutination, no antibodies."

"So it's not Guillain-Barrh syndrome." Murmured Kara, taking the pages from Alex and looking at them. Alex lowered her glasses and turned to the board, adding the new symptoms.

“Her symptoms mimic a peripheral nervous system under attack. She's experiencing significant paresthesias.”

There was silence as everyone looked at the board.

"What if..." Alex murmured. "What if she has the virus, but her body doesn’t produce the antibodies?"

"The odds are slim," James said.

"But what if it is?" Alex turned to them.

"So that means she's sick, and the body does nothing about it."

Alex looked at Kara, who shook her head. "So either we fight it for her, or it's deadly."

"Deadly sounds bad." Alex said slowly, turning back to the board, placing her cane on her shoulder.

"Either way, we can’t test without the antibodies. We don’t know if we’re right," Winn said. James muttered something in agreement, and Alex began to walk back and forth across the room.

"The treatment is not so dangerous. We filter the blood and inject antibodies into the vein. If it works, we're right."

"And if she’s dead, it was something else." Said James, folding his arms.

Kara sighed, shaking her head, and Alex sat down in her chair. "Dismissed." She said, and they left the room.

She wondered about the consequences of what she was about to do.

***

The little ball returned to Alex's hand lightly and she threw it again on the wall. She didn’t look at it as it kept coming to her hand. Her eyes were focused on the opposite wall, and she kept repeating Claire's symptoms over and over again in her head, trying to find a gap in the messy confusion that attacked her patient.

It did her good, even if for a few hours. She didn’t have to think about Maggie, or her leg, or anything that made her confused or angry. It was just her, on the floor, with her cane leaning against the wall next to her, and the ball that came back to her every time, thrown and jumps over and over. And, of course, medicine.

Alex loved being a doctor. She loved the happy faces of the patients she saved, she loved the logic of the human body. She loved to solve complex cases, to find refuted conclusions, to crack unbelievable mysteries. She loved to fix broken things. What she didn’t love is the fact that sometimes, like now, she had no idea what to do, and she felt worthless. She felt close to failure.

Alex didn’t love to fail. It happened to her several times before, and she found the feeling very bitter. She's close to failure now, and she knew she has to find a way out of it.

The ball jumped suddenly to a wall corner, then jumped and rolled away. Alex sighed. She was sitting in an abandoned hallway in one of the stairwells, and the ball began to roll quickly toward one of the descending staircases, and in a moment it would jump all the way down. Alex hated to get up if she had no choice; her leg always got a stab of protesting pain when she did so. She almost got up when a hand appeared at the top of the staircase that was hidden from Alex's eyes and caught the ball, followed by a head and a body, entering the hallway.

Maggie sprang the ball carefully back to Alex's side, and she caught it without a problem.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"Wouldn’t want you to get up."

Alex bounced it again, too carefully, while Maggie sat down against the wall opposite her. "No, you wouldn’t." She said, a bitter smile on her face.

"What are you doing here?"

Alex scratched her nose. "I needed a quiet place to think."

"Think about what?" Maggie's voice was low, hesitated. It sounded like she was afraid of Alex's answer, as if it would hurt her to know. Alex had the feeling Maggie knew what Alex was trying to concentrate on, but still wanted to hear it from her. Alex wasn’t going to say she was thinking about her. Either way, it wasn’t true, she thought about Claire. More correctly, Claire's symptoms. But when she opened her mouth to answer, she found that unlike what she had thought, Maggie hadn’t left her thoughts all this time. She was always there, whether she'd like it or not, as if she was sitting in the corner of her mind, reading a book or solving a crossword puzzle, waiting for Alex to notice her. Alex opened and closed her mouth.

"About the case. I need to solve it." She said finally. Maggie nodded, lowering her head.

"You have no idea what’s the problem." It wasn’t a question, more like stating a fact, and even though her chin trembled only for a fraction of a second, Maggie said it gravely, as if discussing a case file that needed her consulting. Alex bounced the ball on the wall several more times, not looking at Maggie until it came back to her, and she squeezed it with her hand.

"I'm sorry." She murmured. She really was sorry. With everything Maggie had done to her, and all the bad thoughts Alex thought of her, everything that had happened between the two, Maggie didn’t deserve to suffer. She raised her head, finding Maggie close-eyed, the back of her head against the wall.

"It's not your fault." She said, and that moment back then, a second before the anesthetic had completely obscured Alex, their last moment together, surfaced when they said these words.

"You remember that time," Maggie suddenly said, "That we went to a karaoke night in that bar on Bleecker Street, you know, before they renovated?" A slight smile came over her face as she spoke, watching the ball continue to bounce from Alex to the wall and back. "There were a few guys who sang some old Paul Anka in acapella, and the girl who tried to do Britney, and-"

"And I drank so much that I almost threw up an alley and you had to carry me home in a cab?"

One bounce, too strong, made the ball slip out of Alex's hands again and Maggie hurried to grab it. She threw it back at Alex.

"I think I remember."

"You know, it wasn’t the great evening of our lives, but I remembered it a while ago and it made me smile. You were so drunk..." Maggie let out a laugh and shook her head. "You tried to go up and sing the Piano Man but you got confused in half of the words, even though I knew you knew that song, you were so..." Her words faded away and Alex stopped bouncing the ball, looking at her. Maggie sighed.

"I'm sorry, it's not-"

"I remember. I was drunk, but I remember." A faint smile suddenly came to her face. "It really was a terrible evening, wasn't It?"

"The worst," Maggie agreed, and they smiled, but not at each other but each to herself, afraid to share a smile, as though what they have shared so far was more than enough. The memory of the evening came to her mind, and even though it was a terrible evening, it made her remember fondly of what she had with Maggie, the thing that made her bones burn and her skin melt when she was with her, before everything came and took their lives by storm.

"We had something, Alex. It was good."

Alex pinched the bridge of her nose. "But we couldn’t... I couldn’t-"

"I know. I don’t resent you." She paused for a moment. "I'm happy now, Alex. Claire, she’s... she's great. I love her."

Alex wondered if the next sentence would be 'But she's not you'. She hoped it would be, and she hated herself a little for it.

"I hope you’ll find someone who will do you as good as she does to me." She sighed. "I'm not saying it's perfect. We have our downfalls. Lately, because of that... whatever it is, she wasn't herself, and it made me wonder what is that thing I miss so much and, well, how do I bring it back to me." She looked up, her cheeks redden.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blabber. I just hope you'll find happiness. That's all I ever wanted for you."

Alex squeezed the ball in her hand, not looking at Maggie. If this is what’s called closure, she doesn’t like it.

"Alex, please say something."

Alex rubbed her thigh, clenching her jaw. She looked up at Maggie, a wondering, an almost pleading look in her eyes.

"Would you give up your leg to save me?"

Alex didn’t blink. "In a second."

Deep inside, Alex now knew she would give up her leg in a second to save Maggie, even now, even after all these years. Even after she lost her chance with her, when she's another woman's wife.

"I'm glad you're happy, I really am."

Maggie smiled a little wider, her dimples popping.

"And I promise I'll do anything to save Claire."

Maggie bit her lip, nodding. "Thank you. I know that despite everything, it's not easy for you."

They continued to sit in silence while Alex bounced the ball against the wall, making rhythmic sounds in the empty, quiet hallway.

***

Claire lay on her bed in a slightly stiff position, staring at the ceiling. Alex looked at her through the glass door for a few seconds before she went inside. Claire managed to move her head to see Alex, staying silent as Alex closed the door behind her and walked slowly toward her, pulling herself a chair.

"If you're looking for Maggie, she got back home to get some things," Claire said quietly.

"No, actually, I came to talk to you."

Claire glanced at her again. "Really?"

"Why does that surprise you?"

"You haven’t exchanged more than a few words with me since I admitted."

Alex was silent. It was true. All the while she was there, Alex hardly approached Claire, afraid of something she couldn’t name. Claire's voice was sharp, leaving no room for doubt, and Alex almost wondered if not talking to Claire made her a bad doctor, and if so, perhaps that was why she hadn’t been able to cure her until now.

"How do you get along?"

Claire nodded. "I'm fine. As far as one can be when they're paralyzed."

Alex tapped her cane on the floor. "I assure you that we’re making every effort to make sure we heal you as quickly as possible."

Claire smiled faintly. "Thank you, Dr. Danvers."

They were silent for a few moments, Claire trapped in her bed, and Alex sitting beside her, passing her cane from hand to hand. She didn’t want to talk about Maggie, but it seemed to be the only topic they had in common.

"And how... how’s Maggie?"

Claire raised an eyebrow, stretching her lips.

"I thought you guys talked."

Alex opened her mouth slightly, surprised. "Yes," she said finally. "But, you know, she's worried for you mostly, not really for herself..."

"She says she's okay. I mean, she wouldn’t tell me if she doesn’t feel good." Claire paused, looking away at the window. "If she’s gonna tell someone she doesn’t feel good it'll probably be you," she added, reflectively.

Alex was silent, Claire's words still hanging in the air, between the two.

"How did you two meet?"

Alex didn’t plan to say it out loud, but Claire didn’t seem surprised or troubled.

"At a cafe. I spilled coffee on her and asked for her number."

"Classic."

Claire chuckled. "You could say."

Alex leaned her chin on her cane. "And who..."

"Proposed? I did. Although she knew I was going to, so it wasn’t too much of a surprise." Claire smiled a little. "We got married within two months, a honeymoon in Paris, and the rest is history."

"In Paris?" Alex raised her head.

"Yes, those were wonderful two weeks. Walking around in the city, learning French... she was so happy, I-" She stopped suddenly, looking at Alex. "Are you sure you want to hear that?"

Alex inhaled, then shook her head. "Yeah, no, I... I'm fine."

Claire moistened her lips, taking a deep breath. "Anyway, it was great. Maggie is... great. Really great."

Alex thought she heard a trace of trembling in her voice. Or maybe she just imagined. They were silent for a few more awkward moments, and just as she began to think that maybe she should leave, Claire spoke again.

"As Maggie's ex, and one who had… medical issues in the past, were you ever worried she might leave you? I mean, before you got... uh..." She closed her eyes in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure about your side on the story. I'm just... a bit scared. About her. I mean, we need to talk, but we never get the chance."

Claire's voice was sincere, direct, and she looked straight at Alex, who frowned.

"Do you feel that she's-"

“She’s slipping away. She thinks I'm sleeping and leaves the room, and then comes back after hours, pretending she got out just now, or she’s going out and says she's coming back in a minute and instead she's gone, and... she's not talking to me anymore like she used to be and I’m starting to feel like this... paralysis, deters her." Her voice broke a little at the end and she closed her eyes again.

Alex tried to remind herself that Claire was in a paranoid state, she was moody, and that she should take her words with limited discretion. Still, she deserved the support, and with how uncomfortable Alex felt, she knew she should give it to her.

Alex reached out a tentative hand, placing it on Claire's shoulder.

"I'm sure she's just in a difficult situation. You guys are going through a hard time, she has to digest everything. The paralysis can only be temporary, we’re working on finding the solution, and everything will be alright. Maggie will come back to you.” The words came out of her as if they weren’t hers, and she wondered why she was doing all this. What she earns. Or maybe what she loses.

Maybe she does it because she knows what Claire’s going through. This feeling, that your beloved, who should be on your side now more than ever, is walking away from you. Doing the opposite of what she should do. Alex knew Maggie used to love her, and that she loves Claire now, and she knew Maggie didn’t always knew how to express what she felt. Alex knew that sometimes, Maggie could do the wrong thing.

"You left her, right?"

Alex nodded. "But that doesn’t mean she didn’t love me, I just... after what she did..." Alex swallowed. "I just couldn’t..."

"Yes, she told me. Not everything, but... she told me that."

Alex nodded, still staring at the floor.

"I get you."

A faint smile came over her face and she lifted her head, finding a smile on Claire's face as well.

"Oh, Maggie," Claire chuckled, and Alex followed.

"Yes, she could be..." Alex said, trying to think of a proper description.

"I know what you mean," Claire said, and a brief look in her eyes told her that she did. Something between striking, captivating, in a way that’s hard to ignore, and sometimes protective, so much that you have nothing left to do but follow what she says, without knowing why. The way she makes you love her to death, and doesn’t know how to express her own love.

Alex chuckled again, to herself, wondering for a few moments about her condition; Sitting next to her ex-girlfriend’s wife's hospital bed, and they both laugh together. Absurd, almost unreal, but still happening here before her.

Suddenly the door behind them opened, and Maggie came in, finding the two, unbelieving, giggling together.

"Is that some kind of a prank?" She said, raising an eyebrow in shock, putting her bag aside carefully. Claire and Alex exchanged a look, secret smiles.

"Oh, no, we were just chatting." Alex struggled up, leaning on her cane. Maggie gave a surprised smile and moved slowly past Claire's bed, kissing her forehead.

"Yes, I told Dr. Danvers about our honeymoon to Paris," Claire smirked, raising an eyebrow.

Alex laughed and nodded. "Oh, yeah," she tried to play the game. "All about your trip to Paris."

She didn’t enjoy it, but she felt she could get used to it. And almost as she was about to make another comment on the matter, she noticed Maggie's smile slowly fades.

"So you are joking," she looked from one to the other. Alex tried to understand what she meant.

"Well, she didn’t tell me all the details-"

"You told her we went on a honeymoon to Paris?"

Claire looked confused. "Yes, is that a problem?"

Again Maggie looked from Claire to Alex and back at Claire, her expression more anxious than ever.

"Alex," she said quietly. "I need to talk to you."

***

"So Let me get this straight." Winn turned around. "Claire thinks she and Maggie were on a honeymoon in Paris, but in fact they were never in Paris together? She’s making it all up? for what?"

"She didn’t make it up," Kara said. "She really thinks she went on a honeymoon to Paris."

"It's still called to make it u-"

"But it's not that she did it on purpose or any-"

"Okay, we got it, you two." James cut them, turning to Alex. "Did you examine her?"

"Affirmative. I've done another PET scan on Claire's brain with a series of questions from Maggie - her brain has no idea that this is not what really happened."

"So she hallucinates things."

Alex nodded, standing up. "Which leads us to the next symptom." She went over to the board and added the symptom to the list that was written there.

"Delusions."

The three of them looked at the board, concentrating, and Alex turned to face them, leaning on her cane, a solemn look on her face.

"Whatever it is that attacks Claire's body, it's dangerous, and we don’t know what its next step. So we're going to sit here now and figure out what it is, before it’ll be too late." She nodded toward each of them.

"Zorel, go through the tests we've done, and that has been done before us, see if there are any irregularities we didn’t see. Schott, go through all the medical history we have. Olsen, rule out things that we haven’t yet. Get to work.”

The three of them remained there for a long time, going through all the tests that have been done, all the information they had, over and over again. Speculating and ruling out, writing and erasing, searching and examining, but everything seemed to be a dead end. As if there was no solution, or way, or logical explanation for the situation. Alex sat at the head of the big table, bouncing her ball, her gaze fixed on the ceiling.

"Brain cancer?"

"Doesn’t explain abdominal pain,"

"It is if you look at the nerve damage-"

"What about other types of cancer?"

"You mean metastasis?"

"There are no signs of metastases, and besides, we scanned her brain."

"Trauma? Stroke?"

"Not explaining the hallucinations."

"What about metal poisoning or something like-"

"Not likely."

"Environmental factors - no, actually, it would have improved by now."

"What are we missing?"

Winn closed his eyes, rubbing them, and James sighed, leaning on the board. Alex kept looking up at the ceiling, her brain feverish with thoughts.

"Acute intermittent porphyria."

The three turned to her, surprised. "What did you say?" Murmured Kara. Alex straightened up, looking at them.

"Acute intermittent porphyria, that's it!" She walked quickly to the board, limping without her cane. "All symptoms are correct, the responses are right, everything fits!" She turned to them, almost too excited.

"But... AIP has other symptoms," Winn muttered in confusion.

"Such as?"

"Light sensitivity?"

Alex turned to the board, then back to them, turning to take the notes Kara had filled about Claire’s medical history. "She might have had it and we just missed it," she murmured as she leafed through for something to help her. They kept looking at her and at the board, and Kara pursed her forehead, trying to figure out what Alex was saying, until suddenly Alex broke into a triumphant call.

"Zorel, you took the medical history, right?" She didn’t wait for Kara's respond. "It says here that about two or three months ago, Claire changed her usual sports from riding a bike to yoga. Maggie said, and I quote, 'the sun is doing her bad' and she told Maggie that ‘maybe I'll go back to it in November’." Alex turned to the three, leaning on the table.

"How do you know she didn’t hallucinate that, too?"

Alex looked at Kara, who shook her head. "Danvers told me to ask Maggie. All this information came from what Maggie told me."

"Why?" James asked, wondering.

"Maggie was sure Claire was sick while Claire wasn’t sure. I had to make sure we were taking the information from a source that would give us what we needed, not a source that underestimates the importance of this. Maggie told us everything she saw, everything Claire did. This information is true.”

Alex looked back at James and Winn. "AIP is a disorder that causes all the problems we’ve found at Claire’s, but never appears in blood tests, urine tests, nothing. It attacks and disappears, and there’s no way to track it. That's why we had no idea it's that by the tests we did.”

"It sounds about right, but..."

"We should start her on hematin and glucose."

"If you give her the hematin and you're wrong, she dies today." Kara said, her voice cutting.

"We have to confirm that this is really it," said Winn.

"The only way to confirm AIP is a urine sample made during an attack," nodded James. "We have no way of knowing when the next attack will be."

"Sure there is," said Alex, grabbing her cane, leaving the room quickly. The three looked at each other, still confused.

"You coming?" Alex's voice sounded, and they hurried after her.

***

"Acute Intermittent Porphyria has some very specific triggers," said Alex, her cane hanging from her arm. Maggie sat on the bed beside Claire and her hand rested on her thigh, both listening to Alex's explanation. Kara, Winn, and James stood aside, listening too.

"Barbiturates, alcohol, and high levels of protein can cause an attack."

"Which trigger did that to Claire?" Maggie asked, her forehead constricted with worry.

Alex shook her head. "I have no idea."

"So what’s our move?" Claire asked.

Alex picked up a syringe. "Here I have an integrated dose of the three stimuli, we’ll inject it into your body, cause a seizure, and we’ll know for sure that it’s that."

"Wait, but-" Maggie looked at Claire and back to Alex. "If you give her the shot, it will make her worse, right?"

Alex took a deep breath. "Yes, but if we know what it is for sure we can treat it."

"What if I don’t have this thing, and you give me the shot anyway?" Claire bit her lip, thoughtful and anxious.

"I'm not sure. We don’t know what's messing with your brain, we don’t know how you're going to react. But I can assure you we're ready and prepared for anything that might happen." Alex looked at Maggie now, who looked more worried by the minute. She raised her hands, shaking her head.

"Okay, we need... We need a few minutes now, please."

Alex nodded, and the four of them left the room, leaving the couple alone. They stood by the reception desk near the room, looking through the glass door at Maggie, who put her hand gently on Claire's chest, talking to her in a calm voice, and at Claire, who looked a bit agitated, and shook her head again and again. Maggie nodded at her and bit her lips, rising to the exit.

Maggie closed the glass door behind her, turning to Alex and her crew. She raised her head to Alex, a disappointed look on her face. Alex suddenly noticed how tired her eyes were, how pale her skin was. She looked exhausted, sad, desperate.

"She doesn’t want the stimulus. She wants to wait and see if there’s another explanation, another solution."

Alex didn’t answer, just glanced at Claire, who was lying on the bed in her room, her head on the pillow, looking up at the ceiling. She looked back at Maggie, who folded her hands.

"If it's really AIP, how long does she have?"

James put his hands in his pockets. "We have no way of knowing. The next attack could be fatal."

"How long until the next attack?"

"It could be four hours from now, could two months from now." Kara said. Alex stared at the floor, leaving her crew to speak. She needs to think.

There was a silence, and Alex raised her head, realizing Maggie was looking at her.

"I want you to test her." She said quietly.

Alex nodded. "Okay. I'll send for an HMB synthase mutation. It's a genetic test. The lab results will be back in a month."

Maggie shook her head. "No, no, I want you to give her the shot."

Alex looked at her for a moment. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because she doesn’t want it."

Maggie looked around, pinching her nose. "Can I please speak to you, alone?"

Alex turned to look at the crew, and the three of them nodded and began walking down the hallway, far away.

"Alex, I'm not going to... report you or sue you."

"You know it’s not it. Besides, she can."

"If you won’t cure her, she won’t be able to do anything!"

Alex shook her head, walking away, and Maggie followed. "I won’t do it."

"Why not?"

"My answer hasn’t changed in the last twenty seconds."

Maggie gave her a peevish look and Alex shrugged. She reached the end of the hallway, sitting down on one of the armchairs. Maggie folded her hands again, looking at her nervously.

"That's her decision, Maggie."

Maggie sat next to her, her face scowling.

"You want her to die?"

"I've diagnosed her. I've done my job, now it's in her hands, she's the one who has to decide if she wants that shot, and not you, or anyone else can make that decision for her."

"She doesn’t understand, she doesn’t get it-"

"It doesn't matter. It's her decision, and I won’t do anything that is against my patient's request, no matter what it is."

"It will save her life!"

"But she doesn’t want it. She wants something else."

Maggie swallowed, covering her face with her hands. When she turned to look at her, Alex saw she was blinking back tears.

"She's going to die, Alex." She said in a choked voice. Alex held herself from reaching out and wrap her up, embrace her, afraid of the consequences. Instead, she just nodded.

"It could be, and it also could not, but it’s not in your hands."

"Alex, please, I beg you-"

"No."

Surprisingly, it turned out that Alex could say no to Maggie. And she didn’t even have to evade her gaze to do it. She thought of this new ability of hers, as she shook her head before Maggie's damp eyes. "I won’t do it," she said quietly.

"Alex-"

"Listen to me, Maggie. Listen very, very carefully. You have a chance to do it, and you have to do it right." Alex stared straight into Maggie's eyes. "Go to her now. Tell her everything, everything you feel, tell her that this shot-" She picked up the syringe, "Is her best chance to be saved. You have to convince her of it, you have to tell her. You need her to understand that this is her best option."

Maggie looked at her wide-eyed, her cheeks wet, trembling. "She won’t understand, she's scared."

"You're scared too." Alex gave her a soft, faint smile. "She'll understand if you tell her."

Maggie closed her eyes, burying her head in her hands again. Alex dared to put a hand on her shoulder, collecting a warm touch.

"That's the only way."

They stayed there for a few more minutes, Alex not sure who was leaving the other sitting, until finally Maggie got up, wiping her eyes.

"Alex," she said, standing in front of her. Alex raised her head. Maggie opened her mouth and closed it, shaking her head, then walked away toward Claire's room.

Alex watched her open the glass door, walk in with a smile, close it behind her.

She wondered if that’s what feels a warrior after the battle had subsided, while the smoke of the cannons scattered before his eyes.

***

"You did it." Lucy walks into Alex's office, set down on the chair across from her and lifted her feet on the table. Alex leaned back, taking off her glasses. She smiled amusedly at Lucy, folding her arms.

"Once again, you proved that you’re the best doctor in this hospital."

Alex rolled her eyes. "My team helped a lot, I couldn’t have done this without them."

Lucy smiled. "Either way, I'm glad. I knew you’d make it."

"Thanks, Luce."

Lucy took her feet off the table, raised her eyebrow to her.

"Zorel told me Warner didn’t want to take the shot."

"Maggie took care of that." Alex went back to her papers.

"You mean Maggie persuaded Claire to take it."

"That's exactly what I mean."

Lucy was silent for a moment, and only the sound of Alex's pen on the paper was heard.

"It's a bit like-"

"No, it's exactly like." Alex stooped abruptly and looked at her. "The difference is that I was there to prevent the disaster."

She still looked at Lucy while she sighed, putting down her pen. Lucy looked at her sympathetically.

"Look, I know what you're going to s-"

"I just think you two need to have a very, very long talk."

"I told you we already talked."

"That was before Claire was better. Now there's nothing on the way, and both of you have to understand what you're doing from here, otherwise..."

"Otherwise what?" Alex asked when Lucy stopped.

Lucy opened her mouth to go on, but there was a knock behind her and they both turned. Maggie stood there, her hands in the pockets, a faint smile on her lips.

"Sorry to interrupt, I'm just-"

"No, of course, come on in." Lucy stood up immediately, turning her seat. She smiled broadly.

"Dr. Lane, right? How are you?"

"Please, just Lucy." They shook hands. "I was glad to hear about your wife.”

"Oh, yeah, thank you,” Maggie nodded at her, glancing at Alex.

Lucy nodded at them both, leaving the room. "Goodbye, Danvers."

"See you tomorrow, Lane."

Maggie didn’t sit down, her hands still in the pockets of her skinny jeans. Alex stood up, leaning slowly on her cane, walking around the table.

"It's kind of a thing in hospitals, right? to call each other only by last names?”

"Only on TV shows. Even though they don’t accept you to medical school if you have a bad surname."

Maggie laughed at that, leaning back a little from the volume of laughter. Alex smiled at the sight.

There was silence, and Maggie gave another laugh, looking up at Alex.

"You told me that joke the day we met."

Alex's breath hitched against Maggie's soft eyes, against her crooked smile. She smiled back, breathing deeply, switching the subject.

"How is she?"

"She's resting now. Much better, thanks to you."

Alex shook her head. "You did most of the job."

Maggie closed her eyes. "No. You did everything." She raised her head, opening them. "You always do everything."

"I wish I would always do everything." Alex's voice came out in a whisper, and Maggie moved a little closer to her, almost imperceptibly. Alex could smell her perfume, go blind by it.

"Alex, there's, uh, there's something you need to know." Maggie swallowed, not taking her eyes off Alex's. "I haven’t… I haven’t got over you yet."

It was like a cannon shot straight into Alex's heart, smashing it apart, as if it hadn’t been glued and fragile beforehand. It beaten hard and fast, increasing its pace with each second Maggie moved closer.

It suddenly became clear to her that she knew it. That these words weren’t a surprise to her, that everything Maggie felt was clear to her from the very beginning. She vehemently denied it, tried to make herself believe otherwise, tried to understand it couldn’t happen, but Maggie was here now before her, and she verified it all.

"You were the one. You always were. Always will be.”

Alex wanted to close her eyes and open them to find that Maggie isn’t there in front of her, looking at her with those brown, deep eyes and these beautiful dimples. She wanted to disappear, to walk away, not to break like a toothpick in front of Maggie's gaze. She can’t let this, let them, happen. She wet her lips.

"Maggie, I can’t... we can’t do it… I-"

"I’ve tried, Alex. I really tried, but I... I just can’t get rid of you. And if I'm honest, I'm... not sure what I want. But I just wanted you to know." She stopped for a moment, her eyes flashing at Alex's lips. "It felt unfair to me that you don’t know."

"I’m-"

"I know." In these words she closed the distance between them, laying a gentle kiss on Alex's cheek, staying there for a few seconds too long. When she pulled away, Alex swallowed, her eyes half closed. She felt drugged by her presence, by her body heat, her smell, her voice. Everything hypnotized her, and there was no way she could free herself. She didn’t want to be in this situation, she hated it, for the utter lack of control which she found herself in, and she tried to breathe deeply, staring at the floor.

Maggie walked away a little, studying her. "Thank you, Alex," she whispered. "Thank you for saving her."

Alex couldn’t say a word, and only nodded, raising her head. She looked at her until she left the room, staying frozen until Maggie closed the door behind her, until she could no longer hear the sound of her footsteps walking down the hallway.

God, she needs a drink. Now.


	4. Chapter three

It was Wednesday.

Alex hated Wednesdays. It was a combination of a weekday that always somehow felt too far from the weekend and the fact that the cafeteria was unusually full for some reason, and she had to eat at her office. And she didn’t like it. Something in the air made her choke.

She didn’t like the current Wednesday even more, and it was only nine in the morning.

"In the DNA test there was no sign of lupus." Said James, writing down the symptoms of their new patient on the board.

"It's never lupus," said Winn wearily. Kara glanced at him, sullen.

"Zoral, what about history?"

Kara looked at the pages in her hand. "His mother died in a car accident, his maternal grandmother suffered from arthritis, and his maternal grandfather died in World War II."

"And on the father's side?"

"They're all clean."

James twisted his mouth, pursing his forehead, and the three continued to discuss the situation.

Alex sat at the table, and even though her expression seemed like she's trying to decipher the case in front of her, her mind was dealing with completely different things.

Maggie.

It didn’t take her long to admit it. eventually, it was crystal clear to her, and she couldn't ignore it anymore.

She's in love with Maggie.

She had always been in love with Maggie, irrationally and out of control. She was always in love with her. Two days have passed since Maggie's confession, and everything had come back to her more forcefully whenever she thought of it. She felt a terrible confusion, her throat was dry, and a ball of metal was heavy inside her stomach. She imagined her over and over in her mind, and every time she pulled herself together and shook her head, trying to recover and concentrate, just to fail again. Maggie is in love with her. And she, without realizing it, never stopped loving Maggie.

But now, more than ever, they couldn’t be together. Maggie is married to a healthier, stronger woman than her, and they live together happily. Alex can’t interfere with that. She just can’t.

But what would kill her more, to know that Maggie is living a good life without her, with a better woman, or being with Maggie, even though she swore to herself that she could never be with her again?

Only the thought of the two possibilities and their consequences caused her a terrible headache, and she couldn’t concentrate on the case in front of them.

"...no sign of tumor."

"So what about MS?"

"The ARI showed-"

"MRI doesn’t rule out MS with one hundred percent."

"What about the low count of his white blood cells? That doesn’t explain MS."

"Alcohol. The level in his blood when he was admitted was 2.0."

The three fell silent for a moment, thinking. Winn turned to Alex.

"Danvers?"

Alex awoke from her deep thoughts. "Yeah, sorry."

"Something is still missing."

Alex sighed, looking at the board.

"We went through all the imaging studies and redid the blood cultures. There's nothing there."

Alex tapped her cane at the end of the table, thinking.

"A type two neurofibromatosis could cause electric shocks."

"It's a genetic disease." Said James. Alex looked at Kara.

"His mother died in a car accident?"

"Yeah. She strayed off the road and crashed into a tree."

Alex pointed to Kara with her cane. "Maybe the mom had it too and no one checked. Go check the mother's file, and do a DNA scan of the long arm of chromosome 22."

The three nodded, and left her office in a minute, leaving her alone.

Lucky for her, she was still capable of solving cases, even if her mind was foggy because of Maggie. She just has to think about what to do from here.

Nothing, of course. Maggie returns to her old life with Claire and Alex stays in the hospital. They shouldn't see each other, or meet, or speak ever again. There's no reason to contact each other, as they haven’t for the past five years.

This shouldn’t be a problem.

She tried to cheer herself up a bit, to assure herself that reassembling won't be so hard. It will take time, but she'll make it in the end.

"Doctor Danvers,”

She raised her head, finding an intern who stuck his head into her office.

"Doctor J’onzz wants to see you."

Alex nodded without a word and slowly rose from her seat as he left.

***

"You want- what?"

J’onn took a deep breath. "I told you to sit."

Alex stared at him. "I don’t think sitting will change what you started to say."

"Alex."

J’onn’s voice was cutting, inarguable, and Alex sighed, sitting down on the chair across him. He leaned forward, crossing his fingers.

"Claire Warner has to go through more physiotherapy at the hospital. The paralysis she had, it caused damage, and she’ll need close supervision. Since we can certainly use Maggie as a general legal consultant here at the hospital, I offered her a temporary job." He paused. "She's very good at what she does."

Alex stared at the edge of her cane the whole time, J’onn's words burning her ears. After all, she had just told herself that she could heal from this last month’s incident, that she could heal the wound that reopened in her and resume to her life as usual... With Maggie in the hospital, all the time around, it would never happen.

"Have you talked to her?"

"Yes."

Alex raised her head. "What did she say?"

"She said it was alright with her, only if it's alright with you."

Alex fought the urge to snicker bitterly. Of course it would depend on her. She imagined Maggie thinking about this. She thought whether Maggie felt the same way, whether J’onn knew what he was doing, offering Maggie this job. What he does to Alex, what he does to both of them... She closed her eyes, her head pounding.

She can’t say yes. It would destroy her even more than it already had.

But she can’t say no either.

"It's okay."

"Alex, are you s-"

"I said it’s okay." She stood up, ignoring her muscle that screamed in pain. "Do you need anything else?"

He had a compassionate gaze when he looked at her, and it reminded her of the man who once used to look at her like that and would never look at her again. She hated it.

"Doctor J’onzz?"

"No, that's all."

She left the room as quickly as she could, before he could say anything else.

This day is just getting worse.

***

"The kid pooped in his bed."

Alex raised her head, finding the three doctors entering her office together. She raised an eyebrow, confused.

"Should I really know that?"

"You should know that because he didn’t feel it when it happened. He just smelled something strange and when the nurse picked up his blanket she found out he crapped. He didn’t even notice."

Alex twisted her mouth, drumming on the table with her pen. James went to write the symptoms on the board while the others sat down.

"So sphincter paralysis plus shocks equals Miller Fisher Syndrome." Said Kara.

"The stool sample is clean," Winn remarked, looking at the papers in front of him.

"What about the mom’s death?"

"Not relevant," said James. "DNA revealed no NF2 markers or any other inherited disease. I guess she really fell asleep on the wheel."

Alex took two pills down her throat and got up from her chair, looking at the board intently.

"Transverse myelitis," Winn said suddenly.

Alex nodded at him. "Will explain the numbness, the anal sphincter dysfunction, and the electric shocks." She looked back at the board. "The question is, what caused the inflammation in the first place."

"It's not cancer or MS," Kara said. "What about infection?"

"If it was infection he had fever." Said Winn. "His blood and CSF cultures are negative for that."

"Maybe the infection is gone and there's only memory," Kara suggested, looking thoughtfully at Alex.

Alex nodded slowly. "Molecular mimicry," she said, smiling slightly. "Nice. Check the immunoglobulin level and elec-"

"Alex?"

Everyone turned to the door, looking for the hesitant voice coming from there. Maggie peeked inside, placing her hand carefully on the doorpost, smiling shyly.

"I'm sorry to bother, it's just that... um..."

"No, uh, it's okay, come on in. We just finished." Alex swallowed, nodding at the three of them. They didn’t say a word and quickly left the two alone.

"So."

"So."

Their gaze met for a second, and Maggie's smile widened, making one come up on Alex's face as well. She studied Maggie for a moment, looking at the plain, daily outfit she was wearing, the simple bag she carried hung on her shoulder, her hair loose, wild. Alex's heart almost missed a beat at this simple, sweet look. More than ever, she had no doubt that she was in love, and she was at a loss. Maggie approached her cautiously, tentatively.

"J’onn talked to me."

"He did?"

"Yes. He said you agreed that I would work here for the near future." She looked up at Alex. "I wanted to come and say thank you."

Alex shrugged. "I felt selfish to refuse. And it’d be fine," she added. "We’re adults, we can handle it." She nodded, believing in her own words as she spoke. Maggie nodded too, wringing her fingers.

"Yeah, yeah."

"You didn’t come here just for that, did you?"

"No. I mean, Claire’s on the third floor, I walked her here, but-"

"You passed by to say hello."

"Yes." Maggie was silent for a moment. "And... I wanted to see you."

Alex tried to breathe, biting her lips. She didn’t want to know what Maggie would say if she could, if it was allowed. If she had a chance to bring Alex back to her. Or maybe she did want to know, and didn’t dare ask for it.

But she still got a chance, doesn’t she? Alex can’t stand in front of this look, the one Maggie’s sending her now, even though her wife is trying her best in physiotherapy exercises several floors down.

"You should leave." The words came out unintentionally, her voice strange and detached. She turned back to her desk, sitting down. She didn’t see Maggie's gaze, but she could tell exactly what expression she had on her face.

"Yes. You're right," she heard her voice, and a few moments later Maggie was outside the door. Alex cursed quietly, sighing.

"Maggie!" She couldn’t stop herself in time, and Maggie appeared again in the doorway, a spark of hope lights her face. Alex sighed again. "I’m... I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have..." She didn't know what to say. But she didn't want Maggie to go. Not really.

Maggie smiled a little, tucking her hands in her jeans pockets. "It's okay."

They were silent for a moment, Alex with an apologetic smile, and Maggie with accepting apology smile.

Maggie took her hands out of her pockets, their gestures too big, too unclear. "I wanted- I wanted to ask ... I mean, if you’d like, I don’t know if you have the time, but I... I wanted to know if..." She took a deep breath. "If you want to have dinner with me. You know, in memory of the good old days. And also as a thank you for- for what you did for Claire." There's fear in Maggie's eyes now, and Alex wonders what her intentions are, and if she knows what she's doing, and whether she can say no to such an offer.

"Yeah, sure." Alex smiled. It's a real smile, and for a moment she forgets all the terrible consequences that a dinner might bring, and nods at Maggie's bright face.

"So..."

"Tomorrow? Eight?"

"Sure, that would be great."

"My place"

"Good." Maggie tightens her shoulder bag, her smile still soft on her lips. She turns to leave the room, looking at Alex for a few seconds before she leaves, closing the door behind her.

Alex sighed again, sitting back down. Maybe it's not a very good idea, but there's no way back now.

***

Her leg hurts, but only a little. That is, it hurts all the time, but now it particularly hurts, and she takes two pills and slides them down her throat, trying to massage her thigh at the same time.

"Enough of that, you," she mumbles.

She looks good. Respectable. A long sleeves T-shirt, jeans. Something simple. Something you'd wear for a homey dinner with your ex after you saved her wife's life. She feels fine.

She doesn’t know why she offered to have this dinner at her place, it's not like she knows how to cook or anything. What did Maggie think to herself when she agreed? That Alex had miraculously learned how to cook in the past five years? Alex snorted. Maggie herself once said that Alex would never learn to cook properly.

"I love you so much, babe," she said then, her hands holding Alex's cheeks, a dimpled, spectacular smile on her face. "But if you get any closer to the kitchen again, please warn the firemen so they’ll be ready beforehand."

Alex frowned. "First of all, that's insulting. Secondly," she reached across the bowl of the fries she managed to burn to take a fry from the perfect plate of fries that Maggie had taken out of the frying pan, biting into it. "They're always ready. That's their whole thing."

"I'm not sure they'll be ready enough in your case," Maggie murmured, her forehead pressed against Alex's cheek while she chewed the fries.

"Can you stop disparage me? I feel strong waves of disbelief from you, it makes me miserable."

Maggie looked into Alex's eyes, her hands still on her cheeks. "I love you, Alex Danvers."

"You'll get your 'I love you' later, right now I'm annoyed with you. Would you pass me the good fries? I'm starving."

"Of course you are." Maggie planted a soft kiss on the tip of Alex's jaw, just below the ear. Alex smiled, pulling her for a kiss, leaning back on the marble island as Maggie's smiling lips pressed against hers. She slid her hands carefully down Maggie's hip bones, down to her ass, to her thighs, making her arch her back in response. The kiss deepened for a moment, they're both letting out quiet moans. Alex pulled out, nipping at Maggie's soft, gorgeous neck. 

"Hey, Maggie?" She whispered. "I love you."

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Alex looked up, startled. She's here, and Alex hasn’t even order anything. Great, Danvers.

She opened the door, wearing a wide smile.

"Hey!"

Maggie stood in the doorway, holding a black helmet in one hand, and a leather jacket in the other. She turned her hair away when she saw Alex, smiling slightly.

"Come on in."

Maggie walked slowly into the apartment, looking around. "Nice place."

"Thanks." Alex closed the door behind her. She slowly followed her into the living room, making a soft knocking on the parquet floor with her cane.

"Can I take that for you?" She reached for the helmet, and Maggie hurried to hand it to her in gratitude.

"So you still have that bike?"

"Actually, I don’t have the same one, but I still drive. But not like I used to, It's not very respectable for a lawyer to drive a motorcycle. I take cabs and drive in the car when Claire doesn’t use it, but… I still use my bike once in a while. " She turned to Alex. "When I'm not at work."

Alex hung the helmet on a rack next to the front door. "A lawyer riding a motorcycle sounds pretty cool to me. I'd hire you."

"You wouldn’t check my cases history or my abilities in court, just because I drive to work on a motorcycle, that’s why you’d hire me?"

"Exactly."

Maggie's smile widened, and she let out a snicker. "Well then, I'll have to start taking my bike to work."

Alex came a little closer. "It'll wrinkle your suit."

"So maybe I shouldn’t wear a suit at all." Maggie's voice became quiet and slow, her eyes fixed a bit up, right on Alex's eyes.

There was a voice, a faint sound in the back of Alex's head, telling her it wasn’t a good idea. The voice had begun to speak a long time ago, maybe when Maggie offered this dinner, maybe even before. Maybe long before. Alex didn’t really remember. But right now, it was begging her to open the door and get Maggie out of there, to tell her they could never see each other again, because if they’re attracted to each other, only bad things would come out of it.

Oh, yeah? What things exactly? Alex questioned, inadvertently approaching Maggie a little more by the second.

Maggie is married. To another woman. Who’s not you. And you can’t be with her. You swore to yourself. You could never be with Maggie again.

But we love each other.

The voice answered something, but Alex couldn’t hear it. Maggie was too close.

Alex closed her eyes, hearing a loud thud. It was her cane, falling to the ground, as she reached out to hold Maggie's cheeks in her palms.

Everything happened so slowly. It seems to Alex that she was standing there for several years, holding Maggie's face in her hands, breathing her deeply while Maggie breathes her back, her hands on Alex's hips. Their lips touched several times, but they haven't kissed yet. Not yet. Alex wasn’t sure how she survived this far without kissing Maggie. She's not sure she’ll last much longer.

Maggie's lips suddenly pressed against hers, crushed under hers, wetting them. They’re standing, linked, from face to the chest to the thighs, to the soles of the feet, each part of her screaming, electrified, from Maggie's touch. Her lips felt on fire.

It's ages before Maggie kisses her, in softness that’s probably out of this world.

They stand in Alex's living room, close together, Maggie holding Alex's waist tight, pulling her closer, deepening the kiss only a little. Alex isn’t sure she fully understands what's going on until she hears a sound, a dull growl out of Maggie's mouth, that’s pressed against hers. She hears another one, and the sound of wet lips, and she pushes her tongue past Maggie's lips, making a dull growl of her own. She longed for that moment, achingly, for when she'll feel Maggie's fingers pressed hard on her back, groping cautiously to touch her skin beneath her shirt, but something in Alex suddenly pushes her away, and all it takes is just one second.

"I... I don’t... you..." She can’t make clear words come out of her, and her leg begins to burn with sharp pain, although she took two pills less than half an hour ago. She grimaces in pain, exhaling a groan.

"Alex? Shit, are you alright?" Maggie tucks her hair behind her ear, a frightened look on her face. Alex manages to collapse to the couch, rubbing her leg in pain. Maggie sits next to her, puts her hand on her shoulder.

Alex leans back, panting. She kissed her ex, her married ex, in the middle of her living room. The voice at the back of her head is already preparing the 'I told you so' speech, but Alex silences it before it starts.

"You need anything? Water? I'll get you some water," she doesn’t wait for approval, and hurries to the kitchen, returns a moment later with a glass of water. Alex drinks it, even though she’s not thirsty, but simply because she’s not sure what to do.

Tell Maggie to go?

Maggie still looks at her with worried eyes, though less worried than before. Her hand still on Alex's shoulder, heavy, stinging. Alex puts the glass down on the coffee table, takes a deep breath.

"Alex?" It comes out in a whisper.

Alex closed her eyes. "We can’t... we can’t do this."

"No, I..." Maggie's grip on her shoulder has tightened. "I love you, Alex. Don’t tell me you don’t love me. Don’t tell me you didn’t feel anything. For fuck's sake, you kissed me back!"

"You're married, Maggie."

"That can change!"

"Don’t you love Claire?"

"Of course I love her, but..." Maggie's hand moved over to Alex's cheek. "You’re the one I want. You have my heart, Alex, you always had."

Alex shook her head. "We can’t be together."

"Why not?"

"Because!" Alex wanted to get up, to shake Maggie's touch off of her, but she couldn't. Instead, she gently removed Maggie's hand off her cheek. "I can’t be with you. Not after what happened."

Maggie's mouth forms into a thin line, her eyes moist. "Please, Alex, I see it in your eyes..."

"Please." Alex couldn’t look at her as she breathed out that word in a shudder. "Please, Maggie, just... go." She sniffed. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry." She laid a gentle hand on Alex's knee. "I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I could fix-”

"I know."

They were silent for a moment, frozen. Maggie finally got up, smoothing her blouse. Alex remained seated, hunched.

"Goodbye, Alex."

Alex didn’t answer. She heard the door slam behind her and fall back, her chin quiver.

***

She didn’t show up to work the next day.

Winn called three times and Kara twice. She didn’t answer. When J'onn called, she answered, explaining in a weak voice that she doesn’t feel well, and maybe it'd better for her to take a few days off.

The next day, Lucy called. Twice.

She answered at the third call, but said nothing, her face still buried in the pillow, as they had been for the past two days.

"Danvers!" Lucy sounded surprised and worried at the same time. "Finally. What's going on with you?"

Alex didn’t answer.

"Danvers?"

"I'm here." Her voice was faint.

"Where are you?"

"At home."

"Your team is getting worried."

"How's the patient?"

"He's alright. Schott said they're looking at possibilities for different infections.” Alex could see Lucy in her mind's eye, biting her lips, worried, confusion in her eyes. "What's up with you?"

"I... I don’t feel so good. I took a few days off."

"Huh."

Somehow Alex knew she didn’t buy it. But she made no effort to hide it.

"Dollywood, thirty minutes?"

Alex sighed quietly.

"I'll be there in twenty."

***

Lucy arrived in forty minutes, discovering Alex in her second glass. Alex didn’t look at her, and finished the drink in her glass with two quick sips, handing it to the bartender for a refill. Lucy quickly reached out to take it

"Okay, sweetie. Easy," she murmured, nodding at the bartender. "Water," she said. "And a soda for me."

Alex remained to stare at the counter.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

Alex shrugged. The glass of water was laid in front of her but she didn’t touch it. "Why don’t you let me enjoy some good alcohol?"

"Because we both know what will happen if you drink too much." Lucy's hand rested gently on her shoulder. "What's going on?"

Alex sighed. "She kissed me."

Lucy paused.

"Huh."

"And I kissed her back."

"Huh."

"And... that's it. Nothing happened. Except that, I mean."

"Huh."

"Can you say something more coherent than 'huh', please?"

Lucy snickered and took a sip of her soda. "How was it?"

Alex buried her face in her hands. "Like an apple."

"Apple?"

"Adam and Eve’s apple."

Lucy was silent for a moment. "Bible images doesn't look good on you, Danvers."

"Fuck off."

"Did you at least talk?"

"I told her we couldn’t do it."

"And what did she say?"

Alex moved the glass of water in a circular motion, watching a tiny whirlwind forming inside. "She said she loves me."

Lucy was silent again, and Alex knew she was holding back from saying 'I knew it'. She hoped she wouldn’t say it.

"It's all so painful, Lane,” She whispered. “I... I don’t know how to do this. She's working at the hospital now, I can’t get away from her, but I can’t be with her."

"Why not?"

“Besides the fact she’s married? Well, I don’t know, maybe because she ruined my life?”

"It's just a leg, Alex-"

"No, it's not." Alex tried not to raise her voice, that began to tremble now. "It's not just a leg. It’s a pain that I feel every day, every hour, every minute, I feel my muscle pulsing and pumping with pain that doesn’t stop, a pain that would never stop, and it hurts. All. The time.” She stopped for a moment. "Have you ever seen my leg, Lucy?"

Lucy didn’t answer.

“No, you haven’t. I'm not going to take off my pants in the middle of the bar but just so you’ll have a picture in your head, it's a jagged, ugly, shapeless sag, it's the muscle that was supposed to be there, and because of Maggie, it’s gone. In its place, all I feel is a wrenching, constant pain, every moment I'm awake. And even in the moments I'm not.” She clenched her fist. "So don’t tell me it's just a leg."

There was a pause as Alex finally sipped her water, finishing the glass.

"I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I never told you all that."

Lucy tapped the counter with her fingers, thoughtful.

"God, I hate her so much. She ruined everything for me, she ruined my happiness, she ruined my life, she ruined me herself."

"But you kissed her back."

Alex sighed. "Maybe it's because I need her. I can't help but love her. In the past five years, I've been thinking about her every day, until slowly she disappeared from my head. I started to recover, and now she's back, and I..." She shook her head. "I'm like day one again."

"So maybe you don’t need her back. Maybe you just need to crust it again."

"That's what I thought, but," she looked up at Lucy. "I'm not sure I'll be able to survive this all over again. Maybe if she was gone forever, but when she's in the hospital..."

"It's a big hospital, you'll be okay."

"I don’t know. To break up with Maggie, it almost killed me the last time."

Lucy put a hand on Alex's back, smiling consolingly. "This time you have me."

Alex snickered. "Yeah, so much for a help."

"Shut up." Lucy rested her head on Alex’s shoulder.

They stayed there for a while, drinking in complete silence.


	5. Chapter four

"I can’t believe you guys bet on it."

Winn seemed quite pleased with himself as he reached for the bill James handed him, while James let out, not surprisingly, a huff of disappointment

"I was so sure it was EPO."

"Well, we just had to scan his neck earlier." Kara shrugged. “We had no way of knowing."

Alex limped toward the desk in her office. "Either way, good job." She sat down with a sigh on the chair, putting down her cane. "It's late. Go home to rest." 

They got up and began to pack their stuff, taking off white coats and chatting. Alex began to go over the paperwork in front of her, trying to get rid of as much as possible before she had to go home too.

She had been quite powerless lately. Tired, more of the usual. Her mind was still sharp, but she noticed that it slowed a little, and even Winn would throw confused glances at her when she couldn’t understand the diagnosis he was talking about or didn’t diagnose cases with her characteristic speed. Her mind was working, but often distracted, and she became more exhausted, more bitter. Sadder.

If that was even possible.

It was almost two months since Maggie had left her apartment that evening. Two months of almost total suffering, and she'd seen her in the hallways, next to J’onn's office, and sometimes in the elevator, trying to avoid her gaze as much as she could, but unable to avoid the sensation of being in the same space with her, like a poisonous gas that might knock her out if she won't get out of there soon.

Lucy tried to be there for her. To hang out at the bar with her, just spending time together, and even offered to hook her up with someone. Alex refused, not firmly, but decisively. She doesn’t want anyone.

"So what do you want?"

Alex sighed. "I'm not sure." She picked up her glass and emptied it into her mouth, never pleased with the amount of alcohol she was allowed to drink. She had to soak her brain with tequila, until there was no trace of anything that might hurt her.

"Alex, you have to get out of this. Let me introduce you to the cute nurse who started in peds two weeks ago-"

"Not only I don’t want to go out with anyone, I specifically don’t want to go out with anyone from the hospital. You have any idea what will happen to me if I’ll have to avoid two people in my routine? It will be chaos.”

"Why do you assume it won’t work?" Lucy sounded irritated.

"Look at me, Lane. Do I look like a catch to you?"

Lucy raised an eyebrow. "Well, I would say that-"

"No."

"That's not what I said!"

“Drop it. How much you wanna bet I’ll kick your ass in darts?"

And so it went on, more or less.

She wouldn’t say she’s not feeling better. It's just... it's hard for her. She just has to learn to live with it.

She learned to live with worse.

"Danvers?"

She raised her head. Winn stuck his head in her office, and she saw Kara and James standing outside behind him, waiting.

"We... uh," he hesitated for a moment. "We're going out for a drink. I mean, not like, getting drunk, you know," he chuckled in embarrassment, "Just a small drink. It should be nice. D’you wanna... I mean, if you can-" He gestured at the papers in front of her. "If you want to, you can... you can join us."

He looked almost flushed, and smiled at her hopefully. She gave him an apologetic smile.

"I think I'll pass. But you guys have fun."

He nodded at her. "Okay. Good luck."

"Drive safely," she called after them, and Kara waved good-bye as they walked away.

She worked on her papers late, looking at her watch only a few hours later. She didn’t notice that time had passed and, fortunately, she finished most of the things she needed to work on. In the days to come, she would have almost no work at all. She stretched out in her chair, pulling out her box of pills and popping few to her mouth. She stood up, packing her things.

The sound of the door opening caught her attention and she looked, finding Lucy.

"What are you doing here?"

"This is my office. What are you doing here?"

"I had patients." Lucy came in, pushing her hands into her white coat pockets. "I mean, what are you doing here at this hour?"

Drowning myself in work. "I had a few things I had to finish."

"That many?"

"First of all, I run a whole department. It's a lot of very bureaucratic paperwork, you know. I also thought of writing an article about interesting cases we had. I collected data and wrote some notes. It's not very organized yet but I hope it’ll come out good."

Lucy raised an eyebrow. "Interesting."

"Yes, that's my intention." Alex put her bag on her back, using a cane to walk toward the exit. "Are you leaving soon?"

"No, I still have a few more patients who need close supervision. I try to be as human as possible."

"Hard work, huh?"

Lucy frowned at her, and then she softened. "Alex-"

"Don’t. Are you going to say what I think you're going to say?"

"And what was I going to say?"

"I don’t know, something sympathetic about me having to take care of myself and get out more and meet new people..."

"That's- that is not what I meant to say!" Lucy proclaimed, a little bit too defensively.

“Oh, sorry. What did you mean to say?"

"Just that-" She shook her head. "Drive safely. If you're tired, it can be dangerous."

Alex swallowed a smile. They walked all the way to the elevator, and Alex pressed the button with her cane. She turned to look at Lucy, an affectionate smile on her face.

"Let's go out tomorrow."

"Go out?"

"Yeah, you know, not a date, just..." Alex shrugged. "Go out somewhere, we'll have a drink, talk to strangers. Preferably female strangers."

The angle of Lucy's mouth curled up. "Well, you're lucky, because tomorrow night I'm not doing anything."

The elevator chimed and opened. Alex went inside.

"Anything?" Alex raised an eyebrow. Lucy shrugged.

"I didn’t say I didn't plan anything, I just said that tomorrow evening I'm not doing anything, so we could go out if-”

"Lane!"

Lucy sent her a wink before the elevator doors closed, and she was left alone, snickering to herself.

***

"Just so you know, I'm very excited."

"Yes, you’ve said that already."

"I mean, you’re finally going out, after two months of-"

"I've been out of the house for the past two months."

"Yes, but not for these kinds of purposes."

"It's not that I've gone out too much before that, Luce. It's just a nice friendly bar, and we'll have some drinks and talk to pretty girls." Alex tugged at the edge of her leather jacket, clearly a little stressed. Lucy put a hand on her shoulder as they walked toward the bar in question, the street in front of them is bright and colorful, filled with the lively nightlife air of younger people.

"And boys," Lucy said.

"And boys," agreed Alex. "Though you'll talk to the girls and the boys, and I'll only talk to the girls."

"It depends on the stock."

"Please don’t talk about people like they're fish in the supermarket." Alex sighed. Lucy patted her back with the hand that was lying there, laughing.

They went into the dimly lit place, Lucy sitting down first in one of the empty booths, ordering them drinks.

"If I'll be in a good mood today, I'll let you have more than two."

Alex chuckled into her bourbon. "Wow, thanks, Mom."

"Sure, sweetie." Lucy took a big sip of her glass, turning to survey the crowd.

"What about her?"

Alex was still sipping her bourbon, slow, measured sips, as if trying to save the drink. She didn’t look at the girl she was pointing at. "Not yet."

"What do you mean? We came here for-”

"Yes, but I haven’t finished my first drink yet. I have to..."

"Get loose. Got it.” Lucy leaned back, her fingers drumming softly on the table. They went on talking quietly, studying the crowd of people around.

*  
*  
*

Alex sits at the counter, takes the second glass of whiskey down her throat. She remembers when she was little, she always wondered what whiskey tastes like when she saw her dad drinking it. Her mom wouldn’t let her taste it, but one day, when she wasn't home, her dad gave her a small sip. She grimaced and almost spat the drink, and he laughed. "You'll get used to it one day," he said fondly, filling a glass for himself.

He didn’t know how right he was. She wished he could sit next to her now, to share a glass with her, to conjure up that memory, to laugh at forgotten things, and unforgettable things. But nothing remained of him now. He became a memory himself. One she can’t forget, even if she tried.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks. Alex raises her head to tell him that she already has a drink, when she sees that he’s addressing the girl who’s standing next to her. She peeks at her. A leather jacket, loose, wavy hair, jeans so tight that if she’ll bend, Alex could see her underwear line. She continues to examine the woman's body with an almost microscopic eyebrow rise, when she’s noticing the girl isn’t answering the bartender, that she is examining her back. Their eyes meet, and a light, charming, captivating smile comes on the woman's face.

"Whatever she's having."

She sits next to her, and Alex can smell her perfume; gentle, sweet. Her glass comes in a moment and she picks it up to Alex, and they clink their glasses.

"Whiskey," the woman says. "Feeling classy today?"

Alex shrugs. "It was my dad's favorite drink."

“Oh." A pause. “He died?”

Alex turns her head to her, surprised. "A year ago. How did you know?"

The woman sends her another smile, but more sympathetic. "You look melancholic."

Alex shakes her head, finishing her drink. "Melancholy is my second name."

The woman chuckles, and Alex turns her head, glances around the bar.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

Alex looks at her, her eyes peeking at her body again. She's hot, no doubt. And very nice. And actually... why not? Anyway, she's pretty much by herself today. A company will do no harm.

"A drink? In exchange for what?" She decides to play the game. The woman's tongue darts out for a moment, wetting her lips.

"Your name will be enough for now."

"Danvers."

The woman raises an eyebrow. "Just Danvers?"

"Alex Danvers, but mostly Danvers."

"Nice to meet you, Danvers. I'm Maggie." Maggie reaches for a handshake.

"Just Maggie?"

"Hey, you didn’t buy me a drink. I'm just offering free service here for customers, giving my name.”

Alex laughs, and Maggie follows, they're both facing the row of bottles behind the counter, stealing glances at each other, smiles still on their faces. The bartender reappears, and Maggie orders another drink for Alex, watching her while she drinks it.

"So, Danvers. What do you do?"

"I'm a doctor."

"Impressive." Maggie nods. "Isn’t that a thing at hospitals? To call people just by their family name?"

Alex thinks for a moment.

"They don’t accept you to medical school if you have a bad family name. It’s part of the admission requirements to be a doctor."

Maggie frowns in surprise and immediately bursts into laughter. Alex giggles after her, lowering her head in slight embarrassment. She’s not used to making people laugh, especially girls. Especially pretty girls who buy her drinks and bite their lips when they look at her, as if she's worth their time.

"Alex Danvers, a doctor." Maggie turns her whole body to her, sitting legs crossed of the high chair.

"And you, Maggie?"

Maggie takes another sip, lingering for a moment before she answers. "Maggie Sawyer, a lawyer."

"It rhymes."

"That's why I chose this profession."

"It seems we both chosen good professions."

"Yeah, I guess."

The end of her words is interrupted by a large group of men who enters the place, shouting and cheering, all sitting down at the bar, not far from them. They exchange a glance.

"Want to get out of h-"

"Yes, let's go."

They get up and walk toward the back door. Alex leads, feeling Maggie's hand on her lower back, and she’s not sure whether she’s pushing her as she walks, or letting her lead, following her footsteps.

They went out together into the cool night air, leaving the commotion inside.

*  
*  
*

Lucy's laugh shook her out and she looked around. Two men and a woman sat in the booth with them, all of them engaged in enthusiastic conversation. She remembered when they appeared, and when Lucy invited them to sit with them, and when they introduced themselves in a prominent french accent, but vaguely. The two men were muscular, but not inflated, and head shaved. The woman was also quite muscular, and looked around with a slightly arrogant expression, silent. Alex studied her for a moment and then looked at Lucy, who was talking to one of the men with glowing eyes. She listened quietly, trying to pick up fragments of sentences.

"There's no chance Tom Hanks only won two Oscars."

"I’m telling you, the guy is overrated."

"I'm sorry, but the amount of Oscars an actor has isn’t indicative of his talent. Look at Dicaprio!”

Alex emptied her glass. "Yeah, look at him. All he can do convincingly is to drown. No wonder he only has one oscar, it’s to symbolize his testicles number."

There was silence for a second, and everyone burst out laughing, looking at Alex. She raised her hand to call the bartender, requesting another drink.

Maggie wouldn’t have laughed at this joke. She would roll her eyes and shake her head, but she would still put her hand on the back of Alex's neck, looking at her fondly, caressing her neck. Alex felt the trail of the drink in her throat, yearning for more trails to erase the memory from her mind.

She wouldn’t have thought of Maggie if she wouldn’t have come back. She would sit here tonight, enjoy herself a little, flirts with the nameless muscular woman who sat opposite her, taking part in the conversation and making sarcastic remarks as usual. She might have managed to get out of there with a phone number or two, and probably a crushing victory over one of the men at the pool table on the side. But since Maggie came back, she couldn’t think logically. She can’t function. Since Maggie came back, all Alex could think of was her. Wonder again and again what she was doing now, how she felt, and if she was here, how she would act, what she would have say. Maggie loved her, she never stopped, and rejecting her has torn her heart apart, knowing they couldn’t be together, and still, she didn’t see herself recovering from it anytime soon. An evening that was supposed to be a diversion became an evening of burning memories in Alex's mind.

"...Alex?"

She turned her head sharply to Lucy. "Yeah, sorry."

Lucy's gaze told her that she knew exactly what she was thinking. She smiled at her and put a hand on her shoulder, encouraging. "Paul here asked what your specialty is."

Lucy could answer that question. Lucy could do a whole conversation in Alex’s name. But she wants to distract her as much as possible. That’s the purpose of this evening.

She continued to talk with their company, finding that they were professional boxers who came to the city for some kind of competition. They had an evening off, and they were looking for a quiet bar. The woman, Camille, showed interest in Alex, and soon they went to sit at the bar, Alex sitting on a high chair at the end of the bar and Camille standing beside her. Lucy went on chatting with the two guys, who clearly wanted her attention.

"It's my brother over there," Camille said, her french accent pleasing to the ear. She shook her head with a grin. "He's been trying to score chicks since we came here." She looked back at Alex, who was already on her fourth glass when Lucy's mind was distracted.

"And the other?"

"Jacques?" She was silent for a moment. "He wants my brother."

Alex looked at them again. She noticed it only when Camille brought it up, but one of the guys indeed seemed more interested in the other guy than in Lucy. Lucy noticed the look Alex was sending her, and winked at her encouragingly. Alex lifted her glass and Lucy turned her look back at Camille's brother. Jacques looked at him too, his eyes almost as bright as Lucy's, and Alex recognized apprehension in them.

"And your brother, he doesn’t... he doesn’t see?"

"I don’t know." Camille shrugged. "Even if he is, he’s not into men. It's not that they can be together or anything."

Alex was silent, still looking at them. Lucy burst out laughing, putting her hand flirtatiously on Paul's chest. They went on talking, not noticing Jacques, whose eyes were slowly extinguished until he finally stood up and went to get another drink.

His shoulders crouched slightly, his glass in his hand, as he sat down at the bar, not far from Alex and Camille, ordering another drink. Alex stole a look at him, watching him clenching his jaw, fisting his fingers and spreading them again. She wanted to wonder what was going through his mind, finding after a second that she already knew. She exchanged a look with Camille, who smiled at her softly.

The fact that Alex was walking around with a cane, or crippled in general, didn’t seem to bother Camille, and she reached out to hold her cane, sliding her finger along it, as if she’s estimating it, interested in buying it.

"But you, I assume," she murmured, raising her head, leaning the cane back on the bar. "You into your own sex, aren’t you?"

Alex smiled at her. "Well, it's kinda hard to miss that," her gaze traced Camille's muscular, curvy body and back up to her blue eyes. She wants her, it's clear. And if Alex thinks about it for a moment, that's exactly what she needs now. A glorious distraction.

She lets Camille push her back to the bar a little, to put her hands around her neck, to kiss her in a firmness she’s not used to, that she found she actually likes now. Camille stood between her legs, panting into her mouth, and Alex felt her warm shoulders, her sunburned, tanned arms with her hands.

She hadn’t kissed anyone since Maggie. Since five years ago, she had no one. She couldn’t, she lost interest, and now she felt something sharp in this act, something flowing in her veins, not blood. Something she couldn’t name, and now it came in through Camille's kisses, through her touch on Alex's body, straight to her heart. The pain in her leg sharpened, and she pushed it to the back of her head, ignoring it.

"Is your place far from here?" Camille sighed, still kissing her, a little slower. Alex stayed eyes closed, letting herself be carried away.  No, she thought. Her place is pretty close, only two blocks away, but it's a no that she's saying to herself, a no because she can’t, because what's happening here is not real. She's in love with Maggie.

She can. And she should.  Say yes before you regret it.

She broke off for a moment, letting herself sink into the blue pools that looked thirstily at her.

"No," she heard herself. "No." She's saying again, as if to herself, but Camille is already smiling, packing on her lips for a brief moment.

"I'll go tell my brother. Don’t move," she whispered in her ear.

Alex didn’t move. Camille returned after ten seconds, a triumphant look on her face. "He's busy with your friend. I'll send him a text, he'll figure it out." She took Alex's hand in hers.

"Come on."

Alex limped, letting herself be led, unsure of where or why.

There’s not enough alcohol in the world to get her drunk for tonight.

***

She wakes up with an ugly headache, and a loose hand on her chest. She can’t open her eyes yet, but she’s not sure she wants to. The body beside her, cold as a cadaver, snorts rather strangely, and she reaches out to carefully remove the hand. Camille turns around without saying a word, gathers her hand back, still asleep.

Alex sat down, the pain in her leg beginning to make its marks as every morning. She tried to massage her thigh a little, stirring blood to the area. A few deep breaths and three pills, and the pain subsided a bit. She got out of bed, and ten seconds later she was already in the shower. She took a long, boiling shower, feeling the water splashing loudly on her body, her brain turns to fog under their hard pressure. Steam fills the air as she goes out, wrapping herself in a towel.

She finishes getting dressed and comes out, finding Camille in the kitchen, in one of Alex's shirts and panties only. Alex approached slowly, limping without her cane, and Camille handed her a cup of coffee with a smile. She examines her for a fraction of a second. It's a sexy look, no doubt, and Camille is probably one of these people who can drink and still look like a million dollars the next morning. Camille pulls her closer without a word, puts her hands on her shoulders. Alex comply.

"Good morning," Camille says after they're lips pull away. Alex sips her coffee.

"So," Camille pats Alex's shoulders with both her hands. "Do you have any plans today?"

"Actually," Alex looks at the clock. "I need to go to work."

Camille raises an eyebrow. "It's ten-thirty."

"I'm at this stage in the job where I can come and go as I wish, but I really should show up today."

"Then there's no chance of..." Camille smiles to her, and Alex managed to drown in this bright blue for only a few seconds, immediately regains her composure.

"Oh, no, I really... really have to go." She keeps drinking her coffee while she looks around for her bag and shoes. She hopes Camille will get the hint and get dressed.

Camille sighs behind her and turns to the clothes that were thrown yesterday on the floor, and in a moment she’s already in shorts and singlet, her hair pulled back. She turns to Alex.

"Look, I had a really good time last night. That's my number," she leans over and scrawls something on a piece of paper on the table. Alex looks at it, then at her.

"I'm going back to France in a month. If-”

"I’ll call." Alex nods. Camille looks at her a moment longer and leaves the apartment, and a second later there’s no trace of her but the scent of her perfume, still hovering in Alex's nose.

***

"Oh, finally," Kara sighed, putting down the papers she had been reading on the table. Winn turned to look from his place next to the board. Alex walked past the diagnostic room and went right into her office without a sign she noticed them. Kara and Winn exchanged glances.

"I hope she'll come in soon," Winn murmured, returning to the board. "We're short in two minds today."

Kara didn’t answer. She looked at Alex, who had put her bag down and sat on her chair, her cane leaning against the table. Alex went over the mail on her desk, rubbing her eyes again and again. She looked troubled. No, sad. She looked sad.

"Say," she mumbles, her gaze not leaving Alex. "What do you think is going on with Danvers?"

Winn glanced at Alex, and looked back at the symptoms on the board. "Why are you asking?"

"Look at her, she looks like a sack of potatoes. And a depressed one." She drummed her pencil on the table. "She's been like this for a while, when I think about it. Do you think something happened?"

Winn sat beside her, looking at Alex too. "I don’t know for sure, but... I think it has something to do with Maggie."

Kara looked at him. "Maggie? Maggie Sawyer?" She looked a bit confused, and suddenly a realization struck her face. "Because they're exes? And now Maggie works here, right?"

Winn shrugged. "Look, I don’t know because I didn’t ask anyone, but what I do know is that Danvers is acting normally, and suddenly Maggie Sawyer returns from the dead, and Danvers completely loses it." He was silent for a moment, as if not sure he should say it, but then he decided, and added in a whisper, "I think they're still in love with each other."

Kara raised her eyebrows in amazement, looking at Alex again. "Oh my god, are you serious?"

Winn shook his head quickly and got up from the chair. "I don’t know anything, it's just a guess. Don’t start spreading it around or anything."

"No, of course not, it’s just that, wow," she shook her head. "This is really serious."

"Yes."

"Maggie is married!"

"Definitely," murmured Winn, his gaze sunk back to the board.

Kara put the pencil over her lips, thinking intently. "This sucks."

Alex stood up slowly, clinging to her cane. She went into the examination room with an uncharacteristically too slow pace, sitting down at the table.

“Update me," she said, rubbing her eyes again.

Winn and Kara exchanged a look, and Winn cleared his throat.

"We did every test that could find the infection, but all the results are negative. Right now we’re... uh," He cleared his throat again. "We’re at a dead end."

Alex looked at him, then at Kara, and finally at the board.

"Where's Olsen?"

They both shrugged. "He stayed up late in the lab for tests yesterday."

Alex stood up with a sigh, holding to her cane. Winn held himself back from reaching out and help or, alternatively, insisted she’ll sit down. He exchanged glances again with Kara as Alex walked over to the board, examines the symptoms written there and the possibilities they already crossed.

"He's a college kid. What if it’s something he smoked or drank?"

"He’s admitted for over few weeks. Anything that came in through drinking or smoking should have already washed away." Said Kara.

"Marijuana?"

"Marijuana doesn’t cause infections." Winn gave her a confused, sympathetic look. "Danvers, are you... okay? You don’t look so-"

"Marijuana doesn’t cause infections, but the things they spray on it does. Pesticides, for example." She said, her voice suddenly firm. She turned to the two of them. "In fact, it doesn’t have to be marijuana, maybe he ate an unwashed fruit or been exposed through the skin on a hyke." She stopped suddenly. "Or he smoked it. A lot of it."

"You have no evidence to support the fact that it's pesticides," said Winn. She looked at him, biting her cheek from the inside.

"Do you have a better idea?"

Winn was silent. Alex looked at Kara, who shook her head.

"This is not good. Start him on IV pralidoxime. We’ll see results within a few days."

She limped away without another word, leaving the two behind her, closing the shutters on her office.

"This is not good at all," Kara murmured, and they both turned away to the patient's room.

***

"You gave him treatment for pesticides?"

Alex nodded.

J’onn rubbed his forehead. "And you had no evidence that he was harmed by pesticides in any way."

Alex shook her head again, this time sideways.

"Alex..." He sighed. "Do you understand how severe this is?"

"He's getting better, J’onn!"

"That's not the point! we're taking care of our patients, we're not experimenting with them and guessing guesses! Danvers, this..." He shook his head. "This is bad. Very, very bad."

"Okay, so what now? You’ll sue me because he’s feeling better?"

He leaned back. "No. But you should hope that our lawyer won’t find out about this."

She looked at him venomously, but he didn’t flinch, and bowed his head to the papers in front of him.

"You're free to go."

She got up quickly, turns to leave. She knew he had more to say, and she had no intention of staying there and listening. She respected him, but there was a limit to the number of people she can let control of her life.

She began to walk to the nurses' station, remembering a second too late that Lucy was waiting for her in her office. She turned sharply to the other direction.

Boom.

She found herself lying on the floor after a crash, while the papers carried by the other person were still scattered everywhere. She felt her shoulder, grimacing, and turned to look.

Of course. A few hundred people walking around this hospital every day, and she had to bump into her ex.

Maggie rose too, putting a hand to the side of her head, pursing her eyes. She noticed Alex, paling.

"Are you okay?" The question came out of Alex's mouth without planning. Maggie gave a light chuckle.

"Yeah, just... ouch," she rubbed her head, shaking it. She turned quickly to collect the papers that had been scattered. "I'm fine, don’t worry."

"Let me help you," Alex allowed herself again to be led by an unseen force that made her feel like she was some other, nicer, healthier person. She wasn’t sure, but there was a chance she even smiled at Maggie as she gathered the papers around her. Again Maggie let out a chuckle, this time a bit frightened.

"No, it's okay, you don’t have to-"

"Here." Alex handed her the last piece of paper, and her fingers’ skin crawled to the touch. Maggie rose, adjusting the papers, while Alex tried to get up with her cane. Maggie hurried to reach out a hand for her, and Alex took it, her whole hand now bristling. Perhaps even to her shoulders, her head, her lips. They stayed holding hands for one moment too long, and Maggie hurried to collect hers back.

"Thanks. I'm sorry about the-"

"Forget it, I'm fine." Alex waved her hand dismissively. Maggie smiled, her eyes slowly, cautiously, looking into Alex's. Alex found herself looking at her, without shields, without masks, for the first time since Maggie had left her apartment, they stood in front of each other with nothing separating them, nothing to keep them away.

Alex knew how dangerous it was, and wondered what might happen next.

Maggie opened her mouth to say something, but a voice from behind Alex interrupt them.

"Alex?"

Alex tore her eyes from Maggie and turned to look at the woman approaching her, recognizing the tanned blue smiling at her.

"I was hoping to run into you here!" Camille raised her arm. "I got injured, It's pretty serious. They ordered me to come here to get it checked." Her smile widened. "If you're not too busy, I'd be happy if you take a look." She lowered her voice. "It would be so nice to get treatment from someone I already know." She finished with a little laugh.

Alex blinked. "Of course," she said after a moment. "I’d love to." She glanced at Maggie for a second, but Camille didn’t miss it.

"Of course, where are my manners!" She held out her uninjured hand. "I'm Camille."

"Maggie," she shook her hand hesitantly, her gaze wandering but not asking. Alex bit her lip and turned to Camille.

"Well, let's go check it out." She looked at Maggie as she walked away. "It was nice to run into you, Maggie."

"Of course, you too." Maggie nodded at her and watched her walk away with Camille beside her.

Alex led Camille to an examination room, instructing her to roll up a sleeve. She put on white gloves, feeling and pressing on the bruise that was clearly visible on Camille’s arm. She didn’t usually treat casual patients, but for Camille she was ready to make an exception. And, well, something to distract her from the incident that just happened to her.

But Camille didn’t seem to be helping.

"Who was it, there in the hall?"

Alex looked up blankly at her as she dressed her arm. Camille misinterpreted her expression, raising a defensive hand in the air.

"Hey, it’s not my business or anything, I'm just interested because you're as quiet as a mouse from the moment we came in. I'm just trying to be nice." She shrugged and immediately let out a huff of pain.

"Don’t move your arm, I'm trying to assess the damage."

They remained silent until Alex finished dressing the arm, pulling down her gloves. She turned around in her chair and began to write down her prescriptions.

"It's not bad, but you should avoid unnecessary movements in the next few days. I'll prescribe pills for the pain, and don’t take off the bandage for at least two days." She handed her the note. Camille nodded, taking it.

"Thank you, Doct- uh, Alex. Thank you." She got up from the seat and started walking toward the door.

"Look," she turned suddenly. "I know that it's none of my business, and I'm not going to follow you or bother you about it, but I saw you, bumping into this woman from afar. I saw how she helped you get up, how you looked at each other.” She thought for a moment. “It looks like there's something between you two. I don’t know what it is, or what happened, but, uh, you can talk to me if you need to.” she paused. “I’m a pretty good listener." she added with a slight smile.

Alex was silent for a moment, not looking at her. She doesn’t want to unpack everything right now, but she found that the words flow out from her mouth and she couldn’t stop them.

"We were together for five years. I had a medical condition, and she... she was the one who caused my limp. She thought she was saving me. I got mad, and we broke up. She came back a few months ago, she has a new wife. She works here now.” She finally dared to look at Camille's eyes. "She told me she still loves me."

"And then you went to the bar to fuck the first chick you could find."

Alex closed her eyes. "No, it's not-"

"It's alright, Alex, I understand." Camille smiled pleasantly. "You don’t have to feel guilty, no one expects you to forgive her if you don’t feel like you can."

Alex didn’t answer. Camille moved a little closer.

"But I saw how she looked at you. With all the problems around you, your leg, and her wife, and all the other things, everything that stands in your way to be happy." She shook her head. "I don’t think there's anything in this world that’s not worth giving up for real love." She smiled, trying to catch Alex's empty gaze. "Maybe you should give her a second chance. Throw aside the obstacles you face now, see if you can handle it, for bigger, better things."

Alex shook her head. She wanted to tell her that she doesn’t understand anything, that she was supposed to be a one-night stand and not more than that. She wanted her to get out of there with all her stupid, worn-out cliches, but her throat was choked, and she couldn’t say a word.

Camille patted her shoulder. "Thanks for the arm."

She left Alex alone. Alex got up carefully and walked slowly toward the door, locking it. She sat on the floor, burying her face in her hands, and the tears didn’t fail to come.

***

There was a knock on the door, and Kara went into Alex's office, wearing a surgical dressing gown. Alex straightened up, silently asking for news. Kara shook her head.

"Roth took out the tumor, but the infection caused another intestinal perforation. It hurt him severely."

"Internal bleeding?"

Kara nodded. "We stopped it, but his white count keeps falling."

Alex leaned back. "Damnit." She put a hand on her forehead. She thought it was over when they found the source of the infection, but it turned out to be just the beginning. This kid is just starting his life. He plays on the college football team. He has a girlfriend. And now he could do nothing but wait for his death by this infection. They can try to lengthen the amount of time he got left, but it won’t be more than a few months. This kid was sentenced to death. She shook her head, looking at Kara, who bit her lips sadly.

"Should I go and tell the dad?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Zorel." She nodded, and Kara hurried to leave.

You can’t save everyone, Danvers.

*  
*  
* 

"What happened today?" Maggie looked at the half-empty bottles on the counter beside Alex, at the glass she held tightly, at her red eyes. Alex just sighed, looking at the bottom of her glass. Maggie sat next to her, worried.

"I couldn’t save her, she... Her heart stopped on the table, it couldn’t..." She let out a sob. "It didn't take it, I couldn’t save her." A new gush of tears burst out of her eyes.

Maggie's arm reached out to wrap her, and she put a comforting kiss on her head. "I'm so sorry, baby." She murmured. "You don’t deserve this. You're an amazing and brilliant doctor-"

"I don’t know if I deserve this or not, but that's not the point. She’s the point here, she’s the one that didn’t deserve it." Alex hiccuped as she spoke, draining the rest of the glass to her throat. Maggie cautiously took the glass from her, holding both her hands carefully.

“I know. I’m sorry. I know she was important to you, I know you two had a good connection, I know you wanted to save her, I know you thought you would.” Alex trembled in her arms, eyes closed.

"But you can’t save everyone, Danvers. You just can’t, and I know it hurts, but try to remember it. And what happened, maybe it should have happened, maybe- "

"No, don’t say it should have happened, don’t say that, I- I'm-" She tried to shake off Maggie's grip, but Maggie didn’t let her. She wrapped her arms more tightly around Alex’ body, and Alex wept into her shoulder.

"Cry now, sweety. I'm here."

Alex let herself fall apart, feeling her stiff body slacken slowly in Maggie's arms.

*  
*  
* 

She tapped with a cane on the floor as the elevator drove down. She was on her way home after signing all the documents about her patient, talked to his father, and her job ended today. It wasn’t too late, but outside was already dark, and many people were on their way out, back home like her. She hung her cane on her arm for a moment, taking out the box of pills and putting two pills down her throat, stretching her neck to relax. The elevator doors opened at last, and everyone went outside. She turned to go out last, finding Maggie in front of her, on her way inside, peering through a packet of papers. She raised her head for a moment, her mouth slightly open when she saw Alex.

"Hey," she blurted out, and a small smile spread across her face. Alex nodded, turning to leave. Maggie walked into the elevator.

Alex started walking, her walking face slowing down after a few steps, and she turned around. Maggie was no longer looking at the papers, and the hand that held them was drooping beside her. Her other hand was tucked into her pocket and she looked at Alex. Alex knew that look. She was worried, but not too much, and especially intrigued. It was the look that said she wanted to know something, but she probably wouldn’t ask. They continued to look at each other in silence as the elevator door began to close between them. Maggie hurried to reach out, stopping it.

"Hey, are you... are you okay?"

No. I can’t get you out of my head. I have no idea what to do with you. "Yeah, I'm fine."

Maggie bit her lower lip. Alex couldn’t stop herself from chuckling, shaking her head.

"I just can’t get rid of you, can I?"

A soft smile spread over Maggie's face. "I guess not," she said finally, her voice quiet. Alex shook her head again, turning to leave.

She didn’t know how long Maggie kept standing there, her hand holding the elevator door, watching her walk away, until she stepped out of the hospital doors into the cold street, disappearing.

She fastened her coat to her body, walking slowly, supported by her cane. She thought of the sight of Maggie's eyes before she turned to go, the look she had in her eyes. She thought of what Camille had said, of what Lucy had said, of what Maggie wanted. About what she wants. The hole in her heart widened even deeper, and she sighed, shivering.

It would kill her to love her. It would kill her to stay away from her. So the question is, how would she rather die?


	6. Chapter five A

"Baltimore?"

James sat down next to her, rolling up his sleeves. "It's a three-day conference, Danvers. You’ll be fine.”

Alex looked at her phone screen, her forehead wrinkled with concern. She can’t leave now for three days. She has patients, and staff, and a whole department to run, and... well, if she’s honest, she doesn't feel like going to Baltimore. She doesn't feel like going anywhere at all.

It has become harder for her to travel, since her leg. So much to walk, and carry, and always having to stop to massage her thigh, to soothe the pain, to face stranger looks. It was never worth the trip. She had left the city perhaps twice in the past five years. And even then, it was just to visit her mother in the elderly home. It wasn’t something she liked to do.

James sat next to her, continuing to look at their new patient's file. "She hasn’t slept for ten days. No fever, no white blood cells, which means there’s no infection." He continued to study the file, concentrating.

"Ten days? It's not even possible." Said Winn from the corner of the room, a bag of snack in his hand, his feet on the table. Alex raised an eyebrow at him and he stopped mid-chew, shrugging innocently. Alex shook her head, shoving her phone back in her pocket. She took out her pills bottle, swallowing two pills quickly.

She can’t deal with this conference right now. She should talk to J’onn, to get it off her. He would talk to the head of whoever is in charge, get her out of it. She didn’t want to trust him, but she had no choice. She was afraid he would make her do something she didn’t want, on the pretext that it was the best thing for her. She knew that sometimes, she just couldn’t bring herself to argue with him.

"She swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills and stayed awake. I think she has a serious problem." James got up and went over to the board. "I’ll write the symptoms."

"Does she have any symptoms other than 'tired as hell'?"

James wrote ‘tired as hell' in big letters on the board. "Anything else?"

Winn wiped the crumbs off his hands and picked up the file James left on the table.

"What about schizophrenia?" Asked Kara.

"No hallucinations."

"Tox screen?"

"Except for a whole bottle of sleeping pills, clean. No methamphetamines or cocaine, or any other drugs, really." Winn flipped a page. "She got steroids and ibuprofen for travel injuries, but that was more than a month ago."

"So she’s clean, healthy and with no past diseases."

"Except that she’s, as we said, tired as hell." Said Alex, getting up heavily. She walked over to the board as James sat down, and the three looked up at her. "Let's start at the beginning."

"How far back?"

Alex put her cane aside. She took a model of a human brain that was on one of the shelves behind her, holding it in front of her. "Genesis. God said ’let there be light'." She pointed at the two frontal lobes.

"Did anyone ever tell you that bible images do not look good on you?" Kara cocked her head, her hand on the back of her chair. Alex pursed her lips towards her.

"What can you deduce from that?"

"Sleep is initially controlled by external light cues," James said. "If her brain doesn’t interpret these cues correctly, it's an optic nerve disease."

Alex nodded once, turning to put the brain model back on the shelf. Kara got up, grabbing the snack bag from Winn's surprised hand. "I'll do the tests."

Winn hurried after her, and James sat back, opening his laptop. "I figured it might be that." He said without looking at Alex.

"So why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn’t want to stand in your spotlight." A slight smile was on his face. Alex raised a surprised eyebrow.

"I'm just kidding," he said quickly.

"Oh," she said, just because she didn’t know what else to say. She began walking back to her office.

"Alex," he said, and she stopped, confused. She turned slowly. He gave her a sympathetic look.

"I know you want to give up on this conference, but, ah, I don’t think you should. I mean, it could be good for you, you know, a few days off in a new place, talking to new people, relax a little."

"It's not a vacation."

"It might as well be for you." He hesitated for a moment. "I know you didn’t ask me, but if you would, I'd tell you you'd better go."

"But you guys-"

“We’ll be fine. Have you seen Winn lately? He's on fire. Well, when he doesn’t inhale snacks,” he joked again, his teeth flashing with a smile. Alex tried to smile back at him, nodding, turning back to her office at last.

"Thanks."

***

James entered Alex's office, followed by Winn and Kara. Alex looked up, putting down her pen.

"It's not an optic nerve disease.” Said James. “But, she did fell asleep for a few seconds." He sat down on the chair across from Alex while Winn and Kara stood on either side of him. Alex listened and he went on. "We checked the ocular pressure, everything was normal. CT showed no tumors, no clots, no seizure disorder. She’s clean.”

"But she fell asleep."

"It was for a few seconds, a minute at the most. She just can't stay asleep." He shrugged. "So now what?"

"I don’t know, you tell me." She said, leaning back. He bit the inside of his cheek.

"Look, if it's not an optic nerve disease, and there's nothing physically wrong with her, except that she can’t sleep, I thought that maybe we should go for mental problems. Ones that can't be seen in physiological tests. Depression, anxiety- "

"No."

James raised his eyebrows in surprise. "How can you-"

"Zorel questioned her girlfriend while Schott and you did the test. We got all the information we needed; there are no symptoms of mental or physical illness that could be the problem." Alex raised her cane in the air, turning it around.

"She swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills!"

"It was to fall asleep."

"What if she's lying?"

"Then she’s killing herself, it's not my concern. What I need - what we need," she looked at all three, "Is to understand how to cure her based on the information we have now, not on the idea that the patient is lying to us. We won’t know until she’ll confess." James went quiet while Alex took a deep breath. "So the question is, what causes the only symptom we have in hand - the inability to sleep."

The three didn’t speak and only looked around, thinking.

"Whatever it is, it doesn’t appear in any tests, and we need it to, so maybe... we have to make it show up."

Winn frowned. "Do you want her to be sicker?"

"Not by much, just until we can find out what's wrong with her. We have to keep her awake." Alex turned around in her chair, looking out the window behind her. "Only until another symptom will be discovered, or-"

"You take away the few seconds she can sleep, it's torture!"

"So is cutting people with a knife, but if you're a doctor, that's okay." Alex put her cane back on the table. "Make sure she doesn’t fall asleep. Stay with her, talk to her, shake her, I don’t care."

"She might die!" Kara looked frightened.

"She will die for sure if we won’t find what it is. If we'll look, at least we tried."

***

"You have more luck than brains."

Alex sat there for maybe fifteen minutes, listening to J’onn's scolding at her. He paced back and forth as she sat on one of the chairs, her cane resting between her nervous-jumping legs. The only reason she agreed to come was so she could ask him to let her out of that conference. Maybe after he'd let out a little steam he will have the patience to agree.

"She could have died!"

"But she didn’t die, and we found new symptoms." Alex sounded tired. "Are you done?"

He shook his head at her, sulking. "Don’t make me angrier." He was silent for a moment. "I don’t like being angry with you," he added, in a quieter voice.

She sighed quietly. "I'm sorry, it was a little irresponsible."

"A little?"

"It was the only way to find out what was wrong with her!"

"I'm sure there were other ways-"

"Yes, I did something dangerous, but it was necessary for my patient, and now I know how to cure her." Her leg was still tapping nervously on the floor but she looked at him with determined eyes. Finally, he looked down.

"Okay."

She exhaled.

"I'm not bothering to tell you it won’t happen again, it'll just be a waste of time." He sat back down. "But just... try to be a little less..."

“Hasty?"

"Yeah, this." He leaned back. "Now, about that conference-"

"Yes, about that, I'm not going."

He raised an eyebrow. "Of course you are, you’re giving a lecture."

She gaped at him, shocked. She didn’t expect that at all. "What?"

"They called this morning. Someone canceled and they want you to give a lecture in their place. They don't really care about what, they just want you to fill a slot."

Alex shook her head, chuckling incredulously. "I- I really don’t- I'm not gonna speak in front of-"

"You give lectures sometimes."

"When you force me to!"

"So here I am, forcing you." He tapped on his desk. "You have a week or two to prepare a two-hour lecture. You have to give them the subject and the abstract within a few days, so you better hurry up."

Alex was still shocked. "You can’t.... you... I don’t even want to go, I- I'm crippled! You can’t make me!"

"I can try. And you'll be fine, you'll have all the support you need, there's no reason why you shouldn’t go."

She tried to glare at him again but failed when he looked back at her with a glare of his own. She finally gave in, rising from her chair and walked slowly to the door.

"Alex,"

She turned her head back, her eyes tired. He gave her a small, soft smile, trying to cheer her up. He loved her as his own daughter, she knew, and he would never want anything bad to happen to her. He took care of her, and relied on her, and if she would allow him, he would fill the figure she needed in her life, the one she never let anyone else fill.

He shook his head and said nothing, looking back at the papers in front of him. She hurried out of the room before he’ll change his mind. She didn’t need any more merciful looks like that, especially not lately. She felt like she was about to break at any moment, hoping she wouldn’t see Maggie on her way back to her office. Or in general today. She needed distractions again, and wondered how long she would last before something really bad will make her snap.

***

"Excuse me, ma'am?" Alex raised her head, finding a stewardess smiling politely at her.

"Disableds are allowed to board the plane first." She gestured toward the counter where the clerk was already been waiting. Alex shook her head gratefully, slowly rising from her seat, supported by her cane.

She left her staff to look after the tired woman. They'll work hard and together, and they'll solve it. It's just a few days alone, it'll be alright. And they know she’ll always be available for consultation. She didn’t want to leave them alone, fearing that it would cost her with a grumpy staff and uncured pactions, but J’onn left her no room for argument. It was very clear she was going to this conference, whether she liked it or not. James said he would try to control the treatments, and Lucy promised her that she would take care of the place in her absence. For the most part, she didn’t know if she could count on Lucy in one hundred percent, but she didn’t really have a choice. And James... well, he'll crack this. It's neurological, that's for sure.

She hated flights. Her cane gone stuck everywhere, and she always needed a seat with space for her leg, and she almost always got glances from people who couldn’t keep their eyes to themselves. She didn’t enjoy any stage of her trip, and she almost always found herself longing for a cold glass of whiskey, a leg raised on the coffee table, and a good movie or a book. Not all this... discomfort.

She moved slowly toward the clerk, handing him her passport. It was a short flight, and she hoped it would pass quickly. She was given a special seat as she needed, and in the meantime everything went smoothly. She wanted to get to her hotel already, to lie on the big bed there, and rest. There was nothing she wanted more than to close her eyes and rest.

The clerk handed her her passport back with a smile, turning her way to the sleeve that led to the plane. She thanked him politely and adjusted the knapsack on her shoulder, beginning to walk.

*  
*  
*

"Alex?"

Alex turned, a smile on her face as soon as she saw the woman in front of her.

"Maggie," she said, approaching her. Maggie was wearing a plain, flowered evening dress, and her hair was pulled back. Alex still hadn’t seen her in anything other than jeans and a blouse or jacket, and the look was refreshing, impressive, beautiful. She herself wore something more dignified than usual, since they went out to a real, official date in a restaurant, with reservations and all. It was their third date, if they’ll consider the night they met as one. Things went well, for now, and Alex hoped things will continue to go as well.

"It's right here," she led Maggie to the restaurant, which was right around the corner. They went inside, sat down, and a waiter hurried to serve them menus and drinks.

"Wine," said Alex. She looked at Maggie, waiting for confirmation. Maggie nodded. “Merlot, please."

The waiter disappeared in the kitchen, returning in a few minutes with a bottle and two glasses. They tapped the ends of their glasses gently, sipping. Alex felt tipsy ease, though she took only two sips of her wine. The restaurant was brightly lit, a pianist sat on the side, playing a pleasant, quiet melody, and before her sat Maggie Sawyer, a woman she had met only a week and a half ago, but her affection for her made butterflies roar in her stomach.

She had never felt that way about any woman, ever, especially not so soon after they met. Of course she dated here and there, long and short relationship, with all kinds of women, but things never... clicked so easily, never went so fast, yet still slower than she imagined, slower than she found herself longing for. They haven't even kissed yet, but the connection seemed strong and stable so far, as if they knew each other for years. It was supposed to make her scared, but instead it filled her with courage, hope, peace. She was curious about the future, and it was a refreshing feeling.

Maggie put down her glass. "I have to say, Danvers, this is a classic restaurant. I was a little surprised when you told me we were going here. I didn’t catch you as the type who dresses nicely to take a girl to a dinner in a place like this, but then again, I suppose there are things you can't know at first or even second sight." She turned to look at the menu. "The green gnocchi looks good." She looked up. "What do you think?"

Alex didn’t look at the menu, only at Maggie. She looked at the way her red lips moved, at her long lashes, at the dimples that were visible from time to time, at how she moved her face. This woman was a lust for the eyes, the ears, and generally for the rest of Alex's body. She froze, stunned. Maggie bit the inside of her cheek and raised an eyebrow, trying to wake Alex. Alex blinked, turning to look at the menu.

"Gnocchi? Yeah, yeah, sure, I think I'll take it," she said, trying not to pant. Maggie laughed slightly, affectionately.

"Well, if you take it, then there's no reason for me to take the same. I'll just take some from you to taste." She passed a page on her menu. "Rice, cabbage and peas, looks good to me." She raised her head to find a waiter.

They talked at mealtime, Maggie does taking a bite of Alex's plate, making her blush a little, and ordered more wine. The conversation passed easily, and Alex relaxed a bit, perhaps because of the wine, or perhaps because she found it’s easy for her to talk to Maggie, and even in their previous meetings she felt that she had an intelligent, sharp, pleasant, laughing woman in front of her. Alex liked to throw a joke or a funny comment from time to time, just to see the dimples popping on Maggie's cheeks, to hear the sound of her laughter, which she always tried to stifle a little since they were in a public place. She wondered what Maggie's laugh would sound like if they were in her apartment right now. Would she let herself go free, would she laugh more loudly, easily? She wondered so many things, but dared to say only a few.

"Lilo and stitch, for sure." Maggie leaned back, her almost empty glass of wine resting gently in her hand.

"Oh, yes, a masterpiece, no doubt. But as far as I'm concerned, there's no Disney movie to compare with the beauty and beast." Alex shrugged. Maggie wore an insulted face.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I insulted your snobbish senses with my simple movie?" Maggie smirked, and Alex missed a beat to the sight.

"What snobbish senses? I’m just appreciating Disney's best movie of all time. It has a love story against all odds, great songs, and talking objects. What’s not to like? Everything a cartoon movie needs.”

"Lilo and stitch talk about family and friends, and there's a goofball alien doing goofy things, if you're talking about what cartoon movie needs- ”

"But are they singing there?"

Maggie rolled her eyes. "Are you really gonna drop such a good movie over songs?"

Alex put her glass down on the table, flinging her hands to the sides. "Of course! the songs are the most important part, and the music in the beauty and the beast is definitely high quality."

Maggie shook her head. "There is nothing that can compete with a blue alien and a seven-year-old girl who adopts him."

"The amount of failed sequels they made for this movie only indicates how much of a wannabe it was.”

They looked at each other, their faces serious. Too serious, and suddenly the tips of Alex's mouth curled up, and she tried to swallow a smile. Maggie's face was still too serious and Alex couldn't help but giggle, trying to be as quiet as possible. Maggie suddenly broke down, giggling after her, and as soon as they started, it was pretty hard to stop. They laughed, repressing their laughter tone until their sides began to ache, and Maggie wiped a tear from her eyes, trying to relax. They gasped after a few moments, pausing, but it all began again as soon as their eyes met again. It took them several minutes to calm down, panting in silence, the chuckle slowly fading away.

"Okay, that's enough," Maggie took a deep breath, gathering her face in her hands, leaning forward. "Tell me something sad."

Alex sighed, still smiling, thinking. "I had a patient who died two weeks ago."

Maggie's mouth straightened, creating a thin line of sorrow. "Wow, Danvers, I'm sorry."

"Yes, it sucks. He wasn’t really a patient of mine, I mean, I was part of his team of doctors, so I wasn’t alone in the treatment, but what happened was, well, we just couldn’t find the problem. His organs continued to collapse one by one. It was... hard to watch.” She drummed her fingers on the table. "I was with him, a few hours before it happened, he felt it coming. He asked me to give a message to his mother."

"What was it?" Maggie's voice was calm, quiet.

"She lives in Germany, she didn’t want to see him. He just wanted to tell her he loved her, that he… he didn’t mean to hurt her. I don’t know what exactly happened between them, he didn’t have time to tell me. But I tracked her.”

"How did she react?"

"I sent her an email, didn’t get to talk to her. I just..." She shrugged, staring at the table. "I hope she forgave him."

She was silent for a few seconds, and suddenly Maggie's hand, careful, slow, came to grab her own. Her fingers trembled a little and she squeezed them tightly into Alex's hand, wrapping them. They were warm, soft to the touch, and Alex looked up, meeting a sweet smile that lifted Maggie's cheeks, and wet eyes.

"Are you... crying?"

"Me? No, no way." Maggie hurried to reach out her other hand, wiping her eyes. Alex smiled, her hand not letting go of Maggie's hand. Maggie shook her head, smiling.

"Alex, I-"

"Good evening, ladies. Would you want to order a dessert?"

The sudden appearance of the waiter caused them to pull away their hands, and their bubble exploded, dropping them back to reality. Alex looked around.

"No, thank you, just the check."

They left the restaurant a few moments later, into the bright lighted street. There was music in the distance, delicate sounds of wind instruments, and the sounds of talking and laughter surrounded them from the restaurants and bars on the street. Alex felt... strange. She felt something she couldn’t name, as if there was a square inside her that she had never known was empty, and suddenly it began to fill up. Maggie walked beside her, quiet, relaxed, her shoes chattering softly on the pavement.

"Where are we going?"

Alex glanced at her, flashing a smile. "Well, actually, I live right around the corner..."

Maggie shook her head with a sly smile. "You're full of surprises today, Danvers."

"Surprise is my middle name."

"I thought it was melancholy."

"Yeah, my parents weren’t strong in giving names." Maggie laughed at that, and the square in Alex's chest got lit, filling up a little more. They walked on, talking leisurely, walking slower and slower, as if trying to delay the end of the evening.

"We're here." Alex turned around, turning to face Maggie. Maggie gave her a warm smile, causing her breath to hitch.

"You want-" Alex could barely get the words out and just gestured with her hand. Maggie came a little closer, raising her head teasingly.

"I think we need to keep all this... thing," she pointed vaguely at the air between her and Alex. "A little more formal. Take it slowly."

"Slowly, you say?" Alex smiled playfully, taking a step forward. Maggie's eyes glowed.

"I like you, Danvers." She said, her voice very quiet. "I’m feeling good about this."

Alex felt a rising heat in her cheeks, her lips curled up, her heart beating in double pace. "Well," she said. "I can’t say I don’t agree."

She leaned forward a little, pressing her lips to Maggie's. They were incredibly warm, enveloping her in dazzling wonderness, and Maggie's hands clung to her cheek. The kiss took only a moment, perhaps a few seconds, and Alex felt she could kiss that woman for at least a thousand years. She opened her eyes, watching as a bright smile formed itself on Maggie's face. Maggie leaned forward again, kissing Alex's cheek.

"Call me."

She pulled herself off from Alex, walked over to the pavement’s edge and caught a cab, disappearing in a few seconds. Alex started walking toward the building, up the stairs two by two, her legs lighter than ever.

*  
*  
* 

"Ma'am?"

Alex opened her eyes. A flight attendant put a hand on her shoulder. "Ma'am, we're about to land."

"Land...?" Alex looked around, blinking.

"The seat belts," said the flight attendant, as patient as possible. Alex exhaled, looking out the window. Clouds covered everything, and it was early evening time.

"Of course, sorry." She quickly reached for her belt, wrapping it around her waist. She closed her eyes again, seeing dimples everywhere.

***

"Doctor Danvers!"

Alex turned around. A bearded man hurried to her as she was leaving the full, load lectures room. She had just finished her lecture, and was hoping to get out of there as soon as she could. The man outstretched his hand for shaking.

"Doctor Rufus Summers, Cambridge University. It’s a pleasure," he said, a big smile on his face. She nodded at the british man, who seemed very excited, and shook his hand.

"Pleasure is all mine."

"Can I accompany you outside?"

She gestured to the exit and they both started to walk forward. She noticed he was walking at a slow pace to be on the same line with her.

"I have to say, Doctor, some of the things you said out there were absolutely fascinating. You seem to have encountered in more cases than one can remember," he joked.

"Well, I've been a doctor for nearly fifteen years, but I probably haven’t seen everything by now."

"Though the number of cases you ran into is not as interested as the cases themselves. The things you do are quite remarkable; I must say that I was very eager throughout the lecture, your fluency is impressive." He kept glancing at her face, as if examining her responses, but she was mostly confused. The lecture was about a number of interesting cases, all of which focused on the underlying problems arising from autoimmune diseases, but she didn’t see it as unusual from the other lectures that were presented at the conference. Summers continued to walk beside her, and seemed interested in... something specific. Maybe something from her. She just kept nodding, waiting for him to tell her what he wants. She wasn’t particularly good at small talk.

"Look, maybe it's better if I go straight to the point." They stopped right in front of the staircase that led to the exit from the building. He turned to her, formal. "Doctor Danvers, you are a most impressive person. You’re one of the most successful doctors in the country, with a success rate of more than seventy percent, extensive knowledge and valued talent. You are someone everyone would want on their team."

She froze.

So that's how it goes.

He’s trying to fish her. He wants her… on his team.

"You’ve done your research," her voice was quiet. He nodded.

"I’m the head of the medical department at our university in Cambridge. We’ve heard a lot about you, especially lately. The kid who born in vitro fertilization and found with foreign DNA in his blood, that was brilliant. And the nun with the allergy? so inspiring.” he looked enthused, just by talking about her cases. He closed his eyes for a second, focusing. “Look, we discussed a lot about your case among ourselves. After a bit of consultation and thoughts, we decided to... offer you to join us. If you'd agree."

"Join you." She said, studying him.

"It will require you to move to Cambridge, of course. But you’ll get your own place, full access to all our labs, and,” he added, as it’s trivial, “We’d triple your salary.”

"But you want me to quit medicine."

“Of course not. Medicine can be expressed in many areas. There are doctors who heal sick people, and there are doctors,” He lowered his voice slightly, giving the matter an interesting atmosphere. "Who finds a cure for things that no one ever thought possible, in ways no one ever imagined."

Cancer. Alzheimer's disease. ALS. She could work on it. She could crack it. She could be a laboratory researcher, finding a cure for every possible illness.

She can find a cure for her leg.

And leave everything behind?

"Dr. Summers, that's really a... such an honor- I mean, well, my specialty is healing disease, not finding- that is, investigating cases-"

"Please." He held up a hand. "You have enormous potential to be one of our most successful researchers, to pass on your knowledge to the next generation of researchers and doctors. We want you with us, but you need to think about it. It's a heavy subject, I know what I'm asking for. So let me know when you decide." He paused for a moment, smiling. "You might change the world."

She shook her head, snickering escaping from her lips. It's stupid, even ridiculous, that someone, someone she has never met, wants her to leave everything she has ever known to go and find a cure for things that no one ever succeeded. She’s not sure how she should react. The smile remained on his lips and he reached into his pocket, handed her a card.

"Good afternoon, Doctor." He nodded and turned down the stairs quickly. She looked at him go, a bit frozen, the card still hanging between her fingers. People passed around her but she stared at the back of his coat until she disappeared from sight, until he left the building.

Her phone rang and she quickly reached into her pocket.

"Danvers," she said into the phone, turning. She walked slowly, searching for the elevators in her eyes, the phone still straining to her ear.

"It's Zoral. We need your help."

***

"Male, forty-five years old, was brought with aphasia after being hit in the head." Winn stood at the side of the board, the symptoms already listed behind him in neat handwriting.

"Olsen?"

"Agraphia, too." James exhaled loudly. "He couldn’t speak, write or draw anything that could be understood."

Winn nodded to Kara, and she looked at her notes. "His wife said that he hit his head after he fell, which means that the aphasia and the agraphia aren’t symptoms of the hit." She raised her head. "Stroke, seizure, anything that can-"

"Hold on," James interrupted her. "The paramedics said he stumbled, that's what they heard when they came to pick him up."

Winn looked at the two of them. "Then, uh..."

"A blow to the head explains all the symptoms, it causes swelling or a seizure that can cause aphasia. We should do an EEG test."

"Thirty people saw him stumbling, and one saw him fall, who would you believe?" Kara leaned back. "If it was a stroke it might be a problem of coagulation."

"What about drugs?" Said Winn.

James sighed. "I think that-"

"Look," Kara got up, her white coat flapping. "It can be everything, so let's just take a look at everything, okay?" She looked at them both. "We can deal without Danvers for a few days, it shouldn’t be a problem."

She left the room, and they hurried after her.

*

"Fluids in his lungs?"

"His oxygen went down. I had to intubate.” Kara folded her arms as James sat down. "It wasn’t a seizure," she murmured, approaching the board.

"So we have aphasia, agraphia and fluid in the lungs."

"The tox screen will tell us if-"

"Guys!" Winn walked into the room, waving in a sheet of paper. "The tox screen came in. He takes amphetamines."

James took the paper, looking at it. "So that's it?"

"No," Winn said, sitting up. "He has a fever."

Kara sighed. "Drugs don’t cause fever."

"What about meningitis?" James suggested. "We should give him antibiotics."

"No," said Kara. "It may be an autoimmune disease. Lupus, behcet's. We could start him on a high dose of steroids..."

"But if he has meningitis, the steroids will weaken his immune system."

Winn kept looking at the board, listening to the two of them. "I hate to say that, but-"

"We should call Danvers."

He turned, nodding. James twisted his mouth.

"Wait, maybe we should-"

"Unless you have another idea, I don’t think there's something we could do." Winn nodded to Kara. "Call her."

Kara nodded as she pulled out her phone. "I hope she’ll answer quick."

"It's Zorel." she said. "We need your help."

***

"That's not enough information, I thought I taught you better than that." Alex got out of the elevator, slowly limping toward the exit. "You’ll need all the information you can get. Family history, medical history, and other information on this case. Start him on antibiotics, in case it’s meningitis. And do an MRI, to get more information."

"What if it's an autoimmune disease?"

"Then we’re screwed." Alex left the building. It was windy, and light snow was falling. She picked up her coat cap, trying to walk as fast as possible to the hotel where she was staying. Her fingers gripped her cane, frozen. "That's why we need more information. Get what you need and call me back."

Kara nodded. "Okay, we will. Thank you."

Alex hung up and dug deep into her coat, trying to survive the next few minutes outside, in the frost, until she reached her hotel. She's done with that damn lecture, successfully, she must say, and now it’s time to fly back. If she'll be lucky, she would catch the nearest flight and make it to the hospital before that man dies.

Cambridge. That guy really wants her-

No, this is not the time. Think about it another time. Maybe on the flight. Maybe at night, in your bed. Maybe tomorrow, when you’ll consult with Lucy. But now you have to concentrate on leaving this place, and as fast as possible.

She went into the hotel lobby, the tip of her nose red and frozen.

***

"Flight number 3521 to Minnesota, this is the last call..."

Alex walked up the line at the airport coffee place, which progressed in a bit irritating slowness. Her flight was in an hour, and it was better if she’ll be there early. She looked at her watch again, sighing.

She raised her head, looking around, when something caught her attention.

A woman was standing with her back to her, wearing a brown coat with red embroidery on the collar. She knew only one woman who had this kind of coat. She used to get butterflies in her chest just from seeing that coat.

But there was no way Maggie was here, at the Baltimore airport. What are the chances that both of them will be in the same airport on the same day, at the same time, in the same area? negligible. The woman was a bit... short, yes, but it could be anyone in that coat. You're imagining, she told herself, turning her head back. You're imagining, and the sooner you'd stop, the better.

She took a step forward in the line, not looking back at the woman.

But what if it is her?

Oh, dear god-

She turned her head, only to find that the woman had turned, and now Alex could see her face. Brown hair, stable posture, unmistakable cheeks. Not that she wouldn’t have recognized her anywhere else.

It's Maggie, and she's standing just a few feet away.

Someone patted her shoulder and she took a step forward, not looking away from Maggie. She was busy with her phone, typing quickly, with a slightly worried expression on her face.

"What can I get you?"

Alex turned her head to the cashier. "One large cappuccino. Two sugar." She paused.

"Anything else?"

"Yes," she found herself saying. "Black, large. No suger."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: the last scene was supposed to be the first scene on the next chapter but i've decided to give you a little taste of what's to come... the taste of the cliff hanger has never been sweeter ;)
> 
> anyway, if we're at it i wanna say thank you for reading my story! i worked hard on this one, and i'm glad people can enjoy it. any of you who have something to say, i wanna hear it and discuss! whether you loved what happened so far, hate the shit out of it, or terrified of what's to come, i want to read your thoughts, so please share them! even if i'm not commenting back, i'm reading everything, so don't worry  
> you're also welcome to come over to my twitter (bilerleighs) or my tumblr (bilerleigh) and hmu there
> 
> i'd try to upload the next chapter as soon as i can... and thanks again!


	7. Chapter five B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not nsfw, but.

The cashier handed Alex the order, and with a stand holding the two cups she turned to leave, looking for the brown coat. She looked all around, but Maggie disappeared. 

Great job, Danvers. You look away for one moment and manages to lose her.

She began walking away, looking for a seat, when the brown coat caught her eyes again. Maggie was sitting on one of the benches, still typing on her phone. Alex walked slowly towards her, sitting down heavily next to her.

Maggie looked up, at Alex's cane that rested beside her and finally raising her head, at Alex herself. She raised her eyebrows, her face stunned. Alex just shrugged, handing her one of the cups.

"What-"

"No sugar."

Maggie took the cup from her hands, a slight smile on her still confused face. "Thank you," she said at last, putting down her phone.

They sipped their cups in silence until Maggie broke it.

"Baltimore?"

"I had a conference. Had to give a lecture."

"About what?"

"It'll bore you."

"Try me."

The tiny smile that formed on Alex's face was inevitable. She began to explain the various processes she had to do, what led her to this subject and what she was talking about, and even though most of it was based on in-depth things that only advanced doctors could understand, Maggie expressed interest, asked questions, and, as usual, laughed in all the right places. As it turned out, Maggie was in Baltimore for a business trip, since the company where she worked as a lawyer had a business meeting. She was supposed to fly back a few hours ago, but her flight got delayed due to the weather. Alex checked her flight details, finding that her flight had also been delayed.

"They said they'd update in the next hour, but I'm afraid it won’t happen soon," sighed Maggie, looking at the big window in front of them. "Who knows when we can get out of here." Snow and wind swirled in the air, and it seemed more stormy outside than before.

Silence fell between them. It was strange to sit next to Maggie like that, drinking coffee and chatting, but not too strange. Alex supposed she'd grown used to the fact that she and Maggie wouldn’t be together again, that their relationship had become something between workmates and light friendship, so there was really nothing to worry about. Maggie finished her coffee, tossing the cup in the bin beside her.

"Thanks for the coffee, I really needed it."

"Sure."

Yes, they can be platonic. It’ll work. There’s no reason it won’t.

"How's Claire?" She heard herself ask. Surprisingly, Maggie's mouth stretched to a thin, nervous line when Alex mentioned Claire, though Alex wasn’t sure Maggie had noticed it herself.

"She's... okay. She's going through a lot of treatments, and we try to look after each other, after everything that happened." She was silent for a moment, sighing softly. "She's tired, and she's worried, she's having a hard time with the whole disability thing. She has to sit in a wheelchair most of the time. It's not easy."

"I'm sure." Alex didn’t say it cynically, but in a soft, attentive voice. Maggie nodded.

"But we'll be fine."

Alex smiled at her, nodding back. Maggie looked at her, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. She kept looking at Alex for a few moments, the smallest smile on her face. Alex almost asked what it is, when her phone rang, interrupting the moment. She hurried to answer.

"Danvers," she murmured into it, aware of Maggie leaning back beside her, pulling out a stack of pages.

"There's a scar on the MRI scan."

"Made by the hit?"

Winn sighed. "No, it's an old one. But it doesn’t look like anything clear. It can be MS, toxins, a demyelinating disease, small stroke, accident... anything."

Alex bit her lip. "If this is meningitis we need to act quickly to identify the cause."

"So do you suggest lumbar puncture?"

Kara's voice came from a distance; the phone was probably on a speaker. "I’m not doing an LP with this edema in his lungs!"

Alex sighed. "Zoral is right, it can paralyze him."

"Do you have another idea?" It was James, a bit closer than Kara.

"We just need... more information." Alex looked around, thinking.

"It's a bit hard to get information from this guy. We can’t understand what he's saying because of the aphasia, and his wife only knows him for a few years."

"What about other people who know him from work, family, anyone else?"

There was silence for a few seconds, and Alex assumed they were looking at each other.

"If I have to tell you one more time that we don’t have enough information, you'll hear from me. Now get to work.”

She hung up. Maggie, beside her, let out a small chuckle.

"What?" She grumbled, finishing the drink in her cup.

"Nothing," Maggie shrugged, not looking away from the papers. "You're bossy. That's c- I mean... nice. It's nice"

Alex glanced at her, just as Maggie raised her head, and their eyes met for a fraction of a second. Hit rose in her cheeks and she looked away, her hand wrapped tighter around the cane.

Platonic? Are you absolutely sure, Danvers? because-

Shut up.

Alex looked around, her empty cup crinkles in her other hand without realizing it.

God, enough of this torture.

They stayed there for at least another hour. Maggie looked at her papers, scrawling something with a pen here and there, and Alex leaned her head back, trying to rest. They continued to sit side by side as people walked around them, calls on the loudspeaker announcing canceled or delayed flights, and the sound of wind from outside the big window in front of them keeps roaring.

***

"We need to do a lumbar puncture." Winn stood up, folding his arms. Kara's face turned pale.

"But... it's dangerous! I don’t know if we should take the risk." Her forehead wrinkled with concern. James went into the room, and Winn looked at him expectantly.

"His caratenin is 6.8, kidneys starting to collapse. He's on dialysis." James looked tired. "We need to figure this thing out, and fast."

Winn looked at Kara. "It's either brain inflammation, meningitis or autoimmune disease. We don't have a choice, we have to do a lumbar puncture to understand more, or we start losing him "

Kara bit her lip. "Maybe we'll talk to Danvers?"

"She won’t say anything different. We have to do this, Zorel." Winn sounded tense, nervous.

Kara pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing. "Okay, I'll go." She surrendered, raising her hands, and walked out to the patient's room.

Mr. Stone, the patient, was an esteemed journalist, a crime reporter who was known for his job. He used to live a life of licentiousness and debauchery, constantly taking crazy risks and reveals scandals on the left and right. He met his wife a few years ago, and they settled down. He remained a valued and talented writer and journalist, but he took fewer risks than before. When Kara arrived at his room he laid frightened on the bed, and she put on her gloves, wearing a sympathetic smile.

"How are you?" she asked. He just nodded. He couldn’t say anything that made sense except for yes and no, so they couldn’t properly interrogate him. Right as Kara performed the procedure, Winn went to talk to relatives and friends who could have some information about him. Right now, he looks pretty lonely and miserable, and very sick.

"I need you to lie on your side. Excellent, very good." She swept the area on his back with disinfectant when she realized he was a little shaky.

"I know you're afraid," she said quietly. "I know you think you're going to die, but I promise you that once we find out what's wrong, we-"

Her words were interrupted by a sharp turn on his part, and he caught her wrist, a terrified look on his face.

"I couldn't tackle the bear!" He muttered, shivering. "They took my stain..." His voice gradually faded, and she gave him a confused, sympathetic look.

"I don’t..."

"I couldn't tackle the bear!" He said again, tears in his eyes. She shook her head.

"Just lie on your side. We'll deal with that later, I promise."

He lay down again, and she finished the process carefully, gently. She rose with the sample in her hands, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Try not to move for the next hour. We'll find out what it is." She paused for a moment, smiling at him again, encouraging. "We'll solve it."

He looked desperate, hopeless, but nodded at her, and she hurried out of the room.

***

"Coffee?" Alex opened her eyes. Apparently Maggie got up when she didn’t notice, to buy another cup of coffee. She took the cup gratefully, straightening in her seat. Maggie sat down, taking some of her papers again.

Alex sipped quietly. They had been waiting for their flight for over two hours, but there seemed to be no news on the horizon. She noticed that many people remained at the airport, sitting on benches, most of them sleepy or irritated. One man was arguing loudly with two stewardesses, and a mom was rocking a baby who was crying incessantly. Alex sighed, sipping her coffee again. There seem to be things you can’t erase from your memory, and your ex-girlfriend's coffee order is one of them.

"Attention all passengers. Due to weather conditions, all outgoing flights are delayed until further notice." A general sigh sounded from all sides. "Cots are being provided on the lower level. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Alex sighed, getting up slowly. She figured it would happen, but at least a cot will be a little better than these hard seats. Maggie sighed too and began to pack her things.

"You want me to go down and reserve you a cot with a view?" Asked Alex, wrapping her coat around her. Maggie looked up at her, smiling gently.

"I booked a room at the airport's hotel when I saw how bad the weather was... just in case things will get to this. I guess it was a wise decision.” She gathered all her papers into one folder, put it in her bag. Alex looked at her, confused. Maggie's bragging about having a hotel room with a comfortable bed and an adjacent bathroom while Alex, crippled, destitute, has to sleep on a cot in the lower level?

"Your leg can’t handle a cot." Maggie nodded at Alex's cane.

Alex opened her mouth and closed it, realization slowly dawns at her. Maggie invites her to come with her. She nodded. "Thanks."

Maggie nodded with her head to the elevators. "The hotel is upstairs."

"Yeah. Right." Alex began to follow her, limping on her cane, wondering How much Maggie was willing to sacrifice from herself so that Alex won't suffer anymore. Wondering if the situation was reversed, would she let Maggie stay with her in the same hotel room.

The hallways of the hotel were crowded with people who like Maggie, did wisely and booked a room before they were all over, all with the same tired expression. Finally, they reached their room, Maggie opening the door, letting Alex enter first.

The room was warm, pleasant-looking. A small cabinet, two chairs, a round small table, and... one queen sized bed. Alex hurried to look around for a sofa or a second bed, but the only thing that resembled a sofa in the room was an uncomfortable single armchair. She took a deep breath as Maggie took off her coat and beg, arranging her things on the table.

"We can sleep in turns," she said in a matter of factly. "I have a bit more work to do, so you can take the first three or four hours, and I'll take the hours after you." She looked up, smiling at her wearily. "Are you okay with that?"

Alex didn't know what to say. "Does Claire know you're doing this?"

"This?"

"Drinking coffee with me. Invites me to sleep in your hotel room. Talks to me."

Maggie shook her head, the smile fading out of her face. "Claire is not my boss. And she knows we work in the same place, she knows we talk sometimes, about work."

"This isn’t work."

"It's not, but you're crippled, and you need a place to sleep, and I have a bed to give you, so why not?" She swallowed. "We don’t do anything more than that, it's not that-"

"Maggie."

Maggie licked her lips and turned her head, looking at the snow-filled window for long seconds. 

"We had a fight." She finally whispered, her face hidden from Alex. Alex froze.

“We fight all the time. About small, annoying things. The dishwasher, food, laundry. I try to be nice, I try to be understanding, and considerate, and help her, but she doesn’t... She can’t get that angry face off of her." Maggie shook her head. "I can’t break through her, she doesn’t... she won’t let me." Her voice trembled at the last sentence, and she lowered her head.

Alex leaned her cane on the table, cautiously approaching her. "It’ll pass. it’s just a difficult period, there’s no reason why-"

"We fight every day. If we'd carry through it afterward it would be different, but one fight leads to another, and..." She sighed. "I don't know what to think. Maybe she stopped loving me."

"I'm sure it's not that. You-”

"It's not just about her condition, it's about our condition, ever since... I can’t even remember how it started, just that-" Maggie shook her head, a tortured look on her face. "I remember more times that it was bad for us than it was good. Even before- even before she fell ill..." Her chin trembled. "I love her, I really do, I just... sometimes it's so hard."

"You saved her life."

Maggie finally raised her head, showing moist eyes. "No. You saved her life."

Alex swallowed, silent in front of that gaze, those words, which left her unable to speak back.

"She's worried. I know she is. She's worried because I work at that hospital, she worries about me and you, that we meet and see each other every day, even when I tell her I barely get to see you. And I... I know she thinks I'd rather be with a woman with a cane than with a woman in a wheelchair."

Alex didn’t know how to answer. Maggie came close to her.

"What if she's right?" Maggie whispered.

"Maggie, you-"

"You know I still love you. And I know you asked me to stop, I know you told me you can’t, I know, I know, I know!" Maggie held her face in her hands. "But I... I just can’t."

"Maggie-"

"God knows I love Claire, but for too long I feel that she’s not the person I fell in love with. She's hard and she's nervous and jealous and-"

"Maggie-"

"I don’t even know if she loves me anymore, I don’t know if I-"

"Maggie!" Alex closed her eyes, and Maggie fell silent.

"I'm no better than her.” Alex's voice was choked. "I'm hard too, I'm in enormous pain, I'm crippled. Just like her. You don’t need to love me, you need to be with her, help her deal with it, be there for her." Alex shook her head. "Please, Maggie, don’t... don’t do this."

"I tried." Maggie moved closer, and Alex could see the tears on her cheek. "I swear that every day I get up in the morning and say to myself, 'You are a married woman, you can’t be with Alex, you can’t leave Claire, you can not.' Every day I repeated it in my head. I swear to you, I tried everything. "

"Two months is not enough."

"Two months is just enough." Maggie tightened her jaw. "Say you don’t love me."

"You know I ca-"

"So what is your problem?"

"I'm crippled!" The words came out in a shout she didn’t expect from herself, and Maggie winced a little. "I'm fucking crippled, Maggie!" She kept shouting. "I'm crippled, because of you. You took my leg, my freedom, you took my heart-" Her voice choked again. “You took everything. And now you want me back? Now you come back to say you can’t go on without me? So guess what, I can’t go on without you either! I get up every morning and say to myself-" She counted on her fingers, “-’That leg is one big motherfucker, I need coffee now, I can’t get back to Maggie,’ and I can’t get you out of my head because you have parts of me and I can’t let you go, but it doesn’t give you the right to ask me back. "

Alex exhaled, taking a step back. A trail of tears fell on Maggie's cheeks, and she wiped them quietly.

"You can’t, Maggie," Alex whispered now, her chin trembling too. "You can’t ask me back when you already have all of me."

They remained silent, Maggie approaching with slow steps until her face was in front of Alex's. "What am I gonna with you?" She murmured. Alex shook her head, suddenly feeling tears on her own cheek. Maggie reached out to wipe them, her fingers burning Alex's skin.

She couldn’t resist. She couldn’t tell her it was a bad idea. She couldn’t say anything, she couldn’t stop her. Her limbs froze and at the same time, her blood was boiling in her veins. She stood like a puppet with her strings cut off, unable to act.

Maggie shook her head, her eyes still damp.

"Alex Melancholy Surprise Danvers," she murmured, her voice choked. A tiny, almost imperceptible smile was on her face as she looked at Alex. Her eyes shot for a fraction of a second to look at Alex’s lips. "You're impossible."

"Impossible is my middle name," Alex managed to whisper, before Maggie's lips touched hers, and a barrage of fireworks shot out of Alex's heart, sending flaming fireworks all over her body, fireworks that exploded again and again until they filled everything, and all that was before her was this woman, golden, pure, enveloping everything. It wasn’t gravity that held her standing, it was Maggie. And perhaps Maggie was now responsible for the laws of attraction, and she was the one who made her hover in the air, her legs dangling down while they’re in this partly lit hotel room, while snow is hitting their window as they clung to each other and became one. Her hand reached to hold Maggie's waist, and it immediately melted to her touch. Her tongue passed over Maggie's lower lip, her tongue, her mouth opened again and again and she kissed her deeply, she kissed her steady, making her tremble between her fingers. Maggie wrapped her arms around her neck, pressing herself more and more into Alex's body, making soft moans between kisses. Her eyes were closed, and her eyelids trembled.

Alex's coat was removed in a moment, then her jacket, her shirt, her pants. Maggie pushed her on the bed, lying down on top of her, kissing eagerly every scrap of skin she had exposed, every crease, every freckle she could touch. Her lips were pressed against Alex's bare shoulder, her neck, slowly pressing kisses on her skin in infinite tenderness. Alex grabbed her waist, ran her hands over Maggie's body, undressing her. She held Maggie's face in both hands, bringing their faces close again, their foreheads touching. They breathed and exhaled, the air between them thickening, turning steam.

"Alex, I..." She tried but Alex silenced her, pressing their lips again. She kissed her, feeling all the pain in her heart, in her leg, growing stronger, turning into a tidal wave inside her, crashing on a shore and suddenly, it was all gone. All she could feel was wonder, and pleasure, and desperation, all together, and the pain was gone. Maggie's mouth was resting on hers, and she drew it down, her sweet sighs echoing right onto Alex's throat. Maggie's hand fell to Alex's waist, to her bare thighs. She stopped for a moment, her lips quivering. She pushed herself away a little, looking into Alex's eyes as her hand groped further down, down Alex's leg. Alex closed her eyes, letting out a long, low moan. Maggie reached for the jagged, ugly crack that was once the muscle in Alex's leg. She stepped off of Alex, her face pressed into the gaping hole in her body. Alex could feel Maggie's lips, kissing again and again, the wetness of her tears that covered everything, her fingers stroking the margins. She trembled, still closed-eyed.

Maggie didn’t say a word as she lifted herself again, taking Alex's face in her hands. They leid so close together, body to body, flesh to flesh, and Alex leaned her head back so Maggie could rest her head in the hollow of her neck.

Alex didn’t know what was going to happen in the next five minutes, ten minutes, two hours, a week from now. She only knew that this woman who was lying on top of her now loved her more than anything in the world, and she couldn’t tell her no.

Just like they used to be.

*

Maggie released herself from Alex's grasp carefully, and Alex felt her body heat drop with the lack of touch. She turned to the other side, curling up, trying to regain some warmth. Maggie's papers were forgotten on the table, and the floor was full of clothes, their clothes, and outside it was pitch dark, and heavy snow continued to fall.

Alex could hear voices, trying to decipher them. She raised her head a little, revealing Maggie's naked figure standing with her back to her in the darkish room, opening the mini bar that stood in the corner in search of food. She took out a bottle of water, turning back to the bed. Alex turned to her, grogginess in her eyes, even though they haven't slept a minute.

"Water?"

"Thanks."

Alex's voice was hoarse, and Maggie handed her the bottle before she drank it herself. They both finished the water in a moment, and Maggie went back under the blanket, clinging to Alex.

"I tried to find something to eat but there's nothing there."

"You’re hungry?"

"Starving."

Alex hugged her tighter, holding close. "We can call room service."

"It must be terribly expensive."

"Well, I don’t know if you've heard, but I'm a doctor." Maggie giggled into Alex's shoulder at that. "I get paid quite a lot."

Maggie raised her head, a thin smile spread across her lips. She looked at Alex for a few seconds, pressing her face against Alex's cheek, kissing softly.

"I need some butter croissants. With jam."

The whisper made Alex laugh, and Maggie laughed too, Alex's fingers groping for Maggie's waist, tickling. Maggie squealed and wriggled, and Alex pulled her closer, still laughing.

"What else?"

Maggie exhaled, resting her head back. "Orange juice, some bacon..."

"Someone's pretty hungry at..." Alex glanced at her watch. "Four-thirty in the morning."

"Well, I haven’t eaten anything solid for about ten hours, and all the... training we did..." She stretched out with a smile, her back arching. "I deserve a treat."

"You do," Alex murmured, bending her head slightly to kiss her. They stayed with their lips pressed for a few more moments, smiling, until Maggie pulled away, looking into Alex's eyes.

"I don’t know what- what all of this means... for me. For us. But you need to know that I, ah... I can leave Claire. I'm ready to do it." She sounded confident, though her eyes were full of fear. "If it means we-"

"I got a job offer."

Maggie silenced, raising her eyebrows in surprise.

"In Cambridge. Cambridge, England."

She widened her eyes now, rising a little. "What?" She murmured, confused. She sat down, and so did Alex. Alex reached out, taking Maggie's hand in hers.

"It turns out there's a big research team there, and they want me to join them. To leave everything here, to be a researcher, a teacher. To be part of their team."

"And you want that?"

"I... I don’t know." Alex shook her head. "I love being a doctor at the hospital, but maybe it's an opportunity to do something else, something new, something... better for me." She looked up, and to the faint, soft light coming from the night lamp she could see Maggie's bright brown eyes. She was confused, but still stable.

"I don’t know what I want. I want you, but I don’t want you to leave Claire. I want to move to Cambridge, and I want to stay in the hospital. I want to... marry you," she rolled her eyes a little, surprised at herself for being able to say the words out loud, her heart suddenly pounding hard for a moment at this statement, "And I want to get out of here and never see you again."

Surprisingly, Maggie smiled at her.

"You seem to have kind of an issue."

Alex snickered. "Right."

Maggie's hand tightened around Alex's fingers, consoling.

"To leave you... it that was the hardest decision I had to make. And now you want to go back together? After everything that happened?" Alex took a deep breath. "I don’t know if I can do it."

Maggie was silent for a long moment. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this."

"Tonight, or when you took half my leg?"

Maggie gave her a sarcastic look. "Tonight." Her gaze softened. "But then too. I'm sorry about everything."

"I know."

"And you forgave me! You said yourself, you said you forgive me, that you're-"

"But how can I not forgive you, Maggie? Look at you." Alex reached out to hold her cheek, looking into her eyes. "I can’t say no to you." She whispered.

Maggie's chin trembled for a moment, and suddenly a small smile spread across her face. "Then maybe you need some practice."

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"Alex!" Maggie sounded like a trivia show host. "Your watch. Is it red?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "No."

"You see, you're doing great." Maggie looked around. "What about this... curtain? It looks pretty orange to me, don’t you think?"

Alex laid back, an uncontrollable smile on her lips. "No, Maggie."

"And what about the-"

"Okay, I think I got it." A dimpled smile turned to her, and Maggie lay back on her, her lips only inches from Alex's. Alex felt her heart pounding hard again, and a feeling she couldn't name, something that was nostalgic and sweet and somehow, she could smell it, and it reminded her of cinnamon and vanilla. She felt like she was thirty-two again, and that square inside her is filling and filling, and she's desperately, irretrievably, in love with the woman that laid atop her now, and she's sure they were meant to be together forever. As if her leg had never...

"My leg."

Maggie panicked for a moment, rising quickly. "It hurts? Oh, fuck, I'm sorry, did I touch something? I’m s- "

"No, no." Alex hurried to calm her. "It's just that… it doesn’t hurt."

Maggie looked confused. "What?"

"Not like it usually is. I don’t think I've felt it in the last few hours." She looked at her watch. "I haven’t taken a pill in six hours."

Maggie looked at Alex's naked leg, then at her face, and a slight smile came over her lips. She lay back on Alex, in the same position as before.

"Well," she murmured. "I can have that effect on people."

Alex kissed her again, feeling every pain in her body disappear, every muscle released, her whole being calling out loud to this woman’s touch, who bend to kiss her neck softly.

"So, you want us to... try?" Alex's voice was quiet, hesitated.

Maggie looked up, her eyes shining at her. "Yes. If you want that too."

"But what if it won’t work? Then what?"

"What if it does?"

A shiver passed thought Alex again, and she held Maggie's face in her hands. "I don’t..."

"Hey, that's okay." Maggie reached for Alex's cheek, and she suddenly noticed that she was crying. "Everything's fine," Maggie continued, wiping her face. "Everything will be fine, we'll figure this out."

They remained hugged, Maggie wrapping Alex warmly, putting comforting words mixed with kisses on her neck.

A phone ring jolted both of them and Alex hurried to get up, answering.

"Danvers."

"You're on a speakerphone," Winn's voice said.

She tucked the phone between her ear and shoulder, limping towards the clothes on the floor to find a random shirt. "How did the LP go?"

"No complications." That was Kara's voice. "But preliminary results show some kind of infection."

Alex sighed, pulling a shirt over her head. "It doesn’t really help us."

Winn's tired voice sounded over the line. "No, it's not. At the rate his organs are deteriorating, he got left maybe a day or two."

Alex bit her lip, sits down at the edge of the bed. "What about the more information I told you to get?"

"I'm sending you the full medical file, you can go over everything yourself."

"Zorel filled about ten pages, there must be something there." James added.

"Okay." She looked back, where Maggie turned on her side, curled up. "Call me if there's anything else."

"Wait," she heard Kara's voice. "He... he tried to say something."

Alex frowned. "What?"

"Yes, but we didn’t understand what he was saying because of the aphasia. So far it was just yes and no, and now he was really trying to tell me something."

"What did he say?"

She heard a rustle of papers. "He couldn’t tackle the bear."

Alex sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Most people with aphasia will pull out words that are stored somewhere close to the one they try to use," she said, "They can be filed by sound or by meaning. So if he wants to say ‘table’, he could say ‘label’, or he could say ‘chair’. Or he could just say jabberwocky. There's no way to tell.”

"He also said 'they took the stain'."

"Wait a minute." She pulled the phone away, turning back to Maggie, who lay with her eyes open.

"Do you have any extra papers in that pile there?"

Maggie rose slowly, approaching the table.

"Alright. Keep him talking.” Alex turned back to the phone. "Write down everything he says. I'll go through the medical file, try to solve it from here." She raised her head to Maggie, who stood in her messed up hair and a boxer only in front of the round table, taking out a bundle of blank papers from the pile.

"Bye," Alex murmured into the phone while Maggie sat down next to her, handing her the papers.

"Thanks. I need to get to work, you can go to sleep." Alex got up and sat down at the table, arranging herself a place to work.

"No, it's fine," Maggie rubbed her eyes. "I've got some work too." She went to the old-fashioned phone in the corner of the room. "I'll order us something to eat."

Alex watched her walk, her abs are visible and showing. She stood with her back to Alex, a faint light from the outside illuminates her bare back as she raised her hand to move her hair from her face, leaving it, triangular, over her head. Her hips, her back, her whole upper body exposed as if she hatched out of the boxer she was wearing, making Alex’s fingers tingle with the desire to touch, to move her hands along the magnificent curve of her waist, that divine curve, from thigh to shoulder, even though she spent the last couple of hours doing just that. Maggie’s muscles relaxed and hardened, and her loose hair was like a tangled waterfall on her shoulders. Alex couldn’t hear what she said on the phone, just be hypnotized by this sight, which she thought she had almost forgotten. Which she thought she would never see again. Maggie hung up, turning.

Alex quickly looked away at the papers in front of her, a slight flush on her cheeks.

***

“Stain. Pain. Brain. Thane? Cane? Or is it dirty? Soiled? Smidge?” Alex filled about six pages with red and green rattles, still trying to figure out the tangled matter before her.

"Bear. Care. Dare. Share. Fair. Maybe it's like bare, as in naked? Or like fur, or panda?" She went on muttering, turning the pen back and forth with her fingers. Maggie sat beside her, working on her own papers, while half-plates full of croissants, bacon, and other snacks lay on the other side of the table. She seemed to be sitting there for hours, staring at the meaningless words in front of her.

She suddenly stood up, took her cane and walked to the bed, lying on the floor, raising her feet on the bed. She was still holding her cane, spinning it in the air. Maggie turned back, looking at her with a smile.

"Pumping blood to the brain?"

"I just can’t solve it." Alex sighed, staring at the ceiling. "It's like a puzzle that has no answer."

"You can solve everything."

"Not this."

Maggie glanced at Alex's notes. "In your defense, it's pretty hard. I don’t even know where to start."

"Okay." Alex set down while Maggie turned over in her chair, facing Alex.

"So there's this journalist, alright? He's really good at his job, he goes on dangerous missions, gives crazy stories, he exposes government crimes, and spends all day with alcohol and drugs. One day, he meets the perfect woman. But to marry her, she gives him one condition- they have to settle down. He has to give up the drinking and the drugs and the dangerous missions and live a quiet, simple life with her." Alex balanced her cane on her palm. "So he agrees, and that's what he does."

"But you can never get away from your past."

"No," Alex shook her head. "According to his wife, his editor, and a few other co-workers, he takes sleeping pills to sleep at night, and amphetamines and caffeine pills to wake himself up in the morning. He’s still living with the woman of his dreams, but physically he is incomplete, because he lacks something.

"And then the medical problems start. Everything he takes and does still doesn’t cause the problems he has. We have a missing factor, the X, if you’d like." She pointed her cane at the papers. "That, in my opinion, is what he's trying to tell us, but we can’t figure it out."

Maggie picked up the papers. "There are hundreds of possibilities here. How are you gonna do it?"

"There's a chance we won’t." Alex turned back to the position she was before, her back on the floor and her legs up on the bed, still muttering quietly to herself. Maggie kept looking at Alex's notes, crossing words and logical sentences, both trying to find logic between the thicket of words.

Alex's phone rang, and she answered without changing position.

"Danvers."

"We tried almost everything." Kara sounded like someone thrown her out of bed, and Alex put the talk on speakerphone, placing the phone on the carpet beside her head.

"He didn’t say anything new?"

"No. We’ve been talking to him for hours. We’re trying to guess the right words, but he keeps rejecting everything. It's like there's no solution."

There was silence while the four continued to think. She heard the sounds of scraps of paper and suggestions from time to time, but they seemed to be in a dead end, which in itself was discouraging.

"What’s that?" Kara's voice was heard, followed by more murmurs that Alex couldn’t understand, and then- "Olsen, did you write that? He said something. Earlier.”

Alex raised her head. "Earlier?"

"When we took him to the MRI, he tried to talk to Olsen. You wrote it, right here." There was another rustle of pages, and the three continued to speak in slightly distant voices that Alex couldn’t understand.

"What is it?" Alex picked up the phone. "Talk to me."

"He mentioned a stain earlier when he tried to talk to Olsen, before the MRI. But it's another sentence."

"So he says things just before important procedures?" James's tired voice was heard. "Maybe we should perform brain surgery, that will definitely make him tell us everyth-"

"Alex!" Maggie whispered. Alex raised her head sharply. Maggie held the papers and raised her head at Alex, her eyes shining. "I have an idea." She went on, whispering.

"Danvers? Is someone there?"

"Uh, yes. I mean, no- I mean, it's an airport, Zorel, of course there's someone here, there are thousands of people here." Alex got up slowly. "I have to go. Be right back.”

"Wait-"

Alex hung up, turning to sit beside Maggie.

"So we said that this man loves his wife, gives up everything for her, all the romantic bullshit. But it's hard for him, he has to give up on too much. And we also said that he only says new stuff only when he's facing of important procedures." Her eyes suddenly sparkled, a huge smile spreading on her face. "Meaning, he talks only when his wife is not in the room. The more devoted he is, the more he has a reason to lie. He's hiding something from her, that's the only solution. Think about it! He rejects everything, because if they reach the right solution, it's something he doesn't want her to know."

Alex squinted and tilted her head. It wasn’t a bad idea. Even a logical one. "You may have come onto something here."

"I know, right?" Her dimples deepened, shining. "I feel like a detective, I think I have the sense for it."

"Yeah, yeah, okay," Alex rose again, leaning over for a moment to give a kiss on Maggie's head. "Let's test this theory."

*

"Are we in?"

"Yes."

The sun was already filling the window, blinding through the glistening snow. It seemed that the whole night heavy snow was falling, and for the meantime, the whole airport was shut down. Alex and Maggie had work to do, and the second round of breakfast they ordered was almost finished, and their dishes, half empty and dirty, leid on the table. Alex still sat on the floor with her back against the bed, and Maggie moved to sit next to her. Alex spoke to the crew, discovering that the sentences the patient said were indeed when his wife wasn’t in the room, and the guesses they tried to figure out happened when she sat next to him.

The theory was worth checking, and now Alex held her phone on a speaker, waiting to talk to the person she had been trying to cure in the past twelve hours.

"Mr. Stone, I’m Dr. Danvers, the attending physician who helps your case." Alex tried to sound as sympathetic as possible. "We have a theory that there’s a problem that keeps you from talking when your wife is in the room, so we asked Dr. J’onzz to escort her out and now you’re free to tell us the information we need to heal you."

"I couldn’t tackle the bear, they took my stain!" He sounded desperate.

"Yes, we've heard that already." Alex said wearily. "Do you have any new insight?"

There was silence.

"Maybe we'll try to say word by word, and when we get to the right word, say yes." Winn suggested.

"Yes." Said Stone.

"Dirty, soiled, pain, brain-"

"Yes!"

"It was about brain?”

"Maybe it was about pain-"

"Point again..."

"Quiet, everyone!" Alex called out. "Stone, was it brain? You said they took your brain?"

"Yes, Yes!"

"What does that even mean?" James sounded completely confused.

"They took your brain..." Alex murmured. She looked at Maggie, who sat beside her, listening quietly. She wrote the words over and over again on a sheet of paper in her lap, trying to continue to solve.

"You have an idea?" Alex whispered, covering the phone. Maggie shook her head no.

"Where are your detectives skills when we need them?"

Maggie stuck out her tongue without looking at her. Alex swallowed a smile and returned to the conversation.

"Is it, like, they took your brain literally, or-"

"Yes."

"Alex," Maggie whispered. Alex covered the phone again.

“What if a bear is an actual bear? " She raised her head to her. "He couldn’t tackle the bear."

"Who will take his brain?" Kara went on over the phone.

"Maybe it's about a surgery?"

"There was no mention of a brain surgery on his medical record."

"What bear?" Murmured Alex. Maggie circled the word "bear" on her page, writing it down again.

Teddy Bear. Brown bear. Black bear. Polar bear.

"Maybe it’s not his brain, maybe it's someone else-"

"Okay, okay, shut up, everyone, be quiet." Alex straightened her back. There was silence, and Alex closed her eyes for a second, thinking.

"Ever heard this one before? I build a house and each wall has a southern exposure. A bear comes wandering by, what color is the bear?"

"White, it's a polar bear, you built the house on the north pole." Kara sounded desperate. "I don’t understand what is it have to do with-"

"Polar." Alex said quietly. "Mr. Stone, are you a bipolar?"

There was silence for a few seconds.

"I can’t see, is he nodding, what does he do?"

"Yes, Yes!"

Alex sighed with relief. "Bipolars tend to be manic in the day and depressive at night. He used to take care of himself with alcohol during the daytime, and sleep during the night. It explains the attraction to danger, to excitement, it explains everything… Well, except the seizures." Alex turned the phone to her other hand. "But when he fell in love, when... he had to change, he wanted to change, everything had to go. But he couldn’t change what wasn’t just a habit, so he heard there's a surgical cure. Bilateral cingulotomy, they call it. It’s an experimental surgery that some people claim helps mood disorders. Done by gamma knife, so there's no trace of cutting, but it does leave a mark on scans of the brain. The surgery just didn’t work, I guess, so now he had to fight it with pills, drugs, caffeine, anything that will give the... woman he loves, the life he promised her." Alex finished, exhaling.

"So what now?" Winn muttered.

"First of all, I recommend you tell all this to his wife."

"No!" Stone's desperate voice was heard.

"Alright," Alex sighed. "Get some blood on a slide, see if there's anything unusual there." She paused. "Mr. Stone, you... you'll be alright. Try to be honest. If you love her, you'll find a way to be with her."

She looked straight ahead, where Maggie's bare legs rest on one another in front of them. She glanced at the page in Maggie's lap for a moment. In the last few minutes, after having solved everything, she continued to scribble, but not words or phrases like before.

The whole page was full of Alex's name.

"I have to go," she murmured, hanging up. Maggie looked up at her, a sad smile on her lips.

"You solved it." She said, throwing the paper aside. Alex shook her head.

"You did."

"Let's settle for both of us." Maggie bit her lip, rising cautiously to sit on Alex's lap, two legs on either side of her thighs. She held Alex's face tenderly, pressing warm lips against Alex's, blinding her. Alex wrapped her hands around her bare waist, holding her close.

"I'll wait for you. As long as you need, as long as you'd want, I... I want to try again. With you." She murmured against her cheek. Alex exhaled, shivered. She looked at her, a thin light from the window glowing in her hair, sparkling her eyes.

She knew without a doubt that if she had to wait for Maggie, she would have wait for her a hundred years and more. She knew that everything that had happened in the last twelve hours had touched a raw nerve, but the square inside her felt fuller than ever, and she knew. She knew that only Maggie could fill that square. She knew she would give her everything, she would give Maggie her heart again, she would give her leg for her, all over again, to be with her. She knew once more that she was lost to this woman. She shivered again, and swallowed, her lower lip trembling.

"Let's go to bed, I'll warm you up." Maggie got up, helping Alex.

That afternoon, they finally boarded the plane and flew back home, Maggie's head resting on Alex's shoulder, both silent. They parted at the airport with a long hug, with wet smiles, with a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update! i was trying not to drown on the ocean of homework i had... this is a long ass chapter (in my standards at least) so the editing took forever because, well, i'm a lazy piece of shit
> 
> i hope you liked this one! please please, let me know what you think! whether it's really bad or really good, i want to know everything. you can also let me know on my tumblr (bilerleigh) and my twitter (bilerleighs). would LOVE to know your thoughts about my story :)
> 
> the next and final chapter will be here as soon as i'll be done editing it, so a week or two. 
> 
> thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter six

Two pills lay on Alex's tongue, and she sipped the water, swallowing them. She didn’t know how long it would take until the next time she’ll have to take more of those, and judging by her condition, she figured it wouldn't be long. Her thigh contracted painfully again and again, and her head throbbed as if it was under vise. She sighed quietly for the umpteenth time. Around her, her staff continued to discuss their new patient. She could barely focus on what they were saying.

"Maybe it's a disk herniation?" James suggested.

"If it was, she had back pain. We have paralysis and severe pain in her leg."

"A blood clot. In her thigh," Kara said, leaning back. "All the symptoms fit."

"It's also the most deadly. She might get a stroke-"

"Disk herniation is still possible." Alex interrupted. She rose slowly, leaning on her cane. "Do an angiogram, give her blood thinners in case it is a clot. If the angiogram comes back negative, MRI to the spinal cord."

They went to work, chattering, as she walked back into her office. She sat down heavily, reaching again for the water bottle.

It’s been a week since she returned from Baltimore. She gave the right answers and the relevant information about her week to the right people; The lecture went well, the conference was interesting, the lodging was reasonable, all the unimportant details. Cambridge, Maggie- all this had to wait, since they had a new patient as soon as she came back, demanding their full time and attention. Right after she came back, she had to work day and night, clutching her mind and distracting herself from the big decisions she had to make, to find the cure for the patient who needed her help. Five days later, he died, and she took a long weekend off work.

"Maybe I should come by, see how you’re doing," Maggie told her on the phone. They hadn’t met yet, since the airport, but they talked in text messages and emails, and on the phone almost every night. Maggie might have worked at the hospital, but even then they seemed unable to find time to meet for a short lunch. Not in public, not yet. Alex turned to the other side of the bed, moving the phone to her other ear.

"You know you can’t. Besides, I'm fine. It's been a tough week, but I'm holding on."

"A tough week without me?" Alex heard Maggie's smirk through the phone.

"Well, my patient died.”

"Right, sorry," Maggie murmured.

Alex paused for a moment. "But it would have been easier if you were here. I mean, with me. This week."

Maggie was silent.

"It's always a bit easier with you, I guess. I thought it would be harder, you know, when we..." She let the words fade, unsure how to define what was happening between them. "But... you're making things more simple, you're giving me what I need. I didn't know it's gonna happen. I guess I wasn't ready." She whispered the words into the phone. She couldn’t remember the last time she let herself be so vulnerable, to sound so fragile, when it wasn’t for Maggie.

"Does that surprise you?"

"A little." Alex bit her lip. "And at the same time, not surprising at all."

Maggie took a deep breath. "Alex?"

“Mmm?”

"I have to go."

Alex looked at her phone screen. They've been talking for over two hours. Claire must be asleep, but Maggie didn’t like to take the risk.

"Okay."

They were silent for a few more minutes, trying to prolong the moment, to stay together a little longer, until they couldn’t anymore. Until they’ll have to go.

"I love you."

Alex closed her eyes, curling deeper into the blanket.

"I love you too."

She couldn’t see, but she knew Maggie was smiling.

A knock on her office door interrupted the memory, and she raised her head. Lucy opened the door, pushing her head inside.

"Hey."

Alex nodded, and Lucy went inside, sitting down on the chair in front of Alex.

"Are you okay?" she asked at Alex’s tired eyes.

"My head." Murmured Alex. "And my leg, I don’t feel so good."

Lucy twisted her mouth sympathetically. "Can I help?"

"If you have something stronger than vicodin, I'd love to get a few grams of it." Alex rubbed her temples, sighing.

"How were things here while I was gone?" She asked with her eyes closed.

"Oh, they were okay. You know your team, they learned from the best." Lucy smiled.

Alex rubbed her eyes wearily. She opened them, looking at Lucy, who tilted her head in confusion.

"Danvers? Are you sure you’re o-"

"What will happen to them if I won’t be here?"

A frown of worry appeared between Lucy's brows. "Are you going to die?"

"No, idiot." Alex sighed, still rubbing her eyes. "If I’ll go somewhere else."

Lucy’s frown got wider. "I'll need you to be more specific."

"I met me this british doctor at the conference and he offered me a job. As a researcher, as a teacher, at Cambridge University. I would have a whole laboratory for myself, with everything I’d need, to study diseases, find cures, teach others, you name it. A triple wage and a place for myself.”

Lucy opened her mouth in astonishment. "Are you serious?"

Alex had a small smile on her face at Lucy’s expression. "Will you believe me if I tell you it's not the most surprising thing that happened to me in Baltimore?"

"I still can’t believe you waited a whole week to tell me that."

"Maggie was there."

"Maggie? At the conference?"

"At the airport, I... she... well, she was there, and, uh, our flight was delayed. And fortunately, she rented a hotel room there, and she... she let me stay there-”

"Hang on."

Alex sighed slightly as Lucy leaned forward, her eyebrows raised.

"Let me get this right. You and Maggie Sawyer met at the airport and your flight got delayed, and then she rented a hotel room," Lucy said the words slowly, emphatically. "And you two slept that night in the same hotel room."

"Yes."

Lucy stared at her in shock, and Alex nodded, affirmative.

"Fuck! Holy shit, you're- you’re crazy! You both are." Lucy covered her mouth with her hand. "I can’t believe it, you-"

"I know." Alex leaned back, closing her eyes. "I know."

"I mean, how? She's married! And you said, you said you can’t-"

"I know what I said."

Lucy paused, shaking her head. Alex opened her eyes.

"I just couldn’t. It was stronger than me. It's still is."

There was silence for a few seconds as Alex's words sank into the air.

“This is bad."

"Very bad." Alex agreed.

"So you can go to Cambridge, and you can be with Maggie."

"I can do both. There are lawyers in England."

"Do you think she’ll agree?"

"She’ll agree to anything I’d ask her to do." Alex leaned forward now, trying to massage the pain out of her thigh. Lucy bit her cheek, thinking.

"You can also do either."

"I guess that's an option, but then I’ll stay in the same place, won’t I?"

Lucy raised an inquiring eyebrow.

"I’m not in a very… good shape. I have been in a bit of denial for the last few years, but the truth is that I'm not in good shape, I’ve dedicated my whole life to my job, to write articles and to medicine, and it paid off. You could say I'm a great doctor by all accounts. But... inside," her voice trailed off for a moment. "I feel empty. I feel that my pain is taking everything, that all I am is a diagnosing doctor, and a cane."

Here it is again. This vulnerability. You’ve got soften.

But… maybe it's not such a bad thing.

A thin smile came over Lucy's face. "Look at you."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Shut up."

"I'm proud of you, you bastard." Lucy crossed her legs. "So what is it going to be?"

"I'm going to go back with the woman who caused me indescribable pain?" Alex shrugged. "Probably."

"You know, maybe you should think about it a little more-"

“I have. I spent the past week trying to save a guy from a disease I couldn't find, and I failed. But in this process, when I tried to solve an equation that didn’t have a solution, Maggie was there all the time, in my head. And I suppose that if she’ll disappear, if I’ll ask her to leave, everything will be gone with her eventually. She’ll fade out of my life like the last time. But this time, when she was in my head, she didn’t cause me pain or distracted me from the important things. She was the thing that held me. I hang on to her.

It's like... she’s the sun," she went on, as if it were the clearest thing in the world. "She’s the sun, and I’m the moon, and there is nothing I can do to illuminate myself, she’s the only one who can. No matter how hard I’ll try, no matter how much I conceal myself, or try to lighten myself, or try to warm myself up, she’s the only one who can, and she’s the only one who does. That's it."

She continued to massage her leg out of habit, suddenly realizing that the pain had gone away. She raised her head to look at Lucy, whose smile widened.

"Looks like you've already chosen."

Alex sighed. "There's someone else I need to talk to before I go on with this plan."

"And who is that?"

"Claire."

***

Her sandwich was a little dry, but she was hungry enough to keep eating it, sitting alone at a table at the edge of the cafeteria. Winn and Kara came in to report the results.

"Nothing?"

"Nothing," Winn sat down with a sigh, and Kara beside him. They came back with the lab results, heralding the MRI and angiogram that were completely clean. Alex took another bite of her sandwich, thinking.

"What about the muscle biopsy?"

"Olsen did an hour ago. There's no sign of any neurogenic or myopathic abnormalities, and no toxoplasmosis or polyarteritis nodosa, too." Kara sipped her coffee.

"What was her sedimentation rate?"

"Normal."

"No, I mean, what was it?"

Winn glanced at the paper in his hand. "Fifteen. Why?"

Alex put down her sandwich. "Let's think outside the box for a moment. What if her sed rate is elevated?"

"But it’s not," Winn sounded confused.

"There are people whose body temperature is lower than the rest, because of genetics, weather, all kinds of different effects. So when we have normal body heat, they will have the same temp, but they’ll have a fever. What if she has a low sed rate? What if fifteen can be considered as an inflammation for her?"

"Well, if you're right, it means cancer." Kara sighed. Alex nodded, returning to her sandwich.

"Updated Olsen. I'll talk to Dr. Lane."

They got up, leaving her alone. She looked at the papers Winn left beside her, trying to find evidence for the patient's elevated sedimentation rate, when a cough behind her made her turn.

Claire Warner was sitting in a wheelchair right behind her, nodding at her. "Dr. Danvers."

"Claire," Alex murmured, hurrying to move her chair to make room for Claire to sit next to her. Claire rolled forward a little, putting her chair beside Alex's, both seated at the table.

“How are you? How’s the physiotherapy going?" Alex hurried to collect her pages, to concentrate all her attention on Claire. She did plan to talk to her, but she didn’t plan Claire will come to her, and certainly not so soon after she decided. It was a bit apprehensive, but Alex smiled sympathetically, her voice calm.

Claire smiled a little. "I'm fine. The physiotherapist says I'm going to get out of my chair soon. The paralysis was hard, but I'll be fine."

Claire stared at the table, and Alex studied her quietly. The harsh, bitter, nervous Claire Maggie had described didn’t appear on the surface, but Alex knew she might be acting like that only around Maggie, or simply not showing that side to Alex. Alex nodded at her, smiling politely.

"It's so good to hear that! I'm very happy for you."

Claire shook her head, biting her lips. Alex looked around, trying to think of a conversation topic. Anything she could talk with Claire Warner about. Her job at the school. Family. Different treatments for her condition. Anything at all.

"How's Maggie?"

Seriously?

Claire looked up at her, releasing her lips. She put her hands on the table, intertwining them carefully.

"Can I be honest with you, Alex?"

Alex's breath hitched, and she swallowed, nodding. Claire was very businesslike, and her eyes were serious.

Alex coughed in embarrassment. "Of c- course. I mean, yes, what is it?"

"You can stop playing around. I know you slept with my wife. I know she's in love with you, and I know you're in love with her. I also know she's planning to leave me for you.”

Alex's heart jumped and she clenched her jaw in fear. How can it be? Maybe Maggie wasn't careful enough? Either way, Claire discovering the matter herself and not by any of them was very, very bad. Alex's throat started to go dry, and she swallowed in fear again.

"What... how-"

"I heard her talking to you on the phone a few nights ago. And the night after, and after that. I don’t know how many nights she's been talking to you without my knowing, but I started to wake up every time she got up after I fell asleep, the way she goes out on the porch to talk to you." Claire took a deep breath, looking down. "I'm not proud of it, but I looked at her emails, her messages. You've been talking all this time, ever since she came back from Baltimore. Where she was with you, apparently."

"You look at her emails?" Alex asked in disbelief.

"I had no choice. I had to know-"

"It’s not-"

"Don’t you dare judge me, Danvers." She sounded angry, and glanced around to make sure they weren’t being watched. "I may have been probing after my wife, but she cheated on me. I think you could say that we’re a little more than even."

Alex was silent, looking around again. "What are you going to do?"

Claire sighed and fell silent. "You made my wife cheated on me." She said after a pause.

Alex shook her head, a large, painful lump in her throat. God, none of this is fair. "I'm so sorry, I- It wasn’t from bad intentions, we didn’t want to... I mean, I didn’t, and, I know Maggie-" she exhaled. "We didn’t want to hurt you. It happened without-"

"I didn’t come here to hear excuses."

Alex was silent. "Are you going to yell at me?"

Claire shook her head, her gaze fixed on the table. "I didn’t come here to confront you, either."

Silence fell again as Alex waited for Claire to speak.

"I knew it would happen," she curled her fingers, looking at them. "I mean, when we started we were so in love. I thought I could make her forget you, that I would help her out of this fear she was in. She was so afraid to hurt me, she was afraid that… that I would leave her." Claire looked up at her, chin trembling. "You broke her as much as she broke you, you knew that? I had to pick up the pieces, two years after you broke up, she still wasn’t ready for a new relationship."

Alex squinted. "Well, I don’t think you can compare-"

"You're right, it's worthless. What's the point of talking about it at all if you both ran to fuck each other the first time I turned my head-"

"It’s not-"

"Do not interrupt me!" She raised her voice, and a few people from the near tables looked at them. They both fell silent, letting the silence seep into the air again.

"There was no point in preventing it, I knew it would happen. I knew I wouldn’t be able to prevent it. I couldn't cure her." She sniffed. "What I didn’t know was that you will be the one who will cure her eventually.”

Alex raised her head, a little surprised.

"Look, Alex, I hate to admit it, but… I mean, after all, you're a good person. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me." She paused for a moment. "I also know Maggie didn’t mean to hurt me, but, what you did, how... how you let it happen, I didn’t-”

"She loves you," Alex said, in an irrational attempt to do justice to things. "I know she loves you, she told me. You have to know that there wasn’t even a hint of hate or revenge in this act. And I have no excuse, and anything I say won’t help or cover it or make it less terrible, but you need to know she loves you. "

"I know. But she loves you more." Claire bit into her cheek, examining Alex.

"You know, I... I always knew she still loved you. She was broken, but she never really got over you. I'm not sure she would've got over you even if she had tried. Just by the way she was talking about you, ever since, whenever you came up in conversation, she had that look on her face, that light in her eyes. She never looked at me like that. I saw how she looked at you, how she was talking to you, the messages she sent you... she never spoke to me like that. She never looked at me like that."

Alex's eyes remained looking down, and a slight blush rose in her cheeks.

"I knew she preferred you over me for a long time. I was hard and jealous and I didn’t give her space. I was afraid she would leave me, I didn’t know what to do. When I look back at the past few months, I see that sometimes I did lose my mind, that there were times when I really lost it. Perhaps because of my illness, but the fact that she was back in touch with you, and our relationship that was in a bad shape, adding together with my illness, all together... " She drew in her breath. "Sometimes pain makes us get wrong decisions. That's all. Sometimes it’s decisions we can't turn back from." Her tongue shot out to wet her dry lips. "And now when I know for certain that- that she was with you, that she really planned to leave me-"

"Claire, I'm... sorry, I'm so sorry." Alex murmured. Claire's eyes hardened, and Alex saw that they were damp.

"There's nothing you can do about it. You two were meant to be together, I just... got stuck on the way." She sniffed again.

"You don’t deserve this."

"Doesn’t matter now, does it?" She sounded resentful, and Alex closed her eyes, knowing she deserves every pin that piercing her skin now.

There was silence, and Alex could hear only her heart, pulsing too hard, waiting for Claire to say something.

"So what happens now?"

"I'd say Maggie should decide who she wanted to be with..." Claire murmured. "But the thing is, we both know who she chooses."

Alex gulped again, the accusation is heavy on her shoulders like sacks of cement.

"I guess... that's it."

Alex nodded. "I’m sorry, Claire, I'm so sorry, I don’t deserve to be forgiven, both of us don’t, and I'll understand if you won’t-"

"Just let it go."

Alex knew she didn’t deserve the forgiveness, that Claire deserves to sit here and listen to her pleading for absolution and to slap her with insults and screaming until her throat will dry, to be beaten and trampled for her selfishness. She knew she deserves to live, knowing that she would never be able to atone for what she did to Claire, how she had taken from her the only thing that could help her really heal.

Alex and Maggie broke each other, and found each other again to recover. But on the way, there was no one to cure Claire. Alex looked up at her, finding a path of tears on her cheeks. She felt a wet tingle in her own eyes and found Claire's eyes looking at her. She never noticed before, but now she looked at them and found them beautiful, remarkably green. Claire reached out to grab Alex's hand.

"Promise me one thing, Alex."

"Anything."

“Don’t be an idiot. You know exactly what you have in your hands, you know how to be with her. "

Alex nodded, pressing hard on Claire's hand.

"I hope that one day-"

"Yes, yes, I know, one day I'll find someone new, sure." Claire wiped her eyes. "Until then, I'm stuck in that chair."

"I’ll help you, I know Maggie will too, we’re… we won’t leave you until you get out of this chair, until you walk on both your legs. We’ll help you find someone who-"

"Claire?"

They turned, revealing Maggie standing behind them. Alex remembered the time she'd been in Claire's room and they both laughed, and how Maggie came in just then, completely surprised. Maggie walked forward and they exchanged a brief glance across the table, the look in Maggie's eyes the same as it was then, though slightly more anxious.

"What are you two doing here?"

"Nothing," they replied in coordination, and Maggie folded her arms, her eyebrows raised in surprise. Alex and Claire exchanged another glance and Maggie looked around, searching for a chair.

"Hold on, uh," Alex grabbed her cane. "You can sit here, I... I have to go." She rose slowly, Maggie looking more confused by the moment. She looked at Alex, who beckoned her to sit down. Claire stared at the table, not saying a word.

Alex patted Claire’s shoulder as Maggie sat down, walking away as fast as her legs allowed her.

***

"It's not cancer."

"So It's not an inflammatory process, it's not a clot, and it's not cancer. What now?"

Alex drew a line over each of the options on the board while she disqualified them, turning to her crew.

"Come on, people, I need ideas."

Kara sighed. "Something in the nervous system?"

"The CT was clean."

"Fibromyalgia, myofascial disease can cause the pain she has."

"Maybe it's not in the muscle at all. We're focusing on one thing without paying attention to-"

"What else is there to pay attention to?" Kara yawned. "She has leg pain, that's all there is."

James got up and went over to the board. "Think about it. We checked the leg from all directions. There's nothing in the muscles, the bones or the nerves. The leg is fine, but it hurts."

"So what do you suggest?" Winn folded his arms.

"There’s a problem in one place in her body, but she feels the pain elsewhere."

"It's rare when it's not cancer." Kara tilted her head. "Maybe-"

Her words were interrupted by a quick chime from the pagers of all three. Winn was the first to look, and he got up quickly.

"It's her. 911."

Alex nodded, and they ran out of the room.

They do just fine without me, Alex thought, a slight chuckle on her face. And what if she'll actually leave them? Will they be able to solve cases like she taught them to? By themselves? To heal people with unexpected illnesses, investigate and think until they reach the right result? If she’s honest with herself, she trusted them. She wouldn’t employ them if they weren’t smart, if they wouldn’t know how to make it all the best way possible. She sometimes had to give a push in the right direction, but that's what made her... almost like a teacher. This is what she does, teaching people how to do the job. How to act, how to heal, how to think in a way that would bring them to the right outcome. If she’s really thinking about it, there's no reason why they can’t manage without her.

And she? What would happen to her?

Well, there was no doubt that triple wages, and her own research lab, and young minds, fresh to teach, were certainly something that caught her attention. And why not? What is it that's making her stay here? The goodness in healing? If she thinks about it for a few seconds, she seems to be a bit… fed up with it, in lack of better description. And if what she said to Lucy the other afternoon was true, she needed a change. She must find a way to fill herself up again, make herself feel something more. Maybe the transition, that change, maybe that's exactly what she needs now.

She sat down, taking her phone out of her pocket.

Dinner? She writes. My place.

Three hours later, she gets an answer. Dinner means food. Will there be food?

Alex giggles, which she probably hasn’t done in years. There will be food, she writes in reply. A lot.

Can’t wait, her phone beeps, and her heart blooms.

***

They laid on the couch, Alex's head on Maggie's chest. They ate some pizza, and opened a bottle of wine, and a pleasant, liberated feeling was at Alex's heart all along. She felt contented, and that square in her chest felt like it’s full to the brim, swollen with happiness. Maggie ran her hand through Alex's short hair. They were silent for a long time, soft music came from Maggie's phone, and they enjoyed their time, peacefully, with quiet music. Alex wanted to hold the moment forever, to stay in it until she had to die.

"I have to leave the house."

Alex didn’t raise her head. "How is she?"

"Not good. But she doesn’t need me, she needs..."

"She needs quiet."

"Yeah," Maggie sighed. "Her sister is coming to town soon, she'll help her better than I can."

"And you?"

She was silent for a moment. "I feel so guilty, it... it's eating me alive. I'm not sure I did the right thing."

Alex's heart stopped suddenly, terrified, and Maggie hurried on.

“I mean, not with you, I want you, I was never so sure about anything as I'm sure I want to be with you. But the way we did it, me and her, and how I went behind her back..." Maggie's voice choked a bit. "It was terrible. I shouldn’t have done it, not to her."

"Hey," Alex rose a little, looking at her. Maggie's eyes were moist. "It's true that you did something wrong, we both did. Claire didn’t do anything to deserve it. But that's the situation right now, and what happened already happened, now we just have to figure out a way to fix what we can."

"How?"

"We will give her all the support we can. Whatever she’ll allow us to give her: mental and physical support, if it's money, caregivers, anything that will help her stand back on her feet again." She stroked Maggie's hair. "We did something bad, but there's no turning back from here. All we can do is fix what can be fixed."

Maggie sighed, nodding. She leaned forward, kissing Alex's lips lightly. "I missed you," she murmured. “I’ve missed you so much. For five years, I felt like there was a hole in my chest, and I tried to fill it with whatever I could, but nothing seemed to quite fit. I felt so empty. Everything was so bland and shapeless." She shook her head. "Claire was trying to help, god knows there were times when she went out of her way to give me what I needed, but the truth is that I didn’t need anything. Just you." Her lips kissed again, tenderly, on Alex's cheekbone. "I don’t know what I would do if I had to go on living without you."

Alex bit her lip. "I feel the same way." She said, leaning closer. Her lips were pressed against Maggie's warm cheek. She could feel Maggie's pulse in her hand that was resting on Maggie’s chest through her blouse, beating for her. Marking her presence, close to her.

"So I guess you're moving here," she muttered after a few minutes. Maggie hummed in response. Alex raised her head, looking around the apartment.

"Well, I'm not sure where I can fit you in, but I suppose the sofa is quite comfortable-" a slap in the shoulder stopped her speech, and she burst out laughing at Maggie's frown. She leaned forward, still giggling, kissing the frown off her face. Maggie slipped her hands along her body, deepening their kisses, and Alex felt her bones breathing open, her body brakes free, as Maggie turned to take off Alex’s blouse, holding her close, with clear intention to never let her go. Alex felt comfort and reassurance in this domestic, simple act, something she missed so much that just in the touch itself she suddenly noticed the sharpness of how helplessly, how longingly she missed everything about Maggie.

***

Alex knocked on J'onn's office’s door. Two hesitated knocks.

“Come in!” she heard, and came in. He stood at the side of the room, looking through a book from his office library. He looked up at her as she entered and smiled, returning the book to its place.

"Doctor Danvers," he nodded. "Come on in. How are you?"

"I'm fine," she smiled a little. He sat down, motioning for her to sit opposite him. "Great, actually."

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow, still smiling. She knew that he cherished those moments, when she was coming over to talk with him, to share news or just to chat. She knew he was glad to be the person she was going to when she needed.

She hated herself a little for what she was about to tell him, but she smiled anyway, breathing deeply, preparing herself.

"You know how much I owe this place, how much I owe you, for everything you've done for me over the years. You know there was never a place that accepted me so well, gave me everything I needed, treated me with so much generosity and kindness... I have no words to say how grateful I am for this place. Especially for you."

His smile froze on his face, and a confused look began to spread on them. "Alex, what... what are you saying?"

"I'm leaving, J’onn. I'm submitting my resignation."

He opened his mouth slowly, shocked. "I don’t... I don’t understand..."

She shook her head. "You're right, I should have started at the beginning. What happened was that I was in Baltimore, and a professor from Cambridge University came up to me..."

She told him the whole story. The proposition, almost everything that happened with Maggie, everything that made her decide she wants to take this path. She confessed about how she felt, about how she must find a change in her life, that she should leave this place, find her happiness. When she finished, he leaned back, running his fingers over his lip. He looked thoughtful, his eyes fixed on her.

"I never should have sent you to Baltimore," he mumbled at last, and she laughed. He shook his head.

"I'm joking, of course. If that's how you feel, I won’t stand in your way. I'm glad you're finally looking for your happiness, Alex, it's what you deserve." He flashed a smile at her. "I'm just a little sad that it comes at the expense of this hospital, which about to lose such a brilliant doctor..."

"Don’t worry, I'm leaving behind three equally brilliant doctors, and they will run this department just right. I trained them well, and now I have to go another way. I have to, J’onn."

"Of course," he said, nodding. They remained silent for a few moments until he stood up, opening the last drawer of his desk.

"This one is for very special cases, and I think that this," he pulled out a bottle of whiskey, "Is a very special case."

She smiled at him, getting up slowly, and a moment later he poured both of them a respectable amount, and they knocked glasses.

"To you, Alex, the most pleasant person I've ever met." He drank from his glass.

"Are you sure about that?" She raised an amused eyebrow. He didn’t hesitate to nod.

"You're tough, Alex, but that's what makes you so soft inside. I'm glad to see your softness is coming out a bit. You don’t always show it, but you care, a lot. And I know you've gone through a lot, and you react accordingly, but you don’t afraid to be honest, as I saw just now." He nodded to the chair where she had just sat. "You have wonderful powers, I'm sure you'll have a lot of success, wherever you go."

She flashed a glance at the floor as he spoke, a little embarrassed. She raised the glass to her mouth, drinking. "Thanks," she smiled at him through her glass. "You're not so bad yourself."

"So... you and Maggie, huh?"

"Can you believe?"

"Well, to be honest, I figured you two would come back. You couldn’t survive long one without the other. It was quite a torment to see you like that."

"That's why you offered her a job at the hospital?"

He hid a sly smile. "Maybe."

She pushed his shoulder a little, laughing.

He laughed too, and she hugged him. "Thank you," she patted him on the shoulder. "Thanks for... for everything you were. I know I can be hard sometimes, and closed up, and-"

"Don’t be so hard on yourself," he said quietly. "I don’t think I told you how much I appreciate you, for all the goodness in you, for the devotion you have. You have so many virtues, and I feel proud to work alongside you. You should be proud of yourself too."

She swallowed her tears, closing her eyes. He was so much like the man she wished him to be. She imagined him there, telling her exactly the same words. J’onn wrapped her tighter in his arms, patting her back. They parted at last, and she saw a flicker of a tear in the corner of his eye. She gave an embarrassed laugh, and he followed.

"You’ll come and visit, right?"

"Of course, Dr. J'onzz."

He nodded one nod and sat down again. "So when are you leaving?"

"Whenever you say it's okay, plus how long it'll take us to organize all our things."

"So a year, two years?"

She rolled her eyes, and he laughed. J’onn's jokes never really made her laugh. She limped on her cane on the way out.

"A month."

"Three months!"

"God, fine!"

She felt like she’s fifteen again.

She won’t lie; it was kinda nice.

***

Eventually, it had been three months since she entered J'ohn's office to declare her resignation. She and Maggie packed their belongings, arranged all the necessary paperwork, and booked their one-way plane tickets. Maggie found a job almost immediately after she started searching. She flew one weekend for an interview, and was hired by a small law firm in Cambridge. She and Alex were getting excited as the day approached, by the moving and the new beginning that expected them.

Claire started walking again. She needed crutches for a while, but she managed to take a few steps in a row. Surprisingly, Lucy was the one who was most helpful. She cleared her schedule now and then to come and help Claire, and the two seemed to be getting along pretty well. Alex watched them one afternoon when they were in the cafeteria, noticing how Lucy make Claire laugh out loud as she put a hand on her shoulder, Lucy's smile proud, glowing shimmer in her eyes.

"Look," she said to Maggie, turning her back to them as she spoke. Maggie turned to look, raised her eyebrows as she saw at the two. She looked back at Alex, and they shared a smiled. Alex felt the pressure in her chest release a little more, and her hand slipped into Maggie's to squeeze.

The team organized a farewell party. There were balloons and hats, and a big sign saying "Happy Retirement," which made Alex frown and to Maggie laugh aloud.

"We'll take it home with us," she said after two shots of tequila, causing Kara to giggle loudly. The party was pleasant, although everyone drank too much, and Lucy, Claire's designated driver, was forced to order cabs for everyone, pushing Winn's sleepy figure in her backseat to drive him herself.

"I hope you all remember it when I'll get drunk like that," she muttered as Claire limped on her crutches behind her, giggling.

Alex cleared her office, packing her belongings to the last, leaving the room empty of any decoration or certificate. She looked back for a moment, at the bare table. The door behind her opened and Winn came in, hands in his white coat's pockets.

"So that's it," he mumbled, looking behind her shoulder. She smiled sadly at him, leaning on her cane.

"There are a few more days until the flight, but... yes."

He approached her a little, his gaze fixed on the floor.

“I’ll miss you, Doctor Dee," he finally smiled at her, though the tips of his lips curled down, as if he’s trying not to cry. She let out a sad laugh. 'Dr. Dee' was what he used to call her when they first met, until she asked him to just call her Danvers. He was new, unsure of how to go with her, and she put a hand on his shoulder then, soothing. "I'm just a doctor who works by your side. Let's work on it together, alright, Schott?"

He hadn’t called her Dr. Dee ever since. She walked towards him now, hanging her cane on her arm. She spread her arms and wrapped him in a hug, laying his head on her shoulder. He was an adult, and yet she felt as if she was leaving a little boy, abandoning him to the wolves.

"I'm proud of you, Winn. You've come a long way, and there's so much ahead of you. You're about to achieve so much." She let go of him, looking into his eyes. "You're a good doctor. A good man. I had such a pleasure working with you."

"You too, Danvers." His voice was choked, real tears falling on his cheek now. He hurried to wipe them. "I’ll miss you."

"Me too. Don’t worry, we'll go back to visit, I promise."

He smiled again, patting her shoulder.

She finally left the hospital, leaving it behind. She left Lucy behind, with Claire, she left J’onn and her crew. She left the neighborhood bar where she used to hang out, her old apartment, all the familiar places that were part of her life for so long. She left behind the loneliness, the sadness, the bitterness.

She was now standing in front of the boarding gate, which read 'Cambridge, United Kingdom'. She looked at the electronic sign, suddenly feeling a gentle hand on her waist.

"All set." Maggie said. She felt her eyes on her. "You’re ready?"

She caught Maggie's hand in hers. "As much as possible."

Maggie smiled at her, and she was flooded with warmth again. She raised their intertwined hands, turning them around Maggie, who was turning around too, giggling, her hair waving in the air. They began to walk toward the gate, toward their joint path.

The pain in her leg was almost gone.

Almost as if she was whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's it :)
> 
> thank you so much for reading this story! i'm so happy i was been able to finish and show it to you, it took a while to make it work but eventually i'm happy i made it. and it's all thanks to you! you guys are the reason i'm here, to learn and evolve and of course, to share, so thank you so much for everything.
> 
> as always, you're more than welcome to leave comments about the parts you liked, and the parts you didn't and in general, what did you think of this story! so happy to read your thoughts :)
> 
> i have another story up my sleeve and i hope to publish it soon, so be ready! 
> 
> thank you for all the amazing support and feedback! love you xo

**Author's Note:**

> hope you loved it! let me know what you think in the comments below, or on my twitter (bilerleighs) or tumblr (bilerleigh) 
> 
> thank you for reading :)


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